Recovery Journal

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by willoWisp, Oct 31, 2018.

  1. willoWisp

    willoWisp Fapstronaut

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    MEN GO AWAY. THIS THREAD IS NOT FOR YOU.

    I've been using porn since I was measuring my age in the single digits. I had a TV and would JO to the scrambled playboy channel that would broadcast in. As I got older I got the internet, porn became freely available, and functioned as my sex ed. I didn't learn that I should regard it as harmful or even be embarrassed by it. This is partly due to my choice in friends as a teenager. In my late teens and early twenties I went through some severe sexual traumas -- basically a form of sex trafficking. At the time I didn't even realise that what was going on was bad because I was so desensitised to my own suffering.

    Around 2012-2013 I established baseline safety for myself and in 2015 I started to understand the negative effects of porn on myself as a person and also society in general and endeavoured to quit, and this attempt actually lasted quite a long time, I went something like 8 months without porn or masturbation. If I have a criticism for myself in improving on that attempt "next time" (really there ave been hundreds of attempts since, but, not very good ones) it's that I always viewed relapse as somewhat inevitable during this period. As a result, I am sure, of poor sex education, I viewed abstinence as a sort of building tension over time which was sure to escalate in intensity until it snapped. I don't think it has to be that way. I don't think that the historical celibates have all died with like 80 years of stocked up horniness. I don't think when the Buddha preached conquering one's cravings for pleasures of the flesh that that's what he had in mind. That said... I do not have another working model for how exactly I am supposed to view this?

    I am actually now a somewhat religious person, for some values of the word, and in addition to being horrible for me, porn use is completely at odds with my personal values. Masturbation less so, but it's clear that I can't handle it. But I believe I do have an addiction in some sense. I experience a rush of endorphins and pleasures of the flesh and by the time I snap out of it it is several hours later. If I'm tired or frustrated it's the perfect remedy. but building new habits for dealing with those situations is difficult to me largely on account of my ADHD. I think being tired is the biggest trigger by far for me, but obviously I can't just avoid ever being tired. in fact im usually tired. ive never had a job and live in a warm humid climate

    Another issue -- I'm not sure if it stems from the porn thing per se, although it certainly has common cause IMHO, is that I'm extremely manipulable sexually. I'll pretty much never turn down sex from a woman. For the past several days I have been rejecting the urge to put a booty call down on a girl I had one terrible date with. I actually don't have a principled stand against premarital sex or anything, but forming that kind of bond is obviously unhealthy. i would rather associate with people for other reasons, you know?

    but i experience an almost total loss of impulse control when i'm on the verge of a "relapse". in quotes because using after 2 days isn't relapsing, it's just using. it should be noted that my impulse control isn't generally amazing anyway but it's only really with this that it becomes a problem.
     
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2018
    RecoveringWanker likes this.
  2. willoWisp

    willoWisp Fapstronaut

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    Apologies for the immediate double post. I originally posted this in a different forum hours ago, and only just now deleted that and reposted here.

    In general I'm not super capable of talking about how the sex trafficking impacted me and how it hurts my ability to connect to people. Part of this is because I don't want to. Especially with all this flowery activist bullshit going around about how empowering "sex work" is and how it's a "choice". It was less an issue of some evil man holding a gun to my head (although I have known people whose story is much closer to that and don't mean to dismiss it) and more like something coerced by extreme financial hardship and enabled by my inability to realise anything was bad about what was happening due to my horrific sex education. Financially my situation is precarious today which is adding to the stress in my life. In fact it's about the only source of stress in my life.

    Philosophically I like to think of myself as exceptionally well developed but I do not have a working theory of sex. It bothers me.

    I should note also that I was not particularly well-treated in non-sexual areas of my life. I was beaten by my parents arbitrarily and for reasons that had nothing to do with sincere discipline. (I am opposed to beating children for the purposes of even sincere consistent discipline also, but this is unfortunately common in my country and, in my view, not completely the same, though, I stress, still harmful.) My parents were very emotionally immature people and mostly only spoke to me with a view towards justifying an imminent molestation or beating. As a result I am kind of a shitty roommate today. I am always on the defensive, even over the most innocuous of questions. "What's that?" becomes in my head "What have you done, you piece of shit, I'm going to attack you now". In order to "defend myself" although there is no threat I can deflect with snark or anger which is something I'm super not fond of in myself. I also don't have any plan for how to address this character flaw. But it is a colossal problem. Fortunately my current roommate just thinks it's kind of funny. But I don't.

    I have trouble forming close friendships, for reasons I am sure are related. To be honest This Problem takes up a lot of my own energies as regards my own personal growth and I do not discuss it with people for the obvious reasons. In addition to it being pretty inescapably shameful, I just don't have a lot of super close people who I could discuss it with. I'm making an executive decision to not dwell on the reason for why that is. In truth it's just that I'm kind of new in town. I can socialise fine in theory although my ability to form super close relationships is untested.
     
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  3. Newgirl

    Newgirl Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the community!
    I believe you made the right choice in coming here. You are taking a big step towards recovery. You can heal from your past and become whole it wil take lots of patience but you will get there :)
     
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  4. Teuthtobetold1

    Teuthtobetold1 Fapstronaut

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    Buddha never feel the horniness after he got control over his sex drive. Thats how those celibates can have no sex or any kind of sexual activity over tens of years or even more. I reckon u should start to abstain from pmo and adopt a healthy lifestyle for your body to recover since its not natural to pmo as our body is not made for pmo especially in this era where porn is everywhere. Then ur body will have a chance to readjust and recover.
     
  5. Tryinghardtoquit

    Tryinghardtoquit Fapstronaut

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    Powerful and insightful intro. All the best in your recovery.
     
  6. Jen@8675309

    [email protected] NoFap Moderator
    Staff Member

    To all male users, please stay OFF this thread per @willoWisp's expressed wishes. Do not post here. Do not reply to other men telling them to stay off.
     
  7. willoWisp

    willoWisp Fapstronaut

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    It's okay. I edited that part in earlier today, after those guys had replied. So no worries. That is Now the first statement in this thread, yes, but it wasn't when they posted. Nobody did anything wrong. Thanks for the vigilance though.

    ======================================================================

    I pretty much used again immediately after the second post and decided not to show my face on here until I was three days clean. Which I now am. actually for the first time in a while I feel really good about my sobriety. I had some incredible sex earlier today but that's not even why. It's because I think that even if she hadn't shown up I'd have just sort of Dealt With It until it goes away which I know is what happens to your sex drive when you ignore it and give it a firm no. I think if I can reprogram myself to stop getting aroused completely at random and completely uncontrollably that'll be a good two thirds the battle. Like just getting it to the point where I require some sort of targeted external stimulus. Also she's really curious about me emotionally which I think is good for me. If I don't see more of her, I'll be okay..... if I do, I might be great.
     
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  8. willoWisp

    willoWisp Fapstronaut

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    I think the girl I had sex with yesterday actually hit the nail on the head completely in that I have a complete inability to open up to people due to a shame of several aspects of who I am as a person. As I said before I am philosophically quite well-developed but most of my philosophy revolves around a rejection of inborn attributes as defining character features. Principally I'm quite right about this, but socially it may be leading to a neglect of my emotional needs and therefore causing additional problems to the ones it's solving. If everyone rejected their inborn attributes it would lead to less fighting and stereotypes, but it would also lead to a neglect of needs stemming from said attributes and to the accompanying suffering, acting out, and deprivation of connection. So it is a moral duty to attend to my actual needs. But also to not indulge the "needs" which come from dramatic misrenderings of my nature as a person. Which actually then gets right back to the debate on whether one actually Needs sex and if so in what capacity..... the question can be asked of anything.

    But on the other hand, as an immigrant, I am worried that once you chip away the basic stuff like bipedalism and drinking water, I might for real not have much in common with people. It might not even be an immigrant thing but even just like the lack of mass culture exposure that comes naturally from the whole your-mission-is-your-life thing. In the past I've tried to force this by cultivating interests in pop culture stuff to mild success. But the truth is I'm not as interested in that stuff as one needs to be in order to connect with a human being based on it, largely.

    -I have started to develop an interest in western music though. It is quite sincere.
    -This problem will in all likelihood decrease as I advance in my studies of the majority language of the country in which I live.
    -It's also probably not actually true that I don't have much in common with others. I can tell because I barely even know what I'm interested in because I'm so "focused" on my writing. (no writers are actually focused on their writing.... it's a legend....)
    -I actually have a whole lot in common with people around me politically and philosophically, but because of the language barrier it's harder to hang out with them.
    -I feel like people connect based on things that aren't necessarily related to childhood. Like all the time. Growing up my parents did not have friends. I don't have much in the way of a model for adult friendships although they are quite important to me.

    So I guess the question I need to focus on now is... how do I get to know myself?
     
  9. willoWisp

    willoWisp Fapstronaut

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    Well, re: getting to know myself, it turns out I have left behind a lot of writing. A lot of this is autobiographical. Owing partly due to my financial instability at present I have not been stably housed since around July or so, and I think this stress has understandably had major effects on my personality. Reading the things I wrote closer to around then I seem to have a much better grasp on who I am as a person and rereading it has been instructive. Following the recommendation of pretty much everyone, I'm going to add a few chapters, polish it up some, and send it for publication. Hopefully that'll help my financial situation.

    Good news: the girl didn't ghost me as girls are wont to do when I sleep with them on the first date. Bad news: We won't be able to hang out anymore. Great news: the reason we won't be able to hang out anymore is because I am relocating back to my adopted hometown where I'll be paying half as much in rent for a flat that, unlike this one, is not in a slum.

    I'm really having to come to terms lately with the fact that I fucking hate myself and pretty much get through that life by ignoring the fact that I exist as a person with non-chosen attributes. Philosophically I have been driving myself mad with questions over the nature of choice. What criteria do I make arbitrary choices based on, other than the fact that I like some things more than others? But if that is my criteria, then I didn't choose which things I like more than others. I like blackcurrant and butterscotch more than chocolate. It's not something I chose. So does choosing based on preference actually give me more agency than having attributes assigned to me through other criteria? If I really want to I can acquire a new taste. But to what end? For the sake of exhibiting agency? Almost never. It's pretty much always an effort to integrate with a new social setting or position, isn't it? In other words even the stuff about myself that I chose, I didn't really choose, and it's fucking me up. My self-hatred is such that I can barely even be cognisant of myself as a person with a distinct identity. So in order to come to terms with myself I have to come to terms with my lack of true agency in crafting a self. Even my virtues were seemingly assigned to me; even the ones I have deliberately cultivated are ones that I chose to cultivate based on my own preference for doing so but preference is not a choice. Absolutely I'm overthinking this and I can't stop.
     
  10. willoWisp

    willoWisp Fapstronaut

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    I think even aside from the masturbation stuff I just have a really high sex drive anyway and it's super not helping. I have a week clean now and there's no way I'm giving that up. I just have to wait for my body to adjust to the new normal. I'm honestly really tired and can't bring myself to do much of anything today -- I'm wondering if any of the fatigue and irritability i generally experience can actually be attributed to this at all. I mean porn does cause an increase in aggression, that's a fact. So probably that's part of why I'm such an ass. Not that I don't have other things to work on as a person but this is certainly a big one.
     
  11. willoWisp

    willoWisp Fapstronaut

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    Brief update. Maybe the porn contributes to fatigue on a regular basis, but the reason for what's happening today is because there's a horrible holiday in my country where people light off environmentally unsafe firecrackers made by slave children in blatant defiance of the supreme court and call it a religion. There's no fucking oxygen today. That's why I'm tired. And the reason I'm so horny is because I'm tired and that's a major trigger. Mystery solved.
     
  12. willoWisp

    willoWisp Fapstronaut

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    Still going stronger than ever, stronger than that time I went eight eonyhm or whatever. That time my plan was to subsist despite the urges. Now my plan is to overcome them and reprogram them so they only appear when it's appropriate. I'm becoming a full-blown workaholic, pouring all of my frustration, sexual and otherwise, into learning the majority language of the country in which I live. I'm now spending hours a day in study and practice.
     
  13. willoWisp

    willoWisp Fapstronaut

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    Wow, I forgot how important climate actually is to a person's happiness. The city I have returned to is further from the equator than the one I was in a few days ago. I was raised even further from the equator. But my hometown, which is in a drier climate, and in the winter, much cooler, is making me feel just amazing, like I've died and gone to heaven. With the quality of life impact of the heat and humidity it's actually amazing I lasted a week down there, and it's also for that reason that I was so irritable all the time. My new roommates seem like wonderful people.

    I'm feeling great. No urges. That can change in a second of course. If anything I might be in a somewhat vulnerable spot right now because I'm unaccustomed to riding that sort of thing out here. But inshallah I'll manage.
     
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  14. willoWisp

    willoWisp Fapstronaut

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    So in addition to a cooler climate in the winter my hometown also has some serious air pollution issues which had me bedridden for the better part of the day. But I seem to be fully cognisant that any exhaustion etc in my body will actually be still there and not cured by an orgasm. So although I've had urges I haven't actually been tempted.

    I also feel as though I wasn't giving myself enough credit before with my ability to turn down sex. Either that or it's improved. Or probably both. I've always constantly been turning down sex I didn't want to have -- with men. The thing with me is I actually just like having sex with women and want to do it a lot. There's another Tinder girl who wants to bang and so I actually like... communicated about it rather than letting it haphazardly Happen and discussed the circumstances under which I'm comfortable and etc. It really feels like I'm on my way to a much healthier sexuality and so I couldn't be happier about that.
     
  15. willoWisp

    willoWisp Fapstronaut

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    So I'm still going very strong. One observation: the town I live in has something of a reputation of being one of if not the rapiest cities in the world. Last time I remember this putting me quite on edge. Everywhere I would go I would feel men sizing me up trying to figure out how to rape me. I am a visible minority so this was, in my head, also racialised. They may still be doing so, I don't know. It could be I am a more confident person now and genuinely attracting less attention. Maybe my hair got longer and now I stand out less. Maybe the clothes I wear now are less standout. I don't know. One thing I do know is: being two weeks clean now of porn has not had a NEGATIVE effect on my paranoia. I am willing to attribute a lot of my newfound comfort to it. Either way it was one of my least favourite things about my favourite city so this was a major quality of life issue that I am so happy to have alleviated even if by accident.

    I was quite ill earlier this week (which, I think, partially explains the lack of updates and a lot of this time I actually spent arranging hookups because I was too sick to do much of anything else. I'm not counting it as a relapse because I didn't do anything and wasn't tempted to do anything. But what I find is now that I'm better I actually am not like completely driven by the desire to have random sex with girls. I'll still have it given the chance. I haven't gone cold turkey or anything and never will because I love women and having sex with women. I have a date in a few days which I'm very excited about. But it's taking a major backseat to my other ambitions, which I regard as a very positive development. I guess I'm after something more substantial these days. I'm not looking for eternal life time true frandship or anything. But, you know, some vulnerability, a chance to express my own vulnerability on a personal level. That stuff would be nice.

    I'm sure that'll happen. I like people here. People like me here.
     

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