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Recovery from 12 year PMO

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by BB7378, May 11, 2018.

  1. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    I really need to open my eyes. I still belive my own bullshit image I made for myself. At times I cant see past it. I still see the good guy persona that I told myself and everyone else that I was. Still see it a little. I still cant see fully the damage I have caused. My emotions are so dull. Only the ones I have for myself have any kind of reflex left in them. I started down this path 27 years ago and I never looked back. I never looked at anything, that's a big part of the problem for me. I don't look, I don't think. What are the consiquenses here, who am I affecting by doing this. How is my selfishness ruining other people lives. Even still yesterday on a few different occasions I didn't look at the bigger picture. I didn't see the enormity. There I was just looking at one corner piece instead of seeing it all.

    I really have a lot of work to do to turn this around. I've spent so long with my wires crossed that it's going to take some effort to untangle them and put them in the right place. I always thought that this was going to be a life long journey but the more time passes the greater that realization becomes
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  2. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    My biggest problem in this recovery is me. I'm not doing the most important thing that I need to do. I'm not facing up to myself fully 100% all of the time on a continuous basis. I'm still letting fear rule, I'm still hiding from the fear of looking at myself for what I was. For what I've done and for who I have been and how I have lived my life. If I want to change though then I am going to have to face up to myself and all the things I've done and accept it. I need to come to terms with it, that it was me. And maybe then all the behaviors of my PA will fade more. Maybe then all my defense mechanisms will be rendered useless. Because if I accept it all then what is there to defend.
     
  3. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    My wife is tired and I can definitely see why. It's been a little over 7 months of hell for her and my boy's. I still am not opening up, I'm still not letting my wife in. Why am I not able to open up. Because of fear of being hurt? That doesn't make sense by not opening up I am hurting myself in the worst possible way. Are these just reactions that have been ingrained as I have been like this since 11 years old. I so want to change and open up, I don't want to go through the rest of my life not having a connection with my wife. If I can rectify the situation. Some times I worry that I'm completely emotionally dysfunctional. I have been thinking about maybe trying to get a psyc evaluation or something. Honestly I don't know what the f**k is wrong with me.
     

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