Recovery from 12 year PMO

My SO is on here a lot and she has a profile but doesn't really post anything. My SO does look at a lot of posts and threads and I do think that's helpful for her. My SO knows who I am on here, I have said a few times to my SO about talking to somebody else but she doesn't feel comfortable talking to strangers about her private business. My SO can't talk to her family as they have been involved in my acting out. I am responsible for the way my SO feels trapped and unable to talk to anyone about all my shit. I feel like I cornered my SO and then haven't been there for her when she has needed me the most

 

Yes I feel like this and have said to my SO a few times about this but I can't make my SO do something she doesn't want to do. I understand how she feels and I think I am getting to the point of recovery where I can really help her. I just wish looking back that I got to this point sooner.

 

Day 177

Going to start to try and put something down here every day and try make it like an online journal. Have started to include the number of days from D day also, to give me a little more motivation. I should have already improved this situation but I have continuously made it worse.

Today was crap in the end up. It was typical Monday stuff but when I got home from my SA meeting my SO asked how it was. I replied it was ok. I just replied as though it was a random asking really that's what the problem was. I didn't actually process the question and think how did it go. I just put out a generic response. The problem is that's the behaviour of the PA. It's quick it's easy and it's not the truth. My SO was pretty annoyed by this as she should have been. And she is getting further away with every wrong step I take so this really needs to stop. I didn't realise it but still it was a error on my part. I've said I will be open, honest and aware And that I need to show that I want to make the connection with my SO. So today was a failure.

 

Day 178

So I'm really struggling with being here in the moment. I'm struggling to make emotional connections, to open up and talk to people. To talk to my family is difficult. It's still like I'm a zombie inside. This is really pissing me off. I think because I've been emotional disconnected from the world for so long then I don't know how to be connected. I know it should be easier than this. Why am I making such a meal out of this. All I have to do is open my mouth.

 

This is so true and I struggle so much to even see myself doing it

 

I've spent so much time with my head buried in the sand I don't want to do it any more. And anything I say about my words and actions not lining up will just be an excuse. I definitely don't want to start a new, I won't give up on my SO even if she pulls the plug. Which I wouldn't blame her for doing. I totally agree that it's the PA's problem 100% but that the SO has been dragged into it when she never asked for any of it.

 

Day 180

On Monday my SO pointed out that I'm always looking at things in a negative way. And she was right I think I do usually look at the negative. My SO says I do this to facilitate my self pitty and my desire to do nothing about my situation. And I think she is right in this assessment.

With this in mind my SO put it to me that I was a dry drunk. That I had just stopped PMO but had still kept hold of all the addictive behaviours that go with PMO. That I never truly wanted to give up or change and that it had all been forced on me. The choice was stop or we are leaving. So it was clear if I didn't want them to leave I had to stop, so I stopped. I can say honestly that once it was all out in the open I didn't have a desire or a thought of going back to it. And I knew it was wrong and that it wasn't only destroying my SO and children's life but it was also destroying my own life too. I was getting deeper and deeper and where I was getting to was somewhere I should never have been. My PMO started at a young age because of my parents splitting up. I closed myself of to the world and always looked to the negative and played the victim and looked for the escape to fantasy. And I've been that way ever since.

My SO's point was that I never really choose recovery that it was just somewhere I ended up because I was forced there. I would agree with that, I haven't focused enough and made it my recovery. It has always been so I can save the relationship/marriage. Or so that it looks to the outside world like I care and I'm doing everything I can to fix It. It has only been skin deep recovery.

My SO has gotten to the point of no return. She can't see a way back from this. She keeps extending her hand to me to try and make things work and I keep knocking her hand away. I have left her with nothing and a choice of the future where whatever choice she makes she is going to be the bad guy in someone's eyes.

There is no recovery from this its like trying to paint a white and blue sky full of fluffy white floaty clouds but starting with a black undercoat. How much will my SO ever recover? How much will my two sons ever recover? How much will I ever recover? Not enough is the bottom line. I fucking hate porn but more than that I really fucking hate myself for what I've done. I can never take it back and I can never fix this now. I had multiple chances and I've pissed them all up against the wall.

I don't want sympathy for this and O definitely don't deserve any, I have brought it to this point and I could have saved it on many occasions. I have no one to blame but me. My SO and my son's are the ones I feel sorry for. I have totally ruined there lives over and over and all for a fucking wank.

 

Again with the negative. Sorry that's just the way I'm feeling right now. I need to get rid of this way of thinking and way of being or else I'm never going to get anywhere. I really want to look at the positives and be greatful and be happy. If I don't then there is no hope. Negativity facilitates the addict. That's what he feeds off. I need a complete turn around in this department. Today is the first day of me recovering my life. I can't go on like this. I will just curl up and sease to exist if I do. That is unacceptable. One day at a time one right decision at a time.

 

1. Stop being a slave to this way of being. Be aware that life is short and do the things that will make me and others around me happy.

2. Be aware of my problems and work on changing them and noticing when I'm slipping back into those old ways.

3. Try to reconcile with my SO as much as possible. I understand that I have hurt her so much and have left her with no other option. I just don't want to cause anymore pain or hurt.

4. Do some of my SA 12 step work on a daily basis. I have been going for 4 months but didn't fully commit to the truth in the beginning so I need to rework the steps.

5. Continue counselling with my CSAT. I think he us more focused on saving marriages and likes to see the PA and the SO. I'm not entirely convinced I can get what I need out of him. I plan to do a lot of the worksheets from his program before my next session and see if he is a good fit for me.

6. Journal. Post on NoFap daily or every second day. Put down my journey and try to make sense of it all. Try to help others in the community with there issues as well. Some other perspective helps a lot some times.

6. Research on recovery. Read books, online material and watch videos all about affects and recovery.

7. Start to live life instead of still being moody and closed off to the world. Open up to people be vulnerable for a change. Show the real me, the one that's been trapped inside for so long

Thank you @TryingHard2Change for your replys.

 

So I've come across a couple of big problems for me. They relate to me as a person and how I have grown and developed over the years. They are a part of me and my PMO escape to fantasy.

1. Lies.

The biggest issue for me by a long way. I actually convince myself with my own lies I tell myself in my head. I can't remember or I don't know are my favorite phrases. I lie to myself and I belive it and I gaslight myself and I get confused. This is really fucking me up. I need to get rid of all the lies but I'm making that a much harder job for myself by believing my own bullshit.

2. The Blame game.

This is a result of the lies that I tell myself. I always look for someone to blame. My SO 99.99% of the time. I am so warrped that I actually belive my SO is to blame. All she has ever done is love me and I have went behind her back for years blaming her for all my problems.

These are two massive problems in my life that I really need to get past. I have no room for them. They have already taken so much away. I can't afford them any more time if our lives are going to improve in any way.

 

I would like to take credit for this but it's more like my SO keeps calling me out on my BS. There has been a couple of times I've caught myself recently but that's nowhere good enough considering the amount of lies I've told. Also the lying by ommission, not telling my SO about things I have a thought or struggle with in my head.

Yes it was both. More externally after D day. I find when we are arguing or if things are getting heated or my SO is upset and putting her feelings across. Then I get defensive, then I try to explain myself and I end up blaming her for things going south.

Thank you for the advice though. There are some things I'm going to look into and now I'm more aware of the problem i can hopefully eradicate it.