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Recovery from 12 year PMO

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by BB7378, May 11, 2018.

  1. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    Going to post about my recovery in this tread every couple of days or so.I probably should have started this a long time ago but I suppose it's better late than never.

    So 2 big D days for my SO 2008 and December 16 2017. In December there was an initial D day then 2 more. 1 was January 7 2018 and March 7 2018.

    The first D day 2008 my SO said it needs to stop and I agreed but carried on and hide it much better than I had at first. I carried on until it all came to ahead in December 2017. The multiple D days where me not being honest and not admitting to everything.

    So I haven't watched anything P or P subs since early December 2017. The P was still in my head and I acted out with my SO on my birthday on Jan 7th 2018. Since then I haven't thought about P in that way. (Haven't been looking at anyone else, thinking about an P or doing any P that I'd seen, only flashbacks when my SO was asking questions about P)

    I've been going to SA but I told lies there in the beginning too. I didn't want to admit to myself what I had become or what I had been doing.

    We where still being together intimately on and off when we where not arguing until March. In March a lot of stuff about thinking about other people in the real world and on social media comes out when I had previously denied when asked direct questions about. Since then I have been trying to do the 90 days without any kind of intimacy or O. So I failed in April after 23 days. I was with my SO. Then I started 90 day count again. I made it 23 days again and I end up being with my SO again. I said I would just do the rest and not restart the count.

    I had been totally honest about everything with my SO since April 10th.
     
  2. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    Hey @BB7378,
    I hear your story and can understand where you are coming from. You are right it is never too late to start a journal. I recently started mine a couple of weeks ago and have been neglecting it to be honest.

    Sounds like to you have had more than a couple of DDays and are struggling to be honest and truthful, while admitting your PA and the depths that it has taken you too. I can totally relate. A hallmark of addiction is shame and guilt over the actions and decisions we’ve made. The other side of it is the self preservation, the addict wants to remain in control and pretend like it is normal behavior and acceptable.

    I can tell you the only way forward is to leave the addiction behind. Make a commitment to you and your partner to live an honest and fully truthful life. Learn to be vulnerable and open yourself up to the hard questions and admit your faults and wrongs. It seems hard at first, but becomes easier with practice. You and your partner can only begin to heal once you share the same reality. They need to know the truth about your deceit, and even perhaps how you’ve lied.

    You can’t get clean until you’ve come clean. This doesn’t mean you should offload your baggage onto your partner, but it does mean you need to tell them the truth. You need t be consistent and honest and open to questions, and their pain. The truth hurts, especially when it comes out after the fact. They will need time to process, and hurt, as well as heal. Owning up to what you have done and understanding how you have hurt them is just the beginning.

    Do what you can to leave defensiveness, stonewalling, or self preservation out of the conversation. They only lead to feelings of doubt or contempt, or more questions that just don’t add up. You have an opportunity to make it right, to make the right decisions for yourself and you partner to grow together with love, support, friendship.

    I wish you best of luck and strength on your journey!
     
    hope4healing, BB7378, Numb and 2 others like this.
  3. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    Thank you @NF4L for the response. There's a lot of very good advice in there. And I know what I have to do. It's just a struggle to put it all into practice. I've been so defective for so long. I totally have no desire at all to ever go back to P but I need to shake the negative behaviour and way of thinking.

    It just came to my attention that I actually had a lot of problems with holidays and special occasions. I would have an expectation of my SO and feel entitled. Just wondering if it was the same for any other PA's?
     
  4. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    So it's been a pretty disastrous run of days since my first post. I thought I was actually starting to get some where. But snap back to reality I go and hammer the self destruct button. I had a recall and told my SO over the phone. She started to ask questions and I started to avoid answering. She gets annoyed and rightly so but then I get annoyed and shout the answer at her. We argue it's avoidance and lying any she is pissed. We argue more later and in to the next day. My SO's trust in me is non existent and it's no wonder.
     
  5. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    Then on Monday I recall some other things and tell her on the phone at lunch. We go jogging at 6pm and my SO says it's funny how you always recall from the past I don't have a clue what you where doing last year. We are talking back and fort a memory is sparked in my mind but I decide it isn't a good time to bring it up. We argue when we get home and for the rest of the night I end up saying about the recall and choice not to bring it up right away. This is lying and avoidance again, I have promised so many times that I won't do it again but I do. I realize just how long I have been lying to my SO and myself and it's a lifetime.
     
  6. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    I really need to stop lying. My SO says she can't go on anymore and I understand how she feels. She says she will be hurt but it will be way less painful than dealing with this everyday. I don't want to loose her. I have made the deal with myself not to lie because I need to stop lying no matter what happens from here on in. If I continue to lie I will never get over all this. I will never be able to have a life or give my SO and kids a life with me. If that's even a possibility anymore
     
  7. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    My SO isn't on here, but reads posts and treads from here. And she knows my posts are in rebooting in a relationship and knows my user name
     
  8. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    I know she cares about me, she says she still loves me but that I'm destroying more and more of that love every time I lie. So now it's come down to giving me another chance or her sanity.
     
  9. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    I think it was my SO who told me about here. I have mentioned it to her a few times and maybe trying SANON but she is a private person. And her feelings about it all stop her from talking about it I think. She feels as though she has some blame in it. I told her a lot of times it was her fault. Obviously not now. I was a real shitty partner looking back at everything now.
     
  10. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    Its getting to a point of no return at the moment, but yes I think this is good advice.
     
  11. There's also the option for her to join the SO support group here. It's a private group only for SO's. She doesn't have to post unless she wants to, but she can read others' posts/journals and understand that she isn't alone. There are many of us who have the same or similar struggles as hers and have found a lot of support and helpful information there.
     
    CowardlyLion and BB7378 like this.
  12. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    So I've not posted on here for a while. Things are still not going great but I'm really trying to get there. Last Wednesday night I end up telling a couple of big truths I was still holding onto to my SO.
    These where really holding me back and I knew they had to come out but it took me a while to put them out there.

    We had been talking about boundaries and my SO said that I would have to move out if I lied. So I had to get an airbnb for 4 nights this week. I've been working on a disclosure a final full version then I'm going to take a polygraph. I'm gonna start going for some counselling sessions with a CSAT as well starting next week.

    Had big drama yesterday, my Dad end up sticking his big dump foot in it. I sent him a few messages on my break in work. He sent a load of messages and got annoyed when I didn't reply. He then sent judgemental texts to my SO and phoned her when she was at work. My SO is really pissed about it and rightly so. We had actually been getting on a bit better before all this.
     
  13. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    So today was a good day for a Friday. We all had school and work and the weather was nice. I was supposed to be out of the house for 4 nights this week but my SO said you can stay here tonight if you like last night so that was really good for me. I got to stay here with my SO and the kids. We messaged back and forth discussing things throughout the day. Then I got some work done on my disclosure when I came in from work. We went for a walk and a drink in a bar with the kids and I asked if it was ok if I stayed again tonight. My SO said that was fine. My SO had also said I could stay the first night but I said I would go because I should face the consequences of my actions. This is real incentive for me it shows me how kind and caring my SO can be for me and I owe her the same and more.

    We discussed my Dad at the bar and some of his behaviour and past actions. And I wondered are some behaviours ingrained on us from our parents. I was talking to him through multiple texts but I was like " this is what it must feel like for my SO to be dealing with me". No wonder my SO gets so annoyed
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    So I really need to post in here on a more regular basis, it's been a while.

    Things are pretty shit between me and my SO. No one to blame but myself, I don't want to hurt her no more but I keep having moments of madness. There's been quiet a few, going back over a 2 week period there's been ignoring, minimizing, justification and even an episode of gaslighting that I didn't even realize I was doing. There's been five seperat incidents then arguing after some times for days.

    My SO says she has had enough and I don't blame her, I actually commend her for putting up with my shit for so long. It's been six months and I've dragged my heels all the way. I will never give up trying to win her back. I will never give up on trying to make myself right so that I can help make her as right as she can be.
     
  15. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    Yes I think we are. I know the need and want to make the right changes are there. It just all needs to come together through my actions. Only I don't know if it's too late
     
  16. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    It's never too late to change yourself.

    Whether or not the relationship is over with your SO--time will tell--you have to first focus on yourself / your recovery / and also give your SO time and space for her recovery.
     
  17. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    So I have been getting a better idea in my head of my recovery and what needs to be done. I wrote a letter for my SO a couple of nights ago and I said I realised I hadn't been putting in enough of my own effort into my recovery and that I had put nowhere near enough effort into the recovery of us. I now see these as two different processes. I need to recover for myself but I also need to recover our marriage/relationship/family for my SO and my children. I see it as I need to put more urgency into our recovery as the effort has been lacking there the most and the longer this continues then the further away my SO gets from me.

    The last couple of days have been going better. My SO had been doing a lot of talking and I have been really listening. ( for a change ) This has let me see a lot of the things I'm still doing wrong. That I'm not fully realising the full extent of the pain and hurt I have caused my SO. I'm still not facing up to the enormity of all my acting out over the past 12 years. I'm still afraid to face the PA because of all the terrible things I've done will being obsessed with the addiction. I see that needs to change, I need to look deep into the past and how I was and how I treated my SO and my children. I need to see and realise just how far I was gone. I need to see what it was that made me be ok with what I was doing at the time so I never find myself back there. I need full acceptance of all my behaviour so that I am fully aware of how the addict is and how he comes to be.

    I can feel inside me that I have really taken a step forward in both recoveries. I can really see the changes I need to make for success in both recoveries, because ultimately that is what I want
    I just hope it will be enough. I know I can never repair the damage, hurt, pain and betrayal I have caused for my SO but hopefully I can ease it a little. I know these recoveries will be an ongoing part of my life from here on in and that my effort has to be on a daily basis to make any kind of difference.
     
  18. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Does your wife have any support? Helping her..through her betrayal trauma / helping her path of recovery?
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  19. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry to hear that your husband is being like this. I feel my efforts haven't been enough, things should have been achieved a lot quicker than they have been. I will only start to be satisfied with my efforts when my SO is getting something from them. When my SO gets some satisfaction from my efforts then I will know I'm on the right path.
     
    Kenzi and (deleted member) like this.
  20. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    My SO really only talks to me about things. My SO is a really private person. I haven't really been there for her either so it has made it really hard on her the person that is supposed to be there and listen to her feelings is being defensive about what happened.
     

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