Recovery Can Only Occur With Absolute Honesty

Exactly! What I think pmo addicts struggle with is that they don’t think any person could ever love them for who they really are. So although to us lying is clearly a very bad choice to them it’s the only choice. It’s not just the pmo that for them just piles on top of other issues of not being worthy. Not all people that have low self esteem are pmo addicts but almost all people that are pmo addicts have low self esteem, feelings of shame and fear. For many the low self esteem leads to some type of addiction. When you feel bad you look to something to feel better. Others particularly men who feel rejected by women turn to porn and once you are a pmo addict you know that’s an issue and you have more shame and fear judgment. But the thing is there is someone that will love you we all have flaws but we are all worthy of love. Even the most attractive people have been hurt, rejected and had their hearts broken. As an ex SO I see how unfair this is to a partner, but I can also see the addicts mindset that he or she has to lie. They think eventually they will tell her they just have to get their foot in the door. But as time goes on you pass a point where now if you tell her she will view it as concealment so you just keep lying. I’ve had men not tell me they had children, not tell me they were moving away in two weeks, or that they had an STD. Of course you don’t want to be rejected but you are who you are.

I wish there was a formula for self esteem. I do think with age it grows. I am 40 and I looked much better at 20 but my confidence is 10 fold what it was then. I am happy with me and if no one loves me for who I am then I’m okay being alone. Kids are exposed to porn during their most vulnerable time. Anyone who remembers adolescence knows how awkward and insecure you are. But it’s also when people learn to interact with the opposite sex and start getting past that. These days with computers and cell phones people don’t interact and then they find porn and it seems like the answer . Others who grew up in a different time felt shame surrounding sexuality and so rather than learning to express it in a healthy way they hid in shame alone with porn.

And to many it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. You are a pmo addict you lie to get the girl, she finds out and leaves you and instead of seeing that she left you for lying you are convinced that it’s because you are a pmo addict so the next time you lie again.

One thing I have noticed is that the men who are extremely uncomfortable discussing porn use early on or who say they never watch are the men who have issues with porn. Men who openly discuss it usually do not.

 

How long ago was high school and how long have you been in recovery? The biggest thing is will it effect a relationship now? Do you relapse a lot? My advice is all couples should discuss porn use early on. It’s part of getting to know your partner sexually and just be honest and let her guide what she wants to know. If the genres where something you could be arrested for or gay porn I think you need to be open, because these could effect your relationship or her. If you are a pmo addict even in recovery you can’t watch porn even as a couple so if she’s into that you need to know. Just have a discussion about porn. Don’t feel ashamed . That leads to addiction and secrecy. Own your past. But know it’s not your future.

 

Congrats on the 240 day reboot, but your counter is set at 22? So have you relapsed? If so this may be more of a problem then you realize and it may be best to be direct about the problem when you do start dating. If it is as you have indicated 240 days free and a year, then I think you do just have an honest conversation about porn use and say something like using porn is unhealthy for me. In high school I had a problem, and became addicted. Then answer what questions that she has. The thing is if she asks you want type of porn you watched, I think you need to answer. If you are evasive or lie, then that starts the spiral of deceit and can cause more problems then if you just told her. If she does not ask then I don’t think you have any reason to offer the type of porn, again unless it is illegal or something that calls into questio your sexuality. By illegal I mean child porn, because that could come back to bite you later in the relationship and I fully respect all sexual orientations, but if a man was bi sexual I would want to know that. If instead you have relapsed then I think you do need to be right out front, because clearly it is something you are struggling with and will continue to in a relationship. A common misconception is that once PMO addicts get into relationships their problem will be solved because they will have access to sex. However, since PMO addiction has nothing to do with sex, that never happens. The added stress and pressure to please another in bed sends them right back to where they were. At your age and I think in general you cannot use innuendo and expect your potential partner to ask or know what PMO addiction is, you have to be direct, most people have no clue. Not on the first date, but when you realize it is becoming serious and before failing to reveal would be concealment. That usually means before her emotions become involved. Good luck!

 

I think it’s great that you have such strong resolve to beat this. It is not compatible with true love. It sounds like you will still be honest with your future partner, so that is what matters. The mistake many make is to think that PMO will never effect their relationship, so they do not tell their potential SO. So long as you are honest you are doing well.

 

There may be some women who see men that show their emotions as weak, but men that never show emotions in my opinion are also huge red flags. Let’s be clear anyone male or female who lacks control of their emotions can cause issues but men who show emotions at the appropriate times are simply human. If your man does not ever show emotions he’s either a psychopath or he’s hiding them from you and putting on a show, most likely the latter. So if a woman wants a man to not show his emotions because that makes him weak to her so be it. Who am I to say that’s not okay? But all men have feelings and emotions either they hide them to appear strong or they show them. How is an addict heading into a pmo journey supposed to deal with the fact that relapses are possible and likely at any stage of recovery? Accept it and use it to make his or her recovery better. Hope for the best plan for the worst. Are there women who laugh about ED sure. There are men who laugh at women’s weight or breast size at men’s jobs, at women’s intelligence. We all have faults and yes dating is brutal but here’s the thing you are who you are. You are not the person you want to be or the person you create for others to see. If you are not fully honest about who you are the person falling in love with you is not falling in love with you at all, they are falling in love with a fallacy that you have created. Eventually they are going to find out who you really are and then what? Maybe had you given them a chance to accept you as you are they would have but now you are a liar.
If a person feels they have to pretend to be someone they are not to get a date then they need to look deeper inside themselves. There is a door for every key. And what’s the alternative? Pretend? People have a right to know what they are getting into. If a person is going to leave you for being a former or current addict they are going to leave you whether you disclose on date 3 or you disclose on date 23 so why prolong it?
And truly it’s not about me or if someone disagrees with me it’s about the people that they are dating and how they are going to feel. You don’t know how that is but most people don’t like to have important things kept from them and past addiction and/or ED are things most people want to be told. Sure there’s a small percentage of people that may not but why take that chance? If you respect someone you are honest with them and honesty means revealing any past or current behavior that could effect them or your relationship. I really don’t see a way around that. If you do I respect that but I just hope your future partner sees it that way as well.

 

Something I read through on this thread and a lot of others on dating on NoFap boards is the message that who you are as an individual is not enough for someone else so you should present yourself as the ideal partner for the person you are dating rather than finding the ideal person for you. If someone is the type of person who makes fun of ED then why in God’s name would you want to pretend you don’t have it and never have so that that person will date you? Why would you even want to be with a person like that? And if they are like that don’t you want to know now? Part of the reason dating sucks today is the high level of dishonesty that people display. I know self esteem is low among most addicts and so they may feel the need to pretend to be someone who they are not. But all that does in the long run is causes you more pain when they do leave. Just be who you are and be honest about it. If others done like it so be it. Find someone who does.