Recovery and sexual awakening!

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Reboot Logs' started by holding_energy, Dec 3, 2018.

  1. holding_energy

    holding_energy Fapstronaut

    11
    5
    3
    PMO/PIED is a trap I've made for myself, designed by my childhood brain to prevent me having to experience painful feelings. I keep falling into it because I'm both the spider and the fly. But it robs my life of all joy and all pleasure. I don't have a partner - I never learned how to. Subconsciously I chose the numbness of PMO/PIED instead.

    There are many positive things I'm doing now. I've been weightlifting for about six months. I do Bikram Yoga five times a week. I've taken up swimming again. All of these reconnect me with my body and my libido. This week I'm returning to my former therapist after a year's break. I've also had some sessions of neurofeedback, and ideally this will become weekly.

    It's clear looking back at my life that I have a dissociative disorder. I don't have multiple personalites, but I feel splintered, like I am not a complete, coherent person, and that I am not the one in my life. I go very easily into a trance state, like standby mode, and in this state my life-force and serenity is stolen from me. I started doing it in response to childhood difficulties. My addiction to PMO/fantasy is both a symptom of this and something that makes it worse.

    Because I'm so conditoned into dissociating, I also cannot own a smartphone, play computer games, go into virtual reality, gamble, use drugs, listen to new-age spiritual teachers, or use hypnosis recordings. I must learn to anchor myself in physical reality.

    The challenge is, what do I do when I'm aroused if it's not throw away my energy and I don't have any other outlets? It's easy for me to write all this now. But what do I do when I'm back at my computer after being at the gym and in a Bikram class, with triggering girls all around me?

    Well, perhaps remember that I love that feeling of being aroused, feeling my sexual energy, but channelling it into lifting weights or improving a Bikram pose. And now I can learn how to hold onto that energy to spiral upwards, and make the next day's experience better, too. I need this energy to move forward in life. I need sexual sobriety for this to be possible. A new life awaits me now. I trust that all will be taken care of when I control and raise up my energy.

    I don't think realistically I want to completely abstain from masturbation. But if I can reduce it to once a week at a scheduled time, thinking about something seen during the week (rather than porn or fetish thoughts, or memories of girls from years ago), then that's fine.

    Thank you for reading. I realise the important of regular posting, so I will post here again tonight.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2018
  2. holding_energy

    holding_energy Fapstronaut

    11
    5
    3
    Today I got my haircut at a smart hairdressers. I printed out some forgotten things I'd written seven or eight years ago. (Though I must remember recovery comes from helping others, not from returning to your own hall of mirrors!). I went weightlifting. And I went to a very busy Bikram class, where I was a little excited by the girl in front of me, though my sexual energy is generally very repressed.

    On the undisciplined/bingey side, I drank 3 cups of coffee and two sweet things. One or two coffees and no sweet things is how it should be!

    Still, I'll take that. Now I'm going to bed at the end of an abstinent day 1.
     
  3. holding_energy

    holding_energy Fapstronaut

    11
    5
    3
    I was downloading and jerking to P yesterday morning/afternoon and then again at night until 1.40am. I finally ejaculated in bed to thoughts.

    I am not going to be able to quit this without working a programme of recovery, like No More Mr Nice Guy. It is also a problem that I don't have any other outlet. Yet porn is keeping me trapped.
     
  4. holding_energy

    holding_energy Fapstronaut

    11
    5
    3
    It's an obvious point but I need to remind myself - OF COURSE, I will want to look at porn when I didn't ejaculate in a few days. I always search for the same models and my brain thinks I'm in a relationship with them! Or searching for new women, the excitement of novelty. New pixels, new files, not real people, no threat to all my fears of reality, keeping myself caged. The reward circuitry of brain has been hijacked by this addiction, and also my brain believes it's keeping me safe; but life is slipping away.

    I want to give up porn, despite part of my brain wanting to keep using it. But it's ruinous for me!
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2018 at 9:21 AM
  5. holding_energy

    holding_energy Fapstronaut

    11
    5
    3
    "But to 'really' fix the journey into sedation, one must face what one avoids by going into this sedation. You must face what you flee from at the exact moment that you enter porn."
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2018 at 5:23 AM

Share This Page