I've been addicted to porn ever since I saw it, thirty years ago. My childhood brain realised it stopped me having to experience painful feelings. It was also a way to stay loyal to my mother, and not be like my father, who I hadn't properly bonded with and didn't like. So my whole life, all my sexual energy and life's potential has been wasted on porn. This robs my life of all joy and all pleasure. I don't have a partner - I never learned how to. I have taken many positive steps, but it hasn't all come together yet. I've been weightlifting for about six months. I do Bikram Yoga five times a week. I've taken up swimming again. All of these reconnect me with my body and my libido. This week I'm returning to my former therapist after a year's break. It's clear looking back at my life that I have issues with dissociation (exacerbated by soft-drug use). I feel splintered, like I am not a complete, coherent person, and that I am not the one in my life. I go very easily into a trance state, like standby mode, and in this state my life-force and serenity is stolen from me. I started doing it in response to being humiliated by bullies when I was a child - or perhaps it was earlier. My addiction to PMO/fantasy is both a symptom of this and something that makes it worse. Because I'm so conditoned into allowing anxious thoughts to be dominant, and into dissociating, I cannot own a smartphone, play computer games, go into virtual reality, gamble, use drugs, listen to new-age spiritual teachers, or use hypnosis recordings. I must learn to anchor myself in physical reality. The challenge is, what do I do when I'm aroused if it's not throw away my energy and I don't have any other outlets? It's easy for me to write all this now. But what do I do when I'm back at my computer after being at the gym and in a Bikram class, when I have raised up my God-given sexual energy for which I have no outlet? Well, perhaps remember that I love that feeling of being aroused, feeling my sexual energy, but channelling it into lifting weights or improving a Bikram pose. And now I can learn how to hold onto that energy to spiral upwards, and make the next day's experience better, too. I need this energy to move forward in life. I need sexual sobriety for this to be possible. A new life awaits me now. I trust that all will be taken care of when I control and raise up my energy. I don't think realistically I want to completely abstain from masturbation. But if I can reduce it to once a week at a scheduled time, thinking about something seen during the week (rather than porn or fetish thoughts, or memories of girls from years ago), then that's fine. I know I also need to work a programme of recovery, like No More Mr Nice Guy, or SLAA anorexia steps, or the questions out of Patrick Carne's Out of the Shadows. There is one in-person recovery meeting I can attend each week. Thank you for reading.