PMO/PIED is a trap I've made for myself, designed by my childhood brain to prevent me having to experience painful feelings. I keep falling into it because I'm both the spider and the fly. But it robs my life of all joy and all pleasure. I don't have a partner - I never learned how to. Subconsciously I chose the numbness of PMO/PIED instead. There are many positive things I'm doing now. I've been weightlifting for about six months. I do Bikram Yoga five times a week. I've taken up swimming again. All of these reconnect me with my body and my libido. This week I'm returning to my former therapist after a year's break. I've also had some sessions of neurofeedback, and ideally this will become weekly. It's clear looking back at my life that I have a dissociative disorder. I don't have multiple personalites, but I feel splintered, like I am not a complete, coherent person, and that I am not the one in my life. I go very easily into a trance state, like standby mode, and in this state my life-force and serenity is stolen from me. I started doing it in response to childhood difficulties. My addiction to PMO/fantasy is both a symptom of this and something that makes it worse. Because I'm so conditoned into dissociating, I also cannot own a smartphone, play computer games, go into virtual reality, gamble, use drugs, listen to new-age spiritual teachers, or use hypnosis recordings. I must learn to anchor myself in physical reality. The challenge is, what do I do when I'm aroused if it's not throw away my energy and I don't have any other outlets? It's easy for me to write all this now. But what do I do when I'm back at my computer after being at the gym and in a Bikram class, with triggering girls all around me? Well, perhaps remember that I love that feeling of being aroused, feeling my sexual energy, but channelling it into lifting weights or improving a Bikram pose. And now I can learn how to hold onto that energy to spiral upwards, and make the next day's experience better, too. I need this energy to move forward in life. I need sexual sobriety for this to be possible. A new life awaits me now. I trust that all will be taken care of when I control and raise up my energy. I don't think realistically I want to completely abstain from masturbation. But if I can reduce it to once a week at a scheduled time, thinking about something seen during the week (rather than porn or fetish thoughts, or memories of girls from years ago), then that's fine. Thank you for reading. I realise the important of regular posting, so I will post here again tonight.