Recovery and Honesty

I'm new to the forums, and I'm new to recovery, but full disclosure: I've kept the full extent of my addiction secret from my wife of 11 years for over 18 years (when we first met), so I expect harsh judgment.

My marriage isn't in crisis, although we've grown more distant over the years, and not only because of my addiction. The thing is, honesty in my situation will cause more harm than good. It will be a self-generated rock bottom moment. It will cause hurt and destruction on a scale that in my mind would be impossible to overcome. I know my wife loves me, but I don't believe she would have the capacity to forgive me, and honesty means our marriage would be over or at best intolerable. So where does that leave me? Am I truly in an impossible situation that can't be overcome? If my choices are to be honest and generate unimaginable pain and destruction or to stay silent and continue in my addiction to delay the inevitable pain and destruction, that's truly between a rock and a hard place. But what if there were a 3rd option? What if recovery is possible without hurting the ones that I love?

I watched the video @TryingHard2Change posted here, and not every wife is like the speaker. Not every wife loves her husband enough to work through the betrayal. I have no idea if mine is, and my self-hatred feeds the belief that she isn't, but I refuse to believe that recovery is only possible through honesty.

 

She speaks the truth.

 

Wow, @GhostWriter - you asked "Harsh judgment from who?" and then proceeded to throw me into a meat grinder. Was that a rhetorical question?

I am looking for objective feedback, so I realize me writing "I refuse to believe..." was poorly worded. I suppose my correct sentiment would be me wanting to believe that there's a way I can recover and be a good husband to my wife without having to destroy her and our relationship in the process, but you believe that's easier than a frog growing wings. Fine. I understand I have an addict's mind, and as such I have a thick fog of addiction that I can't see clearly through yet, so I suppose that rules out the possibility of objective reasoning on my part. By hiding my addiction from my wife, there is a massive amount of self-preservation there, so I can't trust myself (nor will anyone else for that matter) when I say I also want to protect my wife as well. But I digress.

There's no doubt that I put myself here. My addiction is my own, and I made the fatal flaw of getting married and thinking I can stop my "porn habit" which I never realized was an addiction. So here I am trying to fix myself, but to do that you believe I have to wield a wrecking ball through my life. Obviously this only applies to those who are in a relationship because this requirement doesn't apply to those who are single. Makes sense I guess, since a marriage is a sacred covenant.

The prevailing opinion here seems to be that recovery is 100% impossible without telling my wife the truth about my addiction. Why is that, exactly? Is it because of the support I would get from my spouse by telling her and then committing myself to recovery? That's reality for some but I dare hypothesize it's a minority situation. Is it so I can create a rock-bottom moment for myself? BTW, I didn't really understand your logic here:

I know rock-bottom moments have been pivotal in thrusting addicts into recovery. So is it a requirement then? Is it not possible to seek help before lives are destroyed? Can a man not work on improving himself without setting off an explosion first? I understand I got myself here and I'm responsible for whatever consequences come my way, but let's assume that there's perhaps a .01% chance of recovery without telling my wife, is that not worth the attempt? Or is the requirement you're not in recovery until you hurt others? Excuse me for not rushing into further destruction if there's a possibility to minimize it.

@TryingHard2Change and @EyesWideOpen - you both seem to think my options are binary. Come clean and work on recovery, or live in a dishonest marriage until I get caught. Both of those options are predicated upon the fact that a PA in a relationship can't recover on his/her own. If that's the absolute truth, then I'll have to grow to accept that and prepare for D-Day, but I suppose I'm holding out hope for something else.

And please, by all means, can anyone link to or point me in the direction of where this was discussed ad nauseum if nobody wants to rehash the same arguments.

 

Here are my responses to your questions:

I'm not sure, but I'm also not objective. I've hated myself my entire life, and that apparently comes through in my writing due to multiple people telling me I need a therapist after they've read my journal and overwhelmed thinking I'm having a pity party. I suppose that would define my life if that were the case. I believe my wife settled for me by marrying me, and I did the same. We've both acknowledged that. She assures me that she loves me, but with previous betrayals in her life with infidelity from her 1st husband and abuse from her father, I don't think she has the capacity to forgive the monumental betrayal that I've been lying to her for so many years. Honesty is a huge issue for her as it is for every SO. We have 2 young kids, so I don't believe she would divorce me right away, but from where I see it our marriage would be effectively over. As I said, I'm not objective and there's no possible way to know unless I disclose.

She knows something is awry and she always has, but she also knows I've struggled with depression my entire life. She is aware that I've viewed porn in the past, and a couple years ago I had a mini-disclosure with her that was filled with lies and had about 10% of the truth, so I don't count it. There was a time early in our marriage where she would ask me I've viewed porn, and I of course lied. After my mini-disclosure there was about a month of hurt that followed before things went back to the way they were pre-disclosure. Since then she's never asked me about porn, which has left me perplexed. Is she living under an intentional blanket of denial? Does she think I'm cured? I don't know, so I'm not so sure of anything really.

Yes, unfortunately. Probably more because of how I feel about myself, but addiction fuels shame and feelings of unworthiness, so there's that.

I don't know how to answer this one. As I said she assures me that she loves me. I've joked with her about how I'm worth more to her dead than alive due to life insurance, and she adamantly disagrees with that. Of course, the last time that came up, it didn't have to do with us or our children, but more with her not wanting to deal with my parents that recently moved local to us. I don't believe she feels chained to an unhappy relationship. I believe it's more her thinking I've changed over the course of our relationship and wishing things were better. I have changed, but not only because of my addiction. My wife is very strong-willed and stubborn, and I've adapted (for the better? for the worse? this is therapy material here for which I'm not qualified) by becoming more strong-willed and stubborn myself. This has effectively put a shield around me to protect myself from her, but at the same time it's also closed me off from her. I can already anticipate calls for couples counseling, but things aren't as bad as I make them out to be.

Obviously the answer to these questions are self-apparent, but I'll disagree on one point that I'm fine with living a life full of lies and keeping secrets. I'm not nor have I ever been fine with that. So what is it then? Weakness and fear on my part to be honest? Absolutely! Ego? Well, that I don't know. As I've mentioned previously, it's most definitely self-preservation, relationship-preservation, not becoming the destroyer of worlds preservation. Whatever you call it is what it is.

Can you clarify what you mean by this? Are you referring to the decision to stay with an addict or leave? To remain married to a man who isn't who she thought she was married to? If that's what you mean, then yes I do realize that.

My plan? I don't know what my plan is. I don't want to be a dry drunk. I've tried abstaining so I know what that is and that it doesn't work. I can attend therapy and my wife would be supportive of it as she was when I went previously, so that's still an option. She's against 12 step programs. Part of the reason for my mini-disclosure I reference above was so I can start going to meetings without having to lie, and we argued at length about it and I gave up and dropped it. Why is she against it? I think lack of knowledge, that she doesn't want me exposed to "those kind of people" without realizing she's married to one of those people. Tracking triggers is key and will be part of my journal. I never keep stashed porn, so there's nothing to delete. I'm trying to change routines.

Look, I'm trying to take steps here. I really am. I hate my addiction, I hate what I've done to the people I love, and I have to learn how to forgive myself for it. I can't keep living a hate-filled life because it drives me to my addiction. Will I have to disclose to my wife? The answer is yes, so I don't need any more convincing. I just don't know the timing of it or even how to do it. I came here to attempt a reboot. Let's say I dry-drunk my way through 90 days, or I improve myself by learning how to control my triggers. I feel as if I'm a game show contestant where the host shoves a microphone in my face and says, "CONGRATULATIONS! You've successfully rebooted your brain and put yourself on a path of recovery. Let's see your reward behind door #1.....YES!!!! DISCLOSURE!!!! Telling your wife and causing even further damage to her than you've already done!" Can anyone blame me for hoping there's another option?

 

@GhostWriter and @noexcuses - I'll save you the suspense. I'm a sex addict who is probably in need of professional help. I did take the survey from recoveryzone, and it's basically the same as all the other surveys I've taken which have confirmed it. As for professional help, my mother was suggesting I see a therapist when I was in high school over 25 years ago, but I always resisted until this past year. If you've read my journal you know I tried it and it didn't work out. Unfortunately, there aren't many CSAT professionals in my immediate area, and the ones that are don't take my insurance, so it goes to the disclosure issue as to why that's a nonstarter for now as I would have to justify the expense to my wife. That leaves me with finding a standard therapist, and that I can easily do and my wife would support it. Perhaps it's something I may consider doing again.

To answer your question about Out of the Shadows, GhostWriter, I thought it was a very good book that allowed me to learn more about my addiction. A lot of the content seemed to apply to addicts whose lives have already become dramatically unmanageable. I call myself a functioning addict because my life isn't in crisis and I have somehow put limits on my addiction, if that makes any sense. Has my addiction affected my wife - undoubtedly yes. I think my "unmanageability" is an internal one in that I've been slowly dying on the inside. My compulsions have been escalating, and it's the main reason I finally decided to join NoFap so I can perhaps stop the escalation that would lead me to be a classic case study that Dr. Carnes can write about in his next edition. With Out of the Shadows, and I refer to this in my journal, the levels of addiction are interesting because it gave me a way to classify my compulsions, and it also made me realize that my acting out is a gateway to some of the more deviant forms of sex addiction. That scared me a bit because until then I had only considered myself a porn addict and not necessarily a sex addict. I think porn addiction is a subcategory of sex addiction, but I've always looked at those separately in the sense that sex addicts may also be porn addicts, but their acting out must include additional activities besides just porn. Mine, unfortunately, do.

There's a lot more I can say about it, but that does lead me to ask you a clarifying question regarding this:

Are you of the opinion that disclosure requires absolute full disclosure? I'll give you an example unrelated to my situation. Let's say I had an affair, and I need to confess to my wife. I can do that, but I don't believe I need to go into details regarding positions, locations, amount of pleasure involved, etc. What I'm getting at is, full disclosure would be "I've had an affair with XYZ and it's been ongoing for XYZ period of time." That doesn't necessitate going into levels of detail that would only cause further damage. I can disclose that I'm a porn addict, but I don't feel it would be necessary or fruitful to reveal exactly what sites and genres of porn got me off, and I also don't see the benefit of disclosing some of my previous forms of acting out if my main problem is porn addiction and it wouldn't change the course of my recovery. I understand there will be questions, and I would probably need to address them, but there would be a point where I can and should say that's not relevant, correct?

It's important to reiterate that I don't know when or how to do this. I've always felt that it would be inevitable, and this thread pretty much confirmed it, but I still have the same weakness and lack of courage as I had before. Regardless, I'm trying to focus on the challenges directly in front of me, and that's getting through today, but more importantly my triggers are a day or 2 away from kicking in (don't know if this is normal, but I always enjoy a few days of peace from my addiction after a binge). I know I have to deal with withdrawals and irritability and a plethora of fun things to break the addiction cycle, but I suppose that's par for the course.

 

I don't think there is anything to add to the fact that your wife always deserves the truth no matter how painful it might be, and I'm not sure if this has been said already because it seems obvious, but have you ever asked yourself how you would feel like if the situation was switched around?

Maybe your addict-self would actually still find a way to justify lying over being honest in that situation too, but at least try to let go of your addictive denial when you think it the other way around.

If your wife was having sex with other men behind your back for the longest time, would you prefer not knowing the truth to spare yourself the pain, if she decided that it was just meaningless sex and she would stay faithful to you from now on? Does addiction or recovery from addiction have anything to do with the fact that you have done something behind your wife's back that you shouldn't have done because it most likely hurts her and that she deserves to know that you have hurt her and betrayed her trust (apart from hurting her even more by choosing to lie if you won't tell her)? If you were a vegetarian and it would hurt you to see your wife eat animals and you would have agreed on both not eating meat, would you not want to know that she betrayed your trust in a moment of weakness just so you won't feel hurt by the truth? Just replace vegetarian with loyal spouse and eating animals with giving away something that is special to you and your wife - physical and emotional attraction + intimacy because of how much you love each other - which amplifies that feeling of needing and wanting to know the truth by a thousand, if not by a million, if not by infinity.

Just put yourself in her shoes, I doubt you would approve of your "self-" and "relationship-preserving" solution.

 

Thanks @kropo82 for the input. I understand where everyone is coming from. I can tell you at this point in time I'm firmly working under #3 in your list. For me it has to do with timing. I'm fighting through the early stages of recovery, and I may or may not be successful, which would thrust me into dealing with disclosure sooner rather than later. If I relapse, do I continue living the lies knowing I'm unable to recover using the limited resources I have available to me? I'll have to make that choice if that happens. If I don't relapse, I think disclosure may be a better pill to swallow with a foundation of recovery underneath me. I'm not talking about years, but rather in the short term.

@AngelofDarkness, and I guess all the other SOs that have responded in this thread and have been hurt by PAs, I wish I could explain where I'm coming from better, but I almost feel as if I'm a man who's been tried and convicted, sitting at the table listening to victim impact statements. It doesn't matter what I say at that point or how much I've changed for the better, I'm still the villain that has caused unimaginable pain. I hear what you're saying, and I don't disagree with it. I'm taking steps toward recovery. I know that doesn't absolve me of my past actions, but at this point it's what I'm doing to become a better man and husband. Will it be enough? I don't know. Am I doing it the way it should be done? I don't know. Will my wife forgive me or will my marriage be destroyed? I don't know. If my marriage is destroyed, will I be the cause of it because of all my secrets and lies? Of course. That I do know.

Here's what else I know. If I stay on a path of recovery, I'm on the right path. My consequences of living the life I've lived will come. There's not doubt of that, and I will face them.

 

Thanks for that.

I don't know if this is splitting hairs, but I'll do it anyway as you've mentioned this a couple times in this thread and I think it can be useful for me to understand where you're coming from.

What does it mean to be judged by someone? First off, I don't think that's automatically a negative. We make conscious judgments of others all the time for good or bad, that's just part of human nature IMO.

By its most strict definition, judging someone would be making a decision on his past actions and then condemning him for it, but at its loosest it's more about forming an opinion about someone. Going even further, it's forming an opinion based upon a bias against that person.

I've gone through this thread, and I read your initial response to me in which I responded that you had put me through a meat grinder. I considered it judgment simply because you accused me of spouting bullshit and assuming I wanted feedback to affirm my already preconceived notions. I'm not saying you shouldn't have said what you did or that you should have felt bad about it either. I think many of us need a good swift kick in the ass. Not all judgment is bad, and if I'm an addict in denial justifying my bad behavior and someone rightly points that out and says what I'm doing is wrong and by not changing I will continue down a path of addiction, is that not a judgment and a correct one at that?

As for the SOs, after spending lots of time reading through various responses on these forums, I get the impression (generally speaking of course) that SOs are far more sympathetic, understanding, and supportive of PAs who have already experienced disclosure. Fine! As they should because SOs that have had their lives upended by a PA's lies will naturally and understandably be biased against PAs that are still in a state of lying to their SOs - even if it's lies of omission and secrecy. I get that, and I fully expect the harshness that comes from that. Examples of what I see as biased judgment against me and not just SOs telling me how they feel in order to facilitate me coming to the conclusion all on my own as you phrase it - and I'm not quoting or calling out anyone because I'm not doing this from a place of anger or retaliation, I'm just pointing them out:

• "You seem to be fine with living a life full of lies and keeping secrets from your wife for your entire marriage."
• "You have built your marriage on false pretenses and are continuing to do so."
• "Shame humiliation your ego are really at the core of you not wanting to tell her."
• "Sooooo when you’re done having delusions and feeling sorry for yourself and you want to join reality you’ll do the right thing."
• "So her deciding to marry you? NOT HER DECISION. You took that by not telling her about your porn use even if you weren't sure if was an addiction"
• "Her deciding to have children with you? NOT HER DECISION. You took that by hiding your addiction."

GhostWriter - these are what I call judgments. Most of them ARE ACCURATE JUDGMENTS! And that's fine, and everyone is free to make judgments against me. It won't change anything about what I've done, and I'm not some fragile child that can't handle brutal honesty and judgment either. Seeing the SOs respond has further reinforced what I already know which is I've caused damage and harm to those I care most about in this world. I hope I'm on a path to correct that.