Recovering Online Sissy. Fighting this battle for about 2 years. "Contains Triggers"

Greetings. First of all, I have to say that this community is quite helpful and really supportive. Props to the volunteering work that every member does in order to help many men regain and free themselves from this addictive behavior. As probably every member here, I'd like to share my story with you.
Onlychild, father never wanted to have kids. Once I was born he was missing from the house more and more until I got 12, when he broke up with my mother in order to marry another woman. After that we don't speak much and we pretty much never had any father-son relationship. I shared that with you cause I believe it may took its toll too in that story.
Before I even start watching porn, I had some sissy experiences without even knowing it. When I was 10 or 11, I'd have one or two girls trample me for fun, stick pencils into my you know what, pretending that shampoo is semen and shooting it to my face and some shit like that.
Well you might think, maybe you are a real time sissy and you didn't know it. Well I'm not. I was never sexually attracted to men . I'm not a homophobic either, I do have 1-2 good gay friends.
Anyway, lets continue. When I turned 12, and porn came into my life, I orgasmed for the first time with the worst possible way for me. I was watching a straight porn and thinking that I was the girl and the guy was a dominant-pretty confident friend of mine.
After done, I immidiately regret this, although, I knew I'll probably never forget it. And I did.
For the next 1-2 years I was co-watching porn with a good friend of mine without any of us watching the other's shaft or stroking their chicken in front of the other. I was yet really eager to suck his you know what. However, all this gayness was gone when I wasn't watching porn or in my everyday life.
You are probably thinking, shit son you must be having 20 IRL boyfriends by now.
Well I don't xD. After turning 15, I had a good relationship with a pretty girl. Stayed with her until was 18 and sometimes fooled with other girls while I was with her (sorry babe :/ ).
During this time I keep watching porn but I was never into sissy back then or pretending to be a girl. To be honest, after the first experience I stopped doing all the previous sissy stuff and never thought about being a girl anymore.
I have to point out, though that, I never had sex with her. Anyway moving on.
I'm 23 now. When I got to college I start having a lot of girls. I'm probably a decent looking guy, I have a lot of confidence when I talk to girls (really man? after all this? yep xD).
However, there's a great plothole in this story. I couldnt have sex with them. My shaft wasnt working. I was still watching porn without escalating to any sissy stuff. However, after experiencing an abusive relationship when I was 19, and a possible cuckold, I went down the spiral. Found femdom,joi,cei,femdom pov,cuckold porn which made quite a damage to me and then I got to the final stage: Sissy captions/story etc. I was 20 when I found it and it was like finding heaven. I was probably PMOing everyday. At the same time I was continuing hooking up with girls only to be dissapointed after a while cause I couldnt get it hard. College was going pretty shit too.
And then when I was turning 21, I found a great girl. I never talked about my porn issues and she stayed with me despite my ED. After 6 months of trying, we made it and had sex. We had sex a lot however I was not able to orgasm via penetration and sometimes ED would kick in again.
When she broke up with me I was devastated for a bit but then when I was turning 22, I found this site and started fighting. It was like I was discovering myself again. I keep having girls in my life and I tried with 1-2 to do it again ,without success though :/.
I've relapsed many times and I believe that the longest streak was like 45 days or something.
I've relapsed like an hour ago and I said to myself, ok you may have to step your fighting game a bit now. Talk to them, share your embarrashment.
When I'm in a good run, I feel powerful. I feel like a new man. I work out and study a lot. I almost feel that I'm not myself. Its too good and powerful to be me xD.
I'm vulnerable when someone messes up with my working schedule and cant work/study properly and when home alone late at night browsing.
I've talked to 1-2 good friends about it but noone seems to understand me. I do get it though, it may be quite rare. One of them are making fun of me from time to time but I'm ok with it I laugh about it too sometimes.
Nowadays, I'm still fighting but when I relapse, I relapse pretty hard, edging for hours while going to sex chat sites and asking for "alphas" to let me make them orgasm with straight porn and sexchat while pretending to be a girl.
I'm not losing faith. I believe in myself. However, I was pretty dissapointed that I lost my 7-day streak and wanted to do something new.
So here you go.