rebooting for intimacy journal

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by ebbndflow, Sep 7, 2018.

  1. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    Well I haven't watched any porn but I have had sex and mb'ed. I don't feel particularly bad about this at the moment but I know it will catch up with me.

    I had sex with two men in the same night. I was drunk and starving for intimate attention so I picked up a guy and brought him home. He didn't last very long and I was dissatisfied so I called this person who has been my go to since relocating. He picked me up and I spent the rest of the weekend at his house.

    I told him the next day that I had been with someone else the night before and how I felt disturbed by my behavior in the light of day. He was very nonchalant and said there's nothing wrong with having sex. He seems to think that my connection with religion is to blame for my desire to transform my sexuality and it is a valid thought but not the whole truth.

    Being around him has helped to confirm for me that sex without love is as mundane as taking a shit once you've done it enough times. His lack of spirituality outside of sexual ecstasy is a cause for concern. There are many things I don't like about him and yet I've shared myself in the ultimate way. He doesn't value physical health or spirituality. Whenever I try to encourage him to give the benefit of the doubt he always sees the negative in a situation looming.

    I have decided to stop seeing him because he has a tendency to raise his voice when I don't give him what he feels entitled to (attention, agreement,etc).

    I have mb'ed after a long week of change and hard work and I don't feel guilty. I will remain conscious of my goals to transform my sexuality and work towards allowing this change to happen.
     
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  2. EmmyB

    EmmyB Fapstronaut

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    I think M partly creates our desire for full on sex, and also our dissatisfaction with it.
     
  3. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    I am in agreement with you Emmy. At the moment I had finally been able to rest after a long week of work. I moved and started a new job and was getting used to a new schedule. So when I finally got a moment to myself to rest I did take advantage and brought myself to O for the sake of relaxation.

    Of course I understand that if I rely on this form of relaxation to heavily it will create a hunger for an encounter with someone else, which makes me wary of my actions. I'm not clear on why my body is wired this way exactly but even when I try to sublimate my desires by exercising or stretching my appetite always crops up again, sometimes more intensely because I'm more aware of my body when I'm active.
    m in
     
  4. EmmyB

    EmmyB Fapstronaut

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    I think we get used to the idea that orgasm = relaxation. But I've found now I don't do that any more, instead I run or go to the gym and I tire out my whole body and not just that part of me, so I sleep better and have more energy the next day. And like you say, the hunger for more Os and for full on sex is created if you use climax for relaxation.

    You said you're not sure why. FWIW I think it's that orgasm releases dopamine, which gives you this peaceful high. It wears off, leaving you restless and depressed. So you seek another O to get back to where you were. Cut orgasm out of your life and you will be weaned off this drug.
     
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  5. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    It's clear to me to you feel very strongly about letting orgasms alone and of course I agree. It is completely worth it for me to experience my body in different ways and part of that means improving my health and gaining strength. Another part of it is reaching an understanding that my body is more than a sexual being.

    In trying to guide my mind and body toward other healthy modes of expression, I am noticing a lot more awkwardness in my interactions. It's like my sexuality provided so much confidence and comfort and now I don't have that anymore. I'm terribly shy and less engaging with people I find attractive. I can hardly keep eye contact with someone I think is cute.

    Constant sex and orgasm made me a confident person, often recklessly confident but confident nonetheless. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm in a new town and I'm trying to start over from scratch. I'm terrified a lot of the time and can get so damn lonely.

    I'm still searching, though. Searching for that authentic voice buried beneath the history of all those meaningless affairs.

    Breathing in then out...slowing down...and trusting.

    I'm reminded of something EmmyB said about envisioning her future, when she has met the man she will commit to. She said she sees herself apologizing to him for her past.

    I wonder how I'll reconcile with my past... I wonder how I could bear myself to "the one" so that he understands how little I knew about myself and that I gave my all to turn things around.

    I've got to do this for me, though. Not for "the one," whoever he may be.
     
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  6. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    Thank y
    thank you for this thoughtful encouragement. You're absolutely right. A real friend would stand behind the decisions I make to better myself, not try to undermine or manipulate my ideas to satisfy their own aims.
     
  7. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    In order to reach orgasm you have to first be aroused. Arousal, to me, indicates lust for another person whether you love them or not
    You need lust to reach orgasm whether it's with someone you love or not. If you are having sex and brought to orgasm, that requires arousal which indicates a sexual desire, or lust. Even if orgasm wasn't achieved, the fact that you're aroused and engaging physically proves sexual desire on a basic level. Not saying that there isn't higher connection going on, but you need one to have the other.

    I think the issue here may be demonizing lust completely. It is not inherently bad to feel or to satisfy lust. However, when slaking lust begins disturbing life progress and upsetting inner harmony, it's time to curb this particular indulgence.

    For me, personally, I feel that taking a break from orgasm at this life stage is important for my growth. I won't be taking EmmyB's path by completely ruling orgasm out for the rest of my life because I happen to think that orgasms in the right circumstances can be very healthy. I have experienced sex that wasn't orgasm-oriented in the past and this was enjoyable for me as well so I could envision this type of intimacy with a future partner. But I won't deny myself the choice to reach orgasm either.
     
  8. DoGoodStayClean

    DoGoodStayClean Fapstronaut

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    Sex with changing partners is not only physically very dangerous (STDs are much more common and harmful than you might know; STD induced cancer is nowdays the most common cancer for women), it also destroys the self respect.

    You already said that you've shared yourself in the ultimate way with strangers.

    Problem is, there won't be anything precious kept to share with someone special.

    Life is like in the market, the precious goods will not be touched by anyone except the buyer, who will keep it. The cheap goods are indistinguishable, can be touched before buying and are often resold after being used.

    No sex before marriage is not only some honor thing. Having had several partners completely wears off true intimacy, people who do so get more indifferent time after time, while their relationships become more meaningless and shallow.

    It took me years and a marriage to truly understand, even for me as a man where virginity is of other value than for women in western society.
     
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  9. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    I disagree. The problem isn't that I see my self as "cheap" as you say or that I don't think that I have something to offer a partner. I'm a very attractive and intelligent woman and think any man who has the pleasure of sleeping with me has had experienced a precious thing. I am not diminished due to my past and any man who would think that is not a good match for me.

    The issue lies within trusting my self and someone else enough to share this part of me. I am not ashamed. I just am. But I am aware of many men such as you who have been socialized to look down on a woman's sexual agency (aka slut-shaming) and this is the type of experience I'd like to avoid. I have internalized this pathology and it troubles me and causes anxiety when I look to the future sometimes. The guilt comes from an institution of patriarchy and not many men are evolved enough to see women as their sexual equals.
     
  10. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    I disagree.

    I am not diminished or "cheapened" by my sexual past. I'm actually empowered by it.

    The guilt I refer to is an internalized guilt based on an idea that I don't hold as true anyway. This is what causes my anxiety. The knowledge that the men of the world, those who havnt evolved to respect women as their sexual equals, are the ones who exist en masse.

    I'm not normally ashamed of my sexuality but envisioning the future sometimes creeps me out because I know that there are those types out there who think that a woman leaves behind a piece of her soul every time she lays with a man. I've always felt that I've held my soul away from my partners, not given it away. I withheld entry into the deepest realms and kept it at a carnal level in order to protect myself.

    My past can't be helped. I won't beat myself down and give in to the pressure of ideas that don't resonate with my truth anyway. I am still precious and of value. I am not less of a beautiful and complicated human being because I had it off with more than a few men.

    Your comment helps me to see how ridiculous it is for me to nail my self to someone else's cross or for the sake of archaic ideas. This isnt my guilt. It belongs to the patriarchy. Thank you for that.

    My reasons for abstaining from porn, masterbation, and intercourse are not holy. I only want to understand my self in different ways, by challenging myself with alternate intellectual and physical stimuli, things outside the sexual realm. Guilt only impedes on my progress.
     
  11. DoGoodStayClean

    DoGoodStayClean Fapstronaut

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    I disrespect promiscuous men just the same. This has nothing to do with "holy", "archaic" or something like that. By the way, modern does not automatically mean better or more advanced. Besides, todays promiscuity is not based on science or knowledge. It is merely a damaging and dangerous cultural phenomenon of the past decades.

    Also, what about STDs?

    Then, you said yourself that the ultimate sharing was done with strangers.

    Anyway - I did not want to insult you if this was the case.
     
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  12. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    What about STD's? I don't have any. It's called safe sex and regular doctors visits.

    Yes I've had sex with strangers. Ultimate was the wrong word to use. As I said I've rejected this guilt that I see as a remnant of a Christian patriarchal society that demonizes a woman's sexual agency. The truly ultimate manner of sharing oneself is being totally vulnerable. My past has taught me it is possible to have sex without actually being present with the other person. True and complete intimacy would be the ultimate manner of sharing myself. No strings attached sex is mechanical and basic. A brief flame that quickly burns out. Nothing ultimate about it.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2018
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  13. EmmyB

    EmmyB Fapstronaut

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    Sorry but I used to think like this, feminism. That's what took me down the path of chasing Os, meaningless sex with bad guys etc. It's a selfish lifestyle IMO. I'd prefer to focus on what I can give others than what I might get.
     
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  14. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    What you call feminism I call a healthy dose of self-interest. It is sweet that you want to live a selfless life. That's your choice and I support it.

    I refuse, me personally, to endure guilt or sorrow for my past. I refuse to apologize for who I was because I know who I am becoming wouldn't be possible without her.

    My sanity and wholeness depends upon my ability to be in full understanding and reconciliation of my past. I'm not going to look back on the way I lived to judge and talk down at that version of myself. There's no peace left for me if I do.

    Its not feminism telling me that being ashamed of my sexual history is correct or natural. It's indoctrination. At the same time I know that my promiscuity was problematic for a number of reasons. Mainly, I was sick of going through the motions with dudes when deep down I was dying to really know and understand what I want out of life.

    Casual sex bored me and therefore became a dead end. Was I selfish? Maybe. Is being selfish innately immoral? Absolutely not. If it weren't for selfishness the evolution of humanity would not have been possible. I think withholding my sex in this stage in life is in some ways selfish. Turning guys down for dates could be classified as selfish. Putting my health and stability first could be called selfish. And I'm completely okay with that because in this way I am nourishing my self. And when I nourish my self, others benefit. It starts with me.
     
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  15. Target365

    Target365 Fapstronaut

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    Hey @ebbndflow , @EmmyB it's nice to read your views on sexuality. I think you both are right it's just you both want something different in your life. And in the end we are humans and we tend to make mistakes and learn from them so never stop learning from your mistakes when you do. Take care. And sorry for my bad English.
     
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  16. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the thoughtful words :)
     
  17. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    Abstaining from porn has helped a lot. I don't deny myself a touch when I really need physical contact but I haven't watch any porn. I try to keep things in balance. Writing and responding to entries in this forum has brought to the fore of my attention the meaning of balance and acting from a place of truth. Mindfully regarding my self, my body and the bodies of others helps to quiet all the noise that causes me anxiety. I've realized that this anxiety, if left to its own devices, can skillfully back me into a foggy space. The fog is willing ignorance, an unwillingness to really identify with my suffering and attempt to know how to uproot that suffering safely and to own up to what I want.

    I don't place too many rules on my sexuality. I find when I do that I always respond with rebellion. Porns a no go and masterbation out of boredom is out, same for sex out of boredom. Really I'm just waiting for an interesting challenge to charm me or at least try. I'm looking for a soulful connection in addition to someone who is interested in and respects my ideas. Not just someone who is given to intellectual parleying. I don't want to argue, I want to build.

    You can't really plan for the way you'll feel in the future. You can constantly remind yourself of the reasons why you're abstaining, but when does this just become another cage for the mind? I think being able to speak plainly and truthfully will help me navigate through whatever romance is waiting to bloom, because I know something sweet is on its way. Till then I'm trying to master the art of communicating so that intimacy can grow that much stronger.
     
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