rebooting for intimacy journal

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by ebbndflow, Sep 7, 2018.

  1. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    hello,
    I decided to join the forum for some support with meeting certain personal goals of mine.

    Masturbation has often been a means of escape during stressful times in my life when I didn't have a partner around. I'm a 27 year old straight woman with a history of commitment and relationship problems. I've never had a serious long term healthy relationship. Just a slew of sexual partners at a given time during my 6 years of an active sex life.
    My sex drive is high because of constant stimulation through intercourse or masturbation. Often what happens is I grow weary of empty sexual encounters with men and resort to masturbation to satisfy my urges. Then I get bored of masturbation after 3 or 4 good orgasms and wond up watching porn. After a few tries at this I am left utterly dissatisfied and have on occasion sought out alcohol induced casual sex with strangers only to wake up hating myself the next day. I swear off sex for a while until I start feeling cagey at which point the cycle of masturbation begins again.

    What bothers me most is that I don't feel as much pleasure as I have in the past and I think it's due to over-stimulation.

    It's become necessary for me to grow out of these adolescent tendencies. I want to cultivate a healthier sex life where I don't rely on porn or casual sex for fulfillment. Joining this forum is the first step toward a life of directing my desires and manifesting a self-authored purpose that is greater than repeating childish sexual patterns that hamper my emotional and psychological growth.
    My hope is that by not masturbating and watching porn my ability to cope with not being with someone will improve. I feel that meeting this goal will help me to master my sexuality and channel my efforts more staunchly into productive pursuits which will make me a happier person. I am not actively seeking a relationship because I feel I have a certain amount of work to do on myself before I can be available to someone in that way. I'd like for this to change as well especially now that I've moved to a new town and am looking to start over.
    I've never really participated in a forum before so I hope this intro is satisfactory. Thanks for reading.

    9 minutes ago
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  2. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

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    Hello. It is a good place to start your journey, fingers crossed!
     
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  3. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the group and good luck on your journey .
     
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  4. Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I'm awestruck of this comment because it is the apex of self awareness. Relationships require solid secure individuals and most of us (me included) have a hard enough time handling ourselves.

    Congrats on joining the forum. Do the things that make you happy (and porn isn't one of them)!

    Cheers,
    HF
     
  5. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Clearly thought out and well put. My only suggestion is to drop the word 'childish' as it seems too self-critical! Then again, I sometimes see my behaviour as more like that of a monkey. Good luck.
     
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  6. EmmyB

    EmmyB Fapstronaut

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    I'm exactly the same. Uncannily so in fact. Using men as sources of orgasm then masturbating when I get bored. Chasing clitoral stimulation instead of trying to find 'the one' and forming a truly loving spiritual bond leading to marriage and kids.

    My plan is 365 days without orgasm, to get it out of my system. Then dating guys but not rushing into bed. And when I do, only karezza (orgasm-free intercourse), no clitoral stimulation.
     
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  7. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    'Manifesting a self-authored purpose'. I like it. Go for it!
     
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  8. SpiritAnimal

    SpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

    Hi @EmmyB, quick question for you! When I was in my late teens I had never MO'd before in my life, so would easily O from PIV without any clit stim, without trying, just as a natural result of loving sex. Would you also be denying yourself these kinds of orgasm in the future if they were to occur?
     
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  9. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing your experience. Am trying to make it clear to the men in my life that this is a high priority for me for the sake of my mental health and have this far been met with a little verbal pushback. Oddly enough, though, I have been able to get closer to one former partner of mine in the course of just 2 days because of my insistence on adhering to what I call my "diet." This is definitely encouraging.

    Very interested in your mention of karezza and non-orgasm intercourse. I have read about this in the past and now would be a good time to get familiar with it again.

    Good luck with your 365 day fast!
     
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  10. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    Upon reflection, the word childish isn't really a fair or accurate word. I tried to convey my dislike for the quality of not feeling in control of my own impulses.

    It is funny that you have picked up on a self critical tone. I am very hard on myself for a slew of reasons. I'm trying to simply be more honest with myself as opposed to beating myself down and the distinction is important to keep in mind.
     
  11. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    Thank you!
     
  12. Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I can be too, but I find I advance the best when I treat myself like I'm my own best friend. I expect the best and I'm willing to forgive if I fall short. IMHO - the battle is fought between the ears. Change your thoughts and you will change your life.

    A true friend supports - a person will a narrow view will try to assert their beliefs. Stay true to your cause... Calm mind - quiet heart, meaningful endurance and a firm, flexible self.

    Good luck / keep posting.
    HF
     
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  13. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Sounds about right to me.
    You're not alone.
     
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  14. EmmyB

    EmmyB Fapstronaut

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    Yes! Definitely! My aim is never again to orgasm, as long as I live.

    Why? Because it's addictive, the dopamine hit screws up my emotions and emotional connections, leads me to get hooked on guys that ring my bell rather than connect with my soul. I want deep karezza sex with a lifetime partner, not cheap kicks.
     
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  15. SpiritAnimal

    SpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

    Ahh ok. See I've only ever been able to O with partners that I have a deep soul connection with - that is a requirement for me. And there is absolutely nothing 'cheap' about it.
     
  16. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Never say never? I just want to get some perspective after so many years of chasing sexual fulfilment. Who knows where it will lead. But I also understand that the big, epic, beautiful stuff that has been created by humankind was done whilst we weren't chasing sex...
     
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  17. SpiritAnimal

    SpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

    Orgasms that come from love are nourishing and sustaining.

    Its like food. You can put processed fast food junk into your body or you can eat clean hearty homecooked meals. It's all food, but one's gonna make you feel like crap and the other will build you up.

    There are good and bad ways of doing pretty much everything in life. Just because something can be abused or used the wrong way doesn't make it inherently bad.
     
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  18. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Valid point. For me, I need to get a new perspective though, so think I have to take time off. NOT easy so far.
    I also want to be able to say 'I can control myself. I have mastered my desires and now choose how to engage with them.'
     
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  19. EmmyB

    EmmyB Fapstronaut

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    Love comes from a spiritual connection and the main hormone that conveys it is serotonin. Orgasm comes from lust and the main hormone is dopamine. Dopamine is powerful whereas serotonin is subtle. Flood your body with dopamine and you'll desensitise yourself to serotonin.
     
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  20. SpiritAnimal

    SpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

    They can all be intertwined. I'm sorry if you haven't experienced it but I promise you, they can. Love and orgasm can be linked and lust doesn't have to have anything to do with it.
     
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