1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Reasonable Requests/Boundaries/Consequences

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by TooMuchTooSoon, Jan 13, 2017.

  1. Hi All,

    The last day or two I've been thinking about how to move forward in this journey, dealing with relapses, protecting myself while supporting my partner, etc.

    The biggest question for me is how and where to set boundaries. What is reasonable to request and if not met, what are the potential and progressive consequences that would give incentive rather than over stress the addict? I believe ultimatums are for when you are so completely done that you're ready to walk out that door and mean it. Short of that what can I do?

    To start I plan on going over the action plan/strategy together this weekend but I feel like I need to know the above so I can make it clear up front what my expectations are and the consequences of not meeting them. I won't be a doormat. I know this is incredibly hard to quit but it's also hard and painful for me to endure.

    Any advice or suggestions on reasonable lines to draw and requests to make as well as what to do if they're not fulfilled?

    Thanks Much!
     
    Trigirl78 likes this.
  2. LadyDefiant

    LadyDefiant Fapstronaut

    45
    118
    33
    While only you can decide what you need to help you on this path, here are few of the boundaries I have set up in my relationship for the next 30-90 days.
    1) I initiate touch. This was a big deal for me, we spent 4 days w/ no contact until I was ready to hold a hand.
    2) He follows through with his Hard Mode for 30 days. Because I'm considering divorce this is a boundary for me. If he's unwilling or unable to complete 30 and eventually 90 days this says to me that there are more serious issues here. I'm not ready or willing to deal with this because it will hinder my own recovery.
    3) If there is a relapse, 1 relapse, we go to therapy, as individuals and as a couple.
    4) We talk daily using the FANOS model.
    5) We both make strides towards becoming individuals again and start dealing with our issues of co-dependency.

    I hope these help you start to figure out what sort of boundaries you should set up. Remember that these are for your benefit and safety and shouldn't be used as means to control his behavior.
     
    brrt814 and TooMuchTooSoon like this.
  3. Thanks @LadyDefiant. I know each person's situation is different so the boundaries and expectations will be too. I am so sorry you're going through this and that it's at the point of possible divorce. I can't imagine how difficult that must be.

    I think you have set up a great system for yourself and your husband. In my situation we are not married, nor do we live together which means different plans and strategies I'm sure. We are going to be talking about it again this weekend and I intend to make a plan together to cover all this. I'm sure it will evolve. We are both in therapy so I could request he address it with his therapist as I will mine. Attending CoDA meetings will also be huge in helping me grow stronger which I can then apply toward attaining a healthier relationship without addiction and/or codependency.

    I think my expectations are pretty reasonable: honesty/transparency, safeguarding against porn and avoiding triggers and rituals, etc. while setting up strategies to redirect if urges arise. It's what happens if these aren't met and relapses occur, etc. that I struggle with. Perhaps next relapse = having to go hard mode, thus revoking my offer to 'help out' when needed? What consequences can I set that won't just encourage him to hide any regression?

    I will also ask him to read certain articles and posts here plus watch some videos. I want to focus on a few that I think will be the most beneficial. Information on the addiction, tips to overcome it, success stories, likely problems that arise/derail and a few posts from the SO's so he can see how it makes us feel - my feelings, although important, are just one person's. If he could see how it makes so many women feel, maybe that would help with empathy which seems to be a big factor toward recovery.

    I would love to hear from the PMO addict's side here too. What expectations/ consequences worked for them and their relationships? What struck the right chord between lighting a fire under them without overdemanding and setting them up to fail or start being dishonest?

    I'm also going to look into some books on addiction to better understand and maybe find some structured steps to implement in an effort toward true recovery.

    Good luck in your journey! I hope all turns out for the best.
     
  4. Michele102779

    Michele102779 Fapstronaut

    5
    4
    3
    What is the FANOS model?
     
  5. ILoathePorn

    ILoathePorn Distinguished Fapstronaut

    845
    1,254
    123
    There is a link in my signature that will explain FANOS. It is an awesome tool.
     
  6. LadyDefiant

    LadyDefiant Fapstronaut

    45
    118
    33
    I've been thinking about this idea of consequences for awhile and in the course of my own reading and search for understanding I've come to this conclusion. Just as only you can set the boundaries necessary for your health/safety and your relationship, so must you determine the consequences. My advice would be to consider the following: are you setting consequences in an effort to control his behavior, are the consequences in your best interest.
    In setting the boundaries and consequences for our situation, I made myself a priority and took a stand on what I will/will not tolerate and what it is I need to do to prepare myself for the possibility of following through with the consequences I've set up. I've also learned that consequences can be fluid and that's ok. We both know what the consequences are and if the time should come where they are to be enacted I can reassess based on the information how I would like to proceed.
    Hope this helps.
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  7. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,015
    3,319
    143
    Requests
    The book 'The Porn Trap' lists 6 action steps.
    1. Tell someone about your problem.
    2. Get involved in a treatment program. (Therapist, recoverynation.com, NoFap)
    3. Create a porn-free environment. (Clear out any physical porn, clean out the mind, block access if necessary)
    4. Establish a support and accountability system. (Get an accountability partner)
    5. Care for yourself physically and emotionally. (See a doctor about stress, anxiety, or depression. Sleep. Exercise.)
    6. Start healing sexuality. (Possible abstinence. Reconnect with SO. Be emotionally present. Be vulnerable.)
    Other requests: be honest, improve communication, engage in courtship, be remorseful, and set goals.
    List when you want him to tell you about a relapse, reset, or slip. Give him a time frame in which he should disclose.

    Boundaries
    Absolutely no PMO. Although not healthy, establish if MO is permissible. Close all loopholes.
    No lying. Trust cannot be reestablished with someone who is deceitful and lies.
    No blaming. The addict must take primary responsibility for their recovery. Any failures are the addict's fault.
    Be transparent. Secretive behavior should not be tolerated.
    Be truthful. Honesty with oneself and an SO is important for healing. Being honest, even if it hurts the SO, is preferable to silence.
    Allow access to devices. Some SO's need this step to feel more safe and secure.
    Communicate when feeling weak, tempted, or triggered.

    Consequences
    Healing the relationship involves rebuilding the foundation through courtship-like action. Consequences involve the unraveling of the relationship.
    Withdraw physical things - sex, cuddling, hugs, touch, holding hands. Move to a different room, make him move to another room, or move out.
    Withdraw financially - get a job, save money, separate bank account, look for an apartment, contact a lawyer.
    Withdraw emotionally - seek emotional support from somewhere else, make friends and cultivate other relationships
    Reveal that you have an escape plan if his behavior continues.

    Many of these things may feel like you are leaving the addict behind. The addict may feel that he is being abandoned and act out even more. Resort to these things only if showing love, patience, and understanding does not work. An addict may respond to fear of losing more than he already has. A person who is trying and failing deserves some leeway compared to a non-motivated addict. Make clear that the consequence is not to punish but an attempt to motivate and save the person. Give him an incentive to give up his old ways. Time is needed to unravel all the destructive thinking in the addict's mind but if no action is being taken then it's time to increase the severity of the consequences. Addicts may try to call an SO's bluff so be fully ready to implement the consequence. Differentiate between the person and the behavior... it's possible to still love the person and hate the conduct.
     
    Wife2005, Kenzi, fuzzywaz and 4 others like this.
  8. As always, thank you @i_wanna_get_better1 :) Your thorough responses always reflect a level of thoughtfulness that helps raise my faith in humanity and men and NoFap. Also, to everyone, I am sorry if I repeat myself in threads. It helps me process sometimes and I can't remember what I included in each thread so it comes out like word vomit. Awesome.

    It's another long one folks! Sorry!

    To address the steps above,

    1. Tell someone about your problem. He told me, no one else I am aware of

    2. Get involved in a treatment program. (Therapist, recoverynation.com, NoFap) He is seeing a therapist. I am sending him an article from YBOP on "Educating Your Therapist." He does not want to join here though he's happy I'm so involved

    3. Create a porn-free environment. (Clear out any physical porn, clean out the mind, block access if necessary) He doesn't subscribe to any questionable reddit subs so he just has to avoid r/all and/or put it on NSFW mode which I need to follow up on him about. He is on Facebook a lot, and Instagram too - both of which concern me. I have seen his feeds on both and didn't see anything too alarming...so far. He doesn't want to put up any blockers because he knows he can just get past them which will make him feel worse. I believe all his porn is streaming so all he has to do is go to a website. As for his mind, I wish I knew what to say so he realized all that fantasy/objectification/etc. is NOT NORMAL and he needs to work on eliminating it from his brain. I even told him if he couldn't get into sex with me without fantasizing about others or porn, we should not be together.

    4. Establish a support and accountability system. (Get an accountability partner) I think I'm it, though I can't be an AP because I know I can't handle all the details, and I haven't been where he is

    5. Care for yourself physically and emotionally. (See a doctor about stress, anxiety, or depression. Sleep. Exercise.) He is trying to do this. He's already on meds for depression - what he blamed the PIED on initially - and is going to focus on exercise and sleep.

    6. Start healing sexuality. (Possible abstinence. Reconnect with SO. Be emotionally present. Be vulnerable.) I am hoping this will happen as he progresses. I am just so scared his methods aren't enough. I don't want to tell him so, but wait and see. If it does fail and continue to fail, then I will demand more extreme steps or I'm out. I won't live my life this way, forever wondering and resenting, all the while deteriorating my trust in men and love.

    Because we don't live together or share finances, all I can withdraw is sex/kissing/cuddling but I worry that will only cause him to relapse more. I am really hoping quitting PMO will make him more affectionate too. He's very hot and cold on that, particularly in public. PDA, hand holding, even hugging to a certain extent.

    I am going out of town for work in a few weeks and he's really worried about that time period. So am I. But if he can't go without sex or PMO for 9 days (how long I'll be gone), that will be really sad. If he keeps relapsing and doesn't call me beforehand I am thinking of withdrawing my offer to have sex whenever needed (outside work hours, etc.) to "help him out." Why should I make the offer if he's refusing to use it most of the time? One day he called. Three days he didn't. I know it's not that simple but it still feels like further rejection of me. We're early enough in the relationship that the newness/excitement probably keeps him wanting me for now. If we had been together longer, or in the future I think I'd be getting turned down for porn like I hear so many people have and I was myself, in a previous relationship.

    He agreed to tell me when he slips up - I do need to give a time limit though. I'm thinking 24 hours. Is that reasonable? I told him that each relapse/slip will chip away at me a little whereas him telling me well after the fact or me having to ask will break me a bit and if I have to find/figure it out on my own, I'll be shattered. I told him as long as he's really trying I am here for him. But that too many chips can eventually erode the relationship just as surely as a break or full-on shatter.

    One of my biggest concerns is that he doesn't seem to understand why I'm so upset - aka what the big deal is to me personally since it's not about me as I've even acknowledged. I told him I have yet to find one instance where this addiction hasn't affected the partner deeply, rocking them to the core in their relationship, and often is seen as cheating which he disagrees with. I have had trouble articulating my own feelings but think I am starting to get it down so I can better explain to him:

    You are seeking sexual gratification outside of our relationship in a way that directly impacts our relationship both emotionally and sexually. Finishing by yourself means you're not going to be able to finish, perhaps not even get going or stay going with me. That makes me feel terrible. It damages our intimacy when you continuously turn to pixels and your hand instead of me for sexual release - a medium no one can compete with. It hurts me because it makes me feel like I'm coming in a distant second to fantasy. You say you would choose me over porn 1,000 times over. Every time you resist PMO, you prove that. Each time you falter, you don't.

    I'm also going to send him links to a few articles (see at the bottom) which really spoke to me about what it feels like, in addition to some from Fight the New Drug which delve into how it affects love and relationships. Maybe these 3rd party perspectives will help him understand.

    Another concern is he confided in me how difficult it was for him to not look around, especially at other women, while we were out in public. I told him that a lot of people who give up PMO find themselves objectifying women less which translates into not staring/leering at them too. I also said that I appreciated him making the effort - which I do - but inside I was screaming "why should I want to be with someone who has to fight so hard to be present and give me his undivided attention? who wants to ogle every chance he gets?! who doesn't seem to consider me enough and is always looking at/for others?!?! who is okay with treating women that way??!?!"

    Perhaps I should tell him just how much anxiety I suffer whenever we go out in public because I fear that very thing. I find myself looking at everyone myself to see if there's any women I need to actively worry about. I find myself resenting them which I know isn't fair and I don't want to do it. I'm sure some of the looking/ogling is due to the novelty aspect of porn, plus the whole objectification thing. But it's come down to me being reluctant to go out in public with him, especially the beach or pools or pretty much anywhere in warm weather. Here in Southern California it's pretty hard to avoid seeing skimpy clothing. I don't even want to introduce him to family or friends because some of them are attractive women. That's no way to live or have a good relationship.

    He has also agreed to remove a symbol/ritual PMO item for my peace of mind. When I made the request, he admitted his knee jerk reaction was negative and that he didn't want/have to, but then he realized how important it was to me. I reminded him that it had served as a trigger so bad I couldn't even sleep in his bedroom with him and slept on the couch that night instead. I hadn't told him the problem at the time - he was already asleep - but did the next day at which time he moved it further away from his bed and computer. Next time I visit his house I will verify that it is gone... or not. If he hasn't gotten rid of it I don't know what I'll do because it was such a simple request and he knows how much I've been affected by it. I wonder if that, of all things, could be my "last straw" moment. Because either he forgot to remove it which means he isn't considering my feelings important or he decided not to which is disrespectful to me and our agreement.

    Even with all this, it's not all bad. I think I'm feeling low today. Because he has said some wonderful things about me and our relationship and how happy he is. How this is what he's been looking for but never had. How he always wanted to give up porn and have a relationship like ours, hoping he wouldn't need it anymore and would be able to get rid of it forever. He seems to want to change. It's just all overshadowed by the porn and objectification issues and what I now know. It taints everything. I want to draw him close and smother him with cuddling and sex while I also find myself recoiling from his touch and can't look at his hands or in his eyes, knowing where they've been, what they've seen, what they've done. I know that's normal but it's still confusing as hell.

    I think I will start a journal on here for myself. I'm on here every day MANY times per day anyway :). So I might as well start keeping track of how I'm feeling and how we're doing though I wish he was doing it as well.

    Here are the links I'm sending. I don't want to overwhelm him but I do want him to know how I'm feeling and what this is doing to us, as well as possibly setbacks like chasers. Any you would DEFINITELY recommend adding or removing? He's already seen the Great Porn Experiment and even followed NoFap on Reddit for awhile. I even sent him that recent article about pornography addiction from a neuroscience perspective - all about hypofrontal syndromes and the brain's "braking system" being damaged. I don't know if he read it yet. But here's what else is coming his way:

    http://drgrantmullen.com/q-a-forums/how-does-pornography-affect-wives/

    http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2...n-affect-intimate-relationships-part-one-men/

    http://yourbrainonporn.com/what-chaser

    http://yourbrainonporn.com/do-you-need-a-chaser-after-sex

    http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/educating-your-therapist

    http://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-can-hurt-your-partner/

    http://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-kills-love/

    http://yourbrainonporn.com/why-doesnt-moderation-work-with-porn-use


    http://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-damages-your-sex-life/
     
    KevinesKay, fuzzywaz and brrt814 like this.
  9. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,015
    3,319
    143
    In reading your response I sense that you are worried about two things the most. 1 - he isn't doing enough. 2 - you're worried if you implement a consequence then it is going to drive him deeper into into his addiction.

    There are several methods that are proven to not work; the I-Can-Do-It-On-My-Own-Without-Anyone's-Help method, the I-Want-To-Try-It-My-Way-First method, and the I-Want-To-Do-Just-Enough method are some examples. Many men have to try and fail before they humble themselves to get educated about what actually works. It's a process that addicts must go through. Unfortunately, you might not have the patience, forgiveness, or stamina to hang around while he figures it out. I understand that this is a frustrating and helpless feeling for you to watch.

    You are also worried about following through on consequences and risk giving him additional reasons to return to is addiction. An emotionally immature person will always conjure excuses or reasons to return to PMO. Addicts are infantile in their emotional development and will try to throw temper tantrums like a child when forced to change. The addict needs to mature and come to understand that it is not beneficial to keep acting like this. The addict might feel relief after he acts out but is never happy. He has to choose to behave like an adult. Again, I understand that this is a frustrating and helpless feeling, and you have absolutely no control over him.

    You can only live your life and you can only decide what you are willing to tolerate. Establishing boundaries gives you a measure of control and restores a balance of power. The addict needs to see how much better life can be once he gives up the addiction. It's a combination of carrot and stick approach. How much carrot you offer and how much stick you use is unique to your situation.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2017
  10. You're so right. I know you are. I think I have to sit back and hope he succeeds his way while preparing for failure (after failure). You can't force anyone to see what they're not ready or willing to see. It's so frustrating because he has seen the positive difference that comes from quitting. He knows the correlation from quitting and seeing VAST improvement to then relapsing and watching that improvement vanish or fade. I dont know if his awareness/ acknowledgment of likely slip ups is positive because it can/does happen and the key is to keep getting back on the horse OR if he's giving himself an easy out, an excuse to fail.

    So, I will address any relapses or slip ups with support and encouragement but also firmness. Consequences must get progressively worse. Otherwise I'm just enabling the addiction and making myself miserable while he gets the best of both worlds - preserving his addiction with a supportive girlfriend at his side. I will keep telling myself that. If his methods don't work he must realize that he's not doing enough to truly quit, even if it means I have to leave for him to see that. This Addiction = selfishness and neglect of me and our relationship. I can only take so much.

    I hate the thought that my leaving could be the rock bottom moment he needs. I just mentioned in a private conversation that I've had several relationships with people who were full of potential that didn't realize said potential until after we broke up. I'm tired of being the catalyst for change. Just once I'd like to see the benefit while still in the relationship.

    Maybe that's the codependency, which I'm working on and will continue to work on my whole life I'm sure. I even told him he might not like some of my progress/ improvement since it will likely mean a lower tolerance for mistreatment/ BS/etc. He said he was just happy I would be healthier mentally and emotionally. We shall see if he still feels that way once lines start getting drawn in the sand.

    Thanks Again @i_wanna_get_better1
     
    brrt814 likes this.
  11. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

    1,031
    1,794
    143
    Aside from going to therapy it sounds like he is being super lazy with his recovery.

    All the questioning, researching, soul searching that you are doing... That's what he sound be doing. You shouldnt have to hold his hand. He should be leading the charge.

    He wont even join NoFap?... Thats lame. Let me guess he is a "private person, or too embarrased"

    I don't see this ending well. Hopefully Im wrong. It sounds like you are doing all you can and then some.
     
  12. Thanks @noexcuses. I don't disagree with anything you said. I am willing to let him try it his way for a month or two and re-evaluate. If progress is little to none, my expectations will increase exponentially. So far I have found the most effective method to influence/inspire change is stating my piece, letting him ponder it, then he is ultimately the one who decides to do something about it. Each time he has. If that process no longer works, then the consequences will have to be much bigger.

    I know that I've gained strength from seeing the great progress so many of you are making with dedicated commitment to NoFap and other methods. If he can't quit his way and is unwilling to put in the kind of effort I see working every day on here (and even then it's sometimes not enough), then I will leave. I refuse to be the only one trying here.

    We actually had a great evening last night. He had removed the ritual item as I requested and has had an amazingly productive few days. He loves the extra energy and motivation and I'm reinforcing the happy girlfriend/ relationship side of things whenever applicable. I'm hoping the stark contrast in his mood and mine will be another aid in propelling him along in this journey as successfully as possible.

    We had previously talked about taking a trip to an adult store (before the porn issue came up) and I asked about it last night. He told me he really didn't need to as he's happy with more vanilla stuff now. I'm taking that as a positive sign too. He also expressed concern about being selfish which he doesn't want to be. Before trying to quit he'd never said anything like that. So my fingers are crossed while still bracing for potential destruction.

    Thank you again for your input. I really value the insights into this addiction from your side as well as experience in dealing with it within a relationship. Just like you all have to do, I'm taking it one day at a time. I will continue updating and wish you all the very best down this difficult but rewarding path! You are an inspiration and a source of hope!!!
     
    noexcuses, joarev85, brrt814 and 2 others like this.
  13. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

    1,031
    1,794
    143
    Glad things are going well. I think you have a great attitude about how to deal with his addiction. Hopefully he realizes how lucky he is.
     
    LizzyBlanca and TooMuchTooSoon like this.
  14. @noexcuses I may just screenshot this comment and show it to him to make sure he does realize how lucky he is. :)

    In all seriousness, though, he has said some very positive things about my approach to the issue. I think he appreciates it and me. Time will tell how much I guess.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  15. curious too...
     
  16. LadyDefiant

    LadyDefiant Fapstronaut

    45
    118
    33
    So it's been awhile since I've posted but I wanted to comment on this topic because I understand how important it can be as an SO to set boundaries/consequences. And I stand by what I said above but I'd like to shed some light on what that has looked like in my relationship in the last 3 months.
    Boundary 1 was attend SAA meetings 1/wk for at least a month. My husband has gone beyond that he goes every week, except last week when he forgot. Which in all honesty scared me for a sec until I realized he's only human and it happens.
    Boundary 2 dealt w/ touch. He respected my boundaries until I was ready for any kind of touch and as a result we've grown closer and have better intimacy than ever.
    Boundary 3 dealt w/ relapse because it was such a scary concept at the very beginning. It did eventually happen, we talked, he took steps to deal with what happened, the how and why of it all. I'd originally said that if 1 relapse happened we'd both seek individual counseling but it didn't seem necessary after making progress for 1 month. I was hurt by this as you can read in another post but I was in a much better position to deal than I had been a month before. Therapy didn't seem the logical next step and he agreed because he was able to control himself before things went to far in his relapse. Because consequences can be fluid.
    The ultimate consequence in our marriage was divorce, which I was 100% for in January. It's mid-March now and we've both kept up with our individual paths towards independence not co-dependence and becoming all around better people to one another and ourselves, and divorce is not even thought these days.
    I want to leave w/ this. I don't know if any one of these boundaries/consequences are what did it but what I do know is that the best way to see change is to focus on yourself. The boundaries/consequences I set were for my safety and health, not as punishment for his addiction. I let go of whatever control I'd held onto for 8 years regarding his actions/behaviors and spent all that effort on me. And now I know that no matter what happens w/ my husband, I will be ok. As in, I will survive and thrive if he relapses again, that I will be prepared if divorce should become necessary. The best part though is that he sees all of this happening because of the work I'm doing. And it's pretty contagious, seeing someone you love thrive. He does the same for me, when I see him work through things that he's previously ignored, I become so proud and encouraged to step up my game. I hope this helps, stay strong all!
     
  17. Yes, we must keep ourselves safe, physically, emotionally/psychologically, financially, and spiritually. Boundaries are for me.

    Yes. I am going to have a great life. He can make good choices and have a great life with me (I gave him that gift - not everyone would). I hope he values this precious gift. Yet, if he makes makes bad choices (not working on this huge issue and understanding the impacts on me and what I lost, not working at the marriage, just falling back into old habits), well, then, I know I deserve more and I will not let him drag me down again.

    I'm doing work, too. Really hard work.

    I need to see some empathy and more ownership for his behaviors during our marriage. It would be great to see some gratitude that I didn't just leave him. I set myself aside to help him heal medically and psychologically, and really, put myself at great risk to help him.

    He had many huge stressors (cancer, high career stress, severe sleep deprivation) which contributed to him seeking an outlet. I have empathy for his past struggles. Yet, it's a choice to "use." It's what addicts do. Some choose heroin. Others choose alcohol. Others choose gambling. Others choose sex addiction. It's still a choice, then it becomes and addiction/compulsion.

    As long as I see good choices, and see tangible progress on this issue, I'll be here. That shows me he is working on himself and valuing our marriage. If not, then I can have a great life w/o him. Those are my boundaries.
     
  18. WhoIsThisPerson

    WhoIsThisPerson Fapstronaut

    55
    59
    18
    [QUOTE/] I want to leave w/ this. I don't know if any one of these boundaries/consequences are what did it but what I do know is that the best way to see change is to focus on yourself. The boundaries/consequences I set were for my safety and health, not as punishment for his addiction. I let go of whatever control I'd held onto for 8 years regarding his actions/behaviors and spent all that effort on me. And now I know that no matter what happens w/ my husband, I will be ok. As in, I will survive and thrive if he relapses again, that I will be prepared if divorce should become necessary. The best part though is that he sees all of this happening because of the work I'm doing. And it's pretty contagious, seeing someone you love thrive. He does the same for me, when I see him work through things that he's previously ignored, I become so proud and encouraged to step up my game. I hope this helps, stay strong all![/QUOTE]

    THIS. Thank you for sharing your boundaries and suggestions-- I am working on my own and will definitely keep these in mind. I love the idea of this being "contagious." Right now I worry if my SO is doing enough, and my hope is by working on myself, he will be inspired to do the same. He is on the right track I believe, but more clarity and "goals" are needed for us as a couple. The idea that we can grow as individuals and in the process grow closer together is a very important one for not losing hope as a couple.
     
    LizzyBlanca likes this.
  19. 12years2kids

    12years2kids Fapstronaut

    15
    21
    3
    I need to print this off for my husband I'm book marking this thankbyou.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.

Share This Page