Realization of a problem ruining my life

I’m sitting here in a bed in a foreign country right now truly coming to terms with the problem I have with porn addiction. I’ve known it was a problem but quite frankly my confirmation bias has been making myself believe it’s not a big deal. It is.

Some background info:
I’m only 21, been masturbating to porn since I was 13/14. Starting using it daily or multiple times a day maybe two or three years ago. In the past year I’ve began to experience ED problems with women. I’ve slept with well over a dozen different women at this point (not sure if that’s a lot for my age or not but whatever) and in the past four women (over the course of the last six months) I’ve had problems with ED. Starting with not being able to maintain my erection to now not even able to get one at all. It’s embarassing, and I just tell the women it’s because I’m nervous or whatever else I can make up. I’m not nervous at all I’m quite comfortable. My dick just doesn’t work.

The reason I’m coming to this realization at this moment is that two nights ago I went home with a woman who I met in a dance club. She was beautiful, I mean amazingly beautiful, and she really fancied me as well. I was unable to obtain an erection for longer than two minutes. Mind you that by the time we had made it to the sex she had already given me a full body massage in the bathtub and everything, things were not awkward, it was quite romantic actually. I just blamed it on being drunk. She was upset but she understood.

I went home the next morning and later in the day I took a nap. During this nap I dreamed about PORN, not sex but porn. Specifically an extreme genre of porn. (The terms of the forum say I can’t state a specific genre) but something very much abstracted from actual sex. I’ve been addicted to watching this abstract porn for a few months and it’s almost desensitized me from regular porn let alone real sex. This wet dream made me feel like shit. I’ve never had a wet dream besides once when I was 14. 12 hours ago I couldn’t get my dick hard with a beautiful and funny woman massaging me in an expensive hotel but now I take a nap and bust a nut without even touching myself just because I dreamt of this hardcore porn.


I feel like I was given a sign. I don’t think ED is the only thing this has affected. It seems pretty extreme. Over the past year I’ve lost 12 pounds to the point where my BMI is 16.2 (medically underweight), became increasingly antisocial, quit several different jobs due to inability to interact with other people, and become terribly anxious about life in general. I’m falling apart at 21. I know this may sound dramatic but after the events of the last few days I feel like I’ve had a revelation. I need to fix my problem.

I’ve done some research in the past few months as I knew it was a problem (although I wasn’t motivated to take action) and it is my understanding that the reward system in my brain has shifted its reference point to such a detached and abstract point that real life is inadequate. I’ve also learned in my psych and consumer behavior (consuming is consuming) classes in school that psychological reference points can be shifted in either direction. The issue with shifting downward is that your brain sees “losses” or “decreases” more intensely than gains. And that’s why addiction happens. Because we always want more more more and taking it away hurts like shit.

I’m determined to fix this issue and quit watching porn entirely. I will try to not masturbafe entirely but maybe a maximum allowance of once a week (with no visual or audio aid).

If I don’t get replies on this I won’t be upset, I’m mostly posting this for me. I’m gonna return to this post and reply with my progress and how I’m feeling over time.