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Reaching out to fellow men who have been sexually abused

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by RecoveringLion, Feb 18, 2018.

  1. Brain-Police

    Brain-Police Fapstronaut

    @az0rahai I'm glad you shared your story. That's rough, at least it's finally off of your chest. It doesn't make the pain entirely go away, but it relieves it just enough to make you handle it another day. No one should have to go through that.

    By the way, welcome to NoFap. Whether you had any support on speaking out about your abuse at home, you have our support here.
     
  2. What a horrific experience to have thrust upon you. So many of us are confused sexually because of things that happen to us as children. I hope you can work your way to the core of yourself and be happy. In your core you are beloved, known by God who holds you in his hand and will bring you to his light. The you that will see eternal happiness is there waiting for you to come home. Mean time your cross and your wounds bring you to it, eventually. Good luck. Be good to yourself.
     
  3. az0rahai

    az0rahai New Fapstronaut

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    Moon Shot, Brain-Police and u376 like this.
  4. Brain-Police

    Brain-Police Fapstronaut

    It's been a while gentlemen since I've been on here, but I hope you're all doing well
     
    CowardlyLion likes this.
  5. Dead inside

    Dead inside Fapstronaut

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    My story is milder than some I'm sure. When I was 6, my teenage uncle was alone with my brother and I often. He took this opportunity to get me alone and separated from my brother in the bathroom or after everyone had gone to bed. He would make me touch and put lotion on his penis and jerk off in front of me if I didn't do it for him. He made me undress and made fun of how small I was. He forced me to try to get an erection, which was something that happened occasionally but I didn't understand. I knew naked women cause this but I failed and he belittled me further. He made me feel shame for being attracted to women. He would do things like this repeatedly, a lot of which I have suppressed and I'm not sure if I'll ever fully remember. One particularly vivid memory involves him penetrating me, then claiming he didn't right after ( I believe out of shame). I developed a porn habit pretty early (around 11) and it grew over time. I was mildly emotionally abused by my step dad and my dad has had similar issues his whole life, which resulted in affairs and even an accidental pregnancy and child with his mistress. I was a late bloomer and constantly rejected in school. I had very few friends and always felt different. I realize now I thought I was nothing but a powerless, worthless, object who should be ashamed of his sexual desires. So I hid my porn habits and rarely spoke of them, as I grew up in a religious household. When I was 17, I got a smart phone and that only made it worse. It escalated to an anal fixation but never passed that phase. Why this happened is obvious to me. After high school I did drugs and drank most days of the week and got in trouble with the law. I met a beautiful girl who made me want to be a better person, but I never was able to fully enjoy sex with her. I enjoyed it and I loved her but I never had the heart to tell her. And it's almost like when you're in the addiction you're in such denial that you don't even realize it's happening. We were together for four years. I told her everything I could think of over the course of the past year, and I've been in therapy for a long time. She forgave me because she knows that I'm a victim, but it was hard to tell her that porn was my satisfaction the whole time and not her. I'm deeply ashamed of the videos in my head of women not even half as beautiful as she is. I don't want to know these peoples' faces and names but I do. She doesn't fully understand and probably never will. I'm going to a sex addiction center soon, because I've lost everything and I owe it her and to myself to be a better person. She's gone now, and I've left her with a lot of pain. Wish me luck guys, hope my story helps you.
     
    FallAway, Nugget9 and Trappist like this.
  6. I’ve heard good things from those
    that have gone to sex addiction centers.
    Glad you found you way there.

    I’m finding help in SAA.
    Some very similar things in your story to mine.

    The great thing is that you are dealing with it now.
    The therapy you are in sounds helpful.

    I’m finding the digging
    hard slogging,
    But worth it.
     
  7. Mezach

    Mezach Fapstronaut

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    I'm reading this thread with tears in my eyes.

    You guys suffered through horrible rape and abuse which should not be a part of anyone's life. I wish you all to find peace and I hope you continue to share; with your spouses, therapist and families.
     
  8. MikeDownUnder

    MikeDownUnder Fapstronaut

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    I was abused as well when I was young, by my neighbor, who use to look after me while my brother and sister are in school. He was in college but I can’t remember the details, I only remember bits and pieces of it. Only told one of my best friend when I got married. Haven’t told my spouse as I don’t want to burden her. I am not sure if I should.
     
  9. Dead inside

    Dead inside Fapstronaut

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    If you're on here then you have/had a problem with pornography. If your wife doesn't already know then she should. And maybe exploring the abuse with a therapist first might help you decide what factor it played in your habit and help your spouse better understand the psychology behind your usage. The most important thing is to not be alone. I'm sure your wife has burdened you from time to time in the past. This is your life and it's important to at least address it in therapy.
     
    MikeDownUnder likes this.
  10. MikeDownUnder

    MikeDownUnder Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reply. I think I have been deciding when to tell her for the past 5-6 years. I am a coward, don’t want to deal with whatever happens if I tell her about it. I always thought we should be man enough to handle our problems and not involve her on it. We should avoid giving problems or maybe I should tell her now to avoid a bigger problem. Maybe you are right, I need a therapist. Don’t they charge a lot? Anyway I guess this forum is like my free therapy.
     
    Dead inside likes this.
  11. Dead inside

    Dead inside Fapstronaut

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    Whatever they charge is worth your future and being able to fully love your wife. If you love her, she deserves your honestly whether it's a "burden" or not. This is a real thing that many good people deal with. If you keep your problem hidden it grows, it's that simple. It loses its power with forgiveness and compassion. If your wife cannot offer you this and that is what you fear, then that is what happens and I'm very sorry. But you can walk away an honest person. The most important thing for you to do is tell her, otherwise you'll be suffocated by the expectation she has that you don't have to go through this, because she doesn't know that you do!
     
    MikeDownUnder likes this.
  12. Dogmana

    Dogmana Fapstronaut

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    I also am a survivor of childhood abuse. I am in therapy now just in time to save my marriage. Complex PTSD. I had no memories of childhood or abuses and had lots of missing time I can't remember. It made me think my wife and everyone else were crazy trying to set me up or con me. Therapy helps find the missing pieces and make the world 1 picture.
    From 1 to 6 years old I was taught to orally pleasure women and was rented out for my moms drug addiction. Sometime in those years my grandfather coxed me into playing with his penis and kissing it. He said being able to do that without crying makes you a man.
    At age 8 my father died and my mother brought me to her bed. To be my dad. I thought I was doing a good job for a few years untill she met my stepdad. Turns out I wasnt as skilled as I had thought.
    From 11 to 14 we lived in cars or motel rooms where I would have to listen to them have sex every night. Most of it was crazy trama reenactments. Then wakeing to beatings from step dad who saw me as a threat of somesort. Maybe she would cheat on him with me? I don't really know his motives.
    At 14 I finally started fighting back and winning. I rarely went home maybe once a month to cash my ssi check from dad's death till 18 then stopped going home at all.
    So theres alot of reprogramming ahead in therapy and maybe oneday I will know what damage I have done to my marriage. Alot of my infidelity was during triggered states where the trauma is so ontop of you all you can see think smell taste is the event and after solong you are so desperate for it to stop you will do anything to make it stop. Even hurt people you love.
    Now I know what's going on. Now I can see what's happening. Now I can make a choice of how to deal with it in that moment. Now I have a chance to save my marriage. Dunking your head in a bucket if ice water will snap you out of it without killing your SO. It's amazing how fast that will ground you.
     
    Mezach and MikeDownUnder like this.
  13. MikeDownUnder

    MikeDownUnder Fapstronaut

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    Not that I like your first part of the story. But your ending is great, made me realised I am still fortunate to not experience what you experienced. I will see if I can find a therapist and talk to my wife about it. Thanks for sharing. As painful as remembering them I know you have done well now and will have a good future with your attitude.
     
  14. MikeDownUnder

    MikeDownUnder Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. Will definitely find an opportunity to share to her.
     

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