Reaching out to fellow men who have been sexually abused

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by RecoveringLion, Feb 18, 2018.

  1. RecoveringLion

    RecoveringLion Fapstronaut

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    This is a taboo topic. We are men! We dont get sexually abused by women, and if we do, we just got ‘lucky’ right?

    Fucking wrong! (“Wow that Christian guy sure swears a lot.”)

    My first sexual experience was somewhere between the age of 5 and 8 years old. My older sister molested me. Even my naive little self knew that I could never tell ANYBODY. I was a stupid little boy, the whole things was intriguing, I was getting erections, and my sister liked to “play with them.” It felt good, but I still knew in my little heart that something was very wrong. My sister led me down that path. She told me it was okay as long as mom and dad never knew.

    Never thought much about it, until I was married and realized that I found sexual expression boring AF when it was “allowed.” I liked sex more when it wasn’t allowed. When it was bad, or rebellious, needed to be hidden or involved someone I wasn’t super committed to. I liked sex the most when I was taking for myself. I grew up watching porn in the late hours of the night when everyone else was asleep. As soon as I was free from the constant watch of my parents (graduating HS) I became sexually promiscuous and had multiple partners a year.

    Then I realized, while being married to the most beautiful woman alive, that sex that was allowed was unexciting. I wasn’t breaking any rules. For a long time I have pondered this and wondered why...

    Then after watching “The Heart of Man” and realizing I was abused by my sister (for the first time in my life, I finally made the connection), and a lot of thought and prayer and hurt, I realized...My very first sexual experience, being molested, was in a context of venturing into the forbidden. No wonder i learned from a young age to lie, and to cover up, and to find thrill and excitement in the shadows. No wonder I didnt know how to be honest with myself or my wife. No wonder I became such a fucked up mess of a man. I never told a soul until I told my wife. She and my therapist are the only people I have ever confessed this to.

    So if you are a man, who was abused, dont feel ashamed, and know that you are not alone. Sexual abuse happens to men often. I am often considered to be a macho dude, or “Alpha Male” but here I am, on an anonymous message board sharing with my fellow men how even I was sexually abused by someone I should have been able to trust.

    Don’t be ashamed. Know that you aren’t alone, and there is hope you yet.
     
    Moon Shot, Bubbles, udit376 and 10 others like this.
  2. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    I’ve had a couple of experiences when I was young as well...I’m not sure if they are the root of some of my problems.

    When I was about 6 years old, I had a 6 year old little girl who was my “girlfriend” as our parents liked to joke. One night, she slept over my house. That whole day, we were playing “house” which was her idea. She explained to me “you’re the daddy and I’m the mommy, but you don’t want to go to work today. You just want to stay home all day and have sex with me.” These words ring out so clearly in my head, even 20+ years later. I had no idea what sex was. So she explained I just needed to get on top of her and kiss her a lot. Apparently, the only thing I knew about sex was that when you did it, you were naked. So I pulled her underwear down. She ran and told on me. And this had my mom question her and find out she was taught these things by her dad. My mom called her mom, but her mom was just angry and didn’t want to hear it.

    I was also shown porn at a very young age by my Aunts boyfriend at the time. He was a bad drug addict (as was my aunt, as it turned out) and of course didn’t find any of this innapeopriate. It was just funny to him.
    My dad was also very open about porn and there was a lot of infidelity that I witnessed as a young kid. My mom divorced him when I was very young, because she caught him in a sex act with her cousin at a family party. There were also countless times he would be with women who weren’t his girlfriend at the time. I heard things he did, I even remember being at a party and watching him take a girl into the bathroom near where me and my younger brother were playing with legos. Hearing the banging on the door of him and some woman I never saw before.
    He was also very proud about the pornography he had. He used to joke around about it very openly with my uncles. Proudly showing off when a new video would arrive in the mail...back before you could have unlimited access over the internet.
    I still remember some things he’s said out loud...
    “The things these girls will do for a T-SHIRT.”
    And
    “Thanks GOD for amateur porn.”
    Hell, I remember him commenting on the girls he saw around my college campus during my freshman year orientation.

    On top of this, I have a strong suspicion that my grandmother was a pedophile. There were just a few incidences that have led me to think this, but I’ll never know for sure. If she ever did anything to me, I’ve blocked it out. But she had a whole bunch of mental things wrong with her, and I wouldn’t put that past her.


    You’re really brave to share your stuff. It’s so hard to talk about this. I haven’t really ever discussed most of this with anyone. Not even my therapist. Maybe I should though. I have told my girlfriend about all this though. It doesn’t excuse any of my behavior...but it will make me feel a bit better to know if at least some of this isn’t my fault. I’ve come to terms with my addiction and the pain I caused. It would just help me be able to forgive myself for the things I’ve done.
     
  3. RecoveringLion

    RecoveringLion Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man. We all have our demons, and when we cast them into the light, their power starts to fade. Definitely tell your therapist about this stuff. It has intense repercussions on how we view the world and women. Proud of your for sharing your story. Stay strong!
     
    CowardlyLion likes this.
  4. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    I don't doubt the reasons you state are true, but isn't it also the evil that dwells within all of us because we are 'fallen'? -there is a 'thrill' in violating, in breaking taboo? I tried to start taking apart what makes my unwanted PMO and fantasizing so 'thrilling' its sometimes just giving into some sort of betrayal of what we value...
     
  5. Brain-Police

    Brain-Police Fapstronaut

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    Well, as far as I know, I've had two experiences.

    The first one happened when I was 3 years old when there was this lady that used to babysit me. My mom would drop me off and the second my mom left, the babysitter would make me sit in a chair and face the corner for the entire time until my mother would come to pick me up which would amount to 8-10 hours staring at a wall. I wasn't allowed to move, talk, or do anything. I remember the babysitter putting a cigarette out on my thighs for asking to use the bathroom which she denied me access to. I peed my pants that day. I never told my mother, because then she would've told my father and then I'd get beaten black and blue back at home. The next day, my mother dropped me off and I was already in the routine of me sitting in a chair and staring at a wall. But once again, couple of hours later, I needed to pee. I looked around and noticed the babysitter was in her room with the door closed. I took my chance to go to bathroom, and just as I was about to step into the bathroom, she opened her door and saw me. She took me into her room, took off my pants and mounted me in her gown. She told me to "pee inside of her" which I did as I cried. Looking back, it hurts to say that I kind of liked it, but at the time, I was crying. When she realized this, she slapped me as hard as she could and it left a huge red mark on my face. I went to go sit in my chair, pulling my pants up as she locked her bedroom door and I think she fell asleep. When my mother came back, she saw the huge red bruise on my face and never took me back with that lady again. I never told her what happened that day.

    The second time it happened was when I was 5 years old when I was attending kindergarten. It was a day when my uncle told me I could stay home from school and I could play Sega all day. I was pretty stoked! He told me he wouldn't tell my parents as long as I took a bath that day. Sure, I said. My uncle told me to undress in his room and just as I did, his girlfriend bent me over and held me down. The girlfriend told me to not get up, scream or struggle no matter what I felt, and to bite down on the pillow, which I did as my uncle molested and thrusted himself upon me. After it was done, I took the bath, and went to my room and laid down. My uncle got annoyed by this, he turned on the Sega for me and told me to play. I left the Sega on, closed my bedroom door, and I stared at the ceiling on my back on the floor until my parents got home with my older brother. No crying, no screaming, nothing. I just laid there. Once again, I never told them about any of this, until recently when I told my brothers, both younger and older about what had happened. Back then, I didn't know what had happened to me, rather I didn't understand it. My mind blocked it out for the longest of times and would only manifest in my nightmares, night terrors, hallucinations, during sleep paralysis, in my drawings or in my thoughts. At the time, I didn't even know anything bad or wrong has been done to me. In fact, I thought all the abuse was normal until I realized it wasn't. It was just years of systematic abuse passed down by generations. I've learned to cope through drawing, writing, working out, taking walks, meditation and self preservation.
    All of these kinds and years of abuse hindered my ability to relate to other kids my age, let alone talk about what happened to me. I watched porn at the age of 5 as well and was very hyper sexual as a kid. I used to hump my pillow at night. But I didn't see porn again until I was 12 when we had cable and had channels of it. I became addicted and would miss out on family outings just so I can sit at home and pmo all day. Then, we no longer had then channels a year later and I just masturbated throughout my years through fantasy, and then we finally got internet at my house when I turned 18. Once again, I became addicted. There's no doubt in my mind that the abuse I went through is connected to my pmo addiction.
     
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  6. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    That’s horrible. You didn’t deserve any of that. I’m so sorry. But you’re in a place where you’re welcome. Stay strong.
     
  7. Tokenator27

    Tokenator27 Fapstronaut

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    I'm not going to read the thread. I'm just going to say that if you open this can of worms you will flatline for years I can almost guarantee it to you.
     
  8. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    In your experience, what makes you say this?

    Connecting my sexual misdirection from an older sister has lent a much better understanding of later sexual experiences and difficulties.
     
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  9. Tokenator27

    Tokenator27 Fapstronaut

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    Some things are better left buried and repressed. Healthier forms of coping can be found.
     
  10. Moon Shot

    Moon Shot Fapstronaut

    Really? Do tell, what are those 'healthier forms of coping?' Could you explain how repressing anything is healthy?
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2018 at 7:18 AM
  11. Brain-Police

    Brain-Police Fapstronaut

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    @CowardlyLion Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes pain can make things too personal and lonely
     
  12. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

    Bring it into the light dude and do what you can to be happy.Repression does not work.
     
  13. udit376

    udit376 Fapstronaut

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    i read all of your experiences
    and see the other side of it.............at that time you were kids.........you were small and weak........but now you are grown up man........alpha and strong........
    but telling our past negative experiences is very important
    good that you all shared this negative experience
     
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  14. Brain-Police

    Brain-Police Fapstronaut

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    I barely read your story now. Jesus I'm sorry that happened to you man. I truly hope you're in a better place now. The thing about my uncle, I barely uncovered recently and had it confirmed by my brother and my uncontrollable bawling that happened afterwards when I found out. I had blocked it out for so many years. I myself haven't really told anybody about my abuse except my brothers, and the select few of friends I have. My parents never knew and neither did my ex or previous flings. I am still trying to find ways to forgive myself
     
  15. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    You didn’t do anything wrong. That’s the hardest part for people to grasp sometimes. It wasn’t your fault. And sometimes talking about it is the only way we can ever get over it. We love you. Don’t ever forget you have love in your life and people to listen.
     
    Brain-Police likes this.
  16. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    So question for you men...

    Is repression of childhood abuse common? I mean total repression - no recollection of it at all? And what does it take to recover those memories? How does one know they are actual memories and not suggestions by a therapist or perhaps something seen on TV or movies as a child that deeply affected them?

    I ask because my husband has a couple of things in the bedroom that he absolutely freaks out at, even if they are suggested or an accidental brush in a certain area. They are pretty vanilla things. He is adventurous in a lot of other ways and this just seems irrational, even to him. He swears he was never molested or abused in any way and he thinks that I think he's lying to me (I don't). But he has mentioned that there is a part of him that is afraid he may find out in therapy that there is something more to it and that he may have repressed it. The thought terrifies him.

    Just curious what you think.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2018 at 10:17 PM
  17. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

    I’m 69 and I have this odd idea that pops in my head sometimes of a memory(?) when i was 5 that I was in the shower with my dad and maybe he had me suck him. I definitely remember the shower and seeing his penis and being amazed at how big it was but the other part I think may or may not be making up. But I am screwed up sexually. I’m Married with same sex attraction.
     
  18. Brain-Police

    Brain-Police Fapstronaut

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    @EyesWideOpen as far as I read from these forums, other forums and people I've asked around, for the most part yes, but it depends on the individual. My mind unintentionally repressed it for many years to protect the 5 year old me. The mind may discard some of it's time cards, but the body always keeps the score.

    I believe your husband may have had something happen to him when he was young. The only way he can ever know is if he goes back and thinks through his memories.
     
  19. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    I don’t know that answer about repression, but for this:

    I did a written sexual history for the first step in SAA. That’s when I brought up my recollections all in one place and correlated them to the rest of the sexual parts of my life.

    Things no therapist came up with and others things became clearer to me.

    I treated women a lot like my female siblings for one...reminded me of sexual anorexia, but don’t know.

    If your SO WANTS to write his sexual history, it may bring patterns to light and reactions to things may begin to show up.

    One of the best things of the program is now I have a much better handle on it after wrestling this from a dark and shameful place and sharing it in the 12 step rooms. I can begin to take counter actions and live with understanding of myself.
     
  20. Moon Shot

    Moon Shot Fapstronaut

    You're right. It doesn't. That's why when I saw this comment:

    Something broke inside me. I am guilty of repressing. I know it.

    But no, not sexual abuse, nothing like the stories that these brave men have written, just another rollercoaster story I was too cowardly to share. I want to thank @RecoveringLion and all the other souls who shared their story here, for giving me the courage to start thinking about letting it out. Thank you.
     
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