Reached 30 days milestone.

Hello everyone!
I decided to write this post about how I reached 30 days free of PMO. Just to see how far I've come and if my post could help people in their recovery.


Background:

I was introduced to prone masturbation on cylindrical pillows ( i think they are called bolster pillows) at a very young age by a person. That time I was too young to know what I was really doing. The person introduced me to it telling it was a magic trick. And by magic trick the person meant "the feeling of O". Over the years as I grew up I got addicted to MO. I am not getting into details because it could be a possible

Spoiler

you need to resist such spoiler clicking urges

for some.

Then fast forward a few years later, I was part of a friend circle who were addicted to various self destructing addictions including P. They introduced me to P one day by forcing me to watch it and didn't let me go. The first time I saw P, I was so disgusted to look at it. I felt a strong repulsion from it as I was grossed out. But after months of P viewing I then got addicted to PMO gradually. This PMO addiction continued in my high school and in my undergraduate years.

Over the years I had made a habit to PMO in various situations. And also I started viewing more aggressive genres. I screwed myself pretty bad.
when nobody could notice me doing it, I did it. When I was sad or stressed out, I did it. When I was alone at home, I did it. etc. Although I was not doing it on a regular basis. I did it like 3 days per week as per the opportunities I got and once or twice a day.

I have forgiven the people who introduced me to PMO. My recovery is my responsability. It was me who was responsible for continuing on the path of PMO after they introduced me to it. So now I have simply decided to stop.


Realizations

I started to get questions within myself, like:

• Why do I feel guilty and bad after doing it when it feels so good doing it? What's wrong with it?
• Why do I think so pervertedly about women? and Why does it make me so powerless in front of women? Why am I getting less and less attracted to anything in general?
• Why am I so lazy? why do i always get perverted thoughts most of the time, whether it's my exams, I am in my class, I am travelling, and the list goes on?
• Why is my short term memory so less? I can't even remember a simple grocery list of items I have to buy. I even sometimes used to forget what I was about to do the next moment.

Then I got curious to know what would happen if I stop all this. I also came to know that a lot of P on the internet contains some kidnapped and abused women. By continuing to watch it I am contributing to more rapes, abductions and abusings as the doers are getting encouraged to produce more by my need to watch it. I need to stop needing it. Research after research, I finally stumbled upon a video on youtube named as "your brain on porn" and came to know about "transmutation of sexual energy" on September 2017 which convinced me to beleive that PMO is damaging my brain. After watching it I realized that I was an addict to PMO and over the years I had damaged myself so much. Then I found this nofap community, read various forums and posts here and decided to join it. And I am so glad I did it.


Recovery

I started to investigate my triggers and took the follwing steps:

• First of all I started by opening my laptop and smartphone storage and deleted every P video, images etc I had. Cleaned up my browser history so that i could not go back to the new websites i recently found then.
• I found out that viewing TV, social media websites like facebook and instagram. Now I've limited myself to only whatsapp. Because after checking others post I used to compare myself to others and judge my self worth based on the likes and positive comments I received on my posts. Now I feel much better about myself as I don't compare anyone with me.
• I also stopped watching music videos and started to mostly listen music. Even these contain triggering material for me most of the time.
• I also stopped watching anything on youtube which i felt could be a p-sub or triggered me. I immediately pressed the back button and search something else.
• I had conditioned myself to also get aroused by bolster pillows so I can't remove it as others in the house will need it. So I have to fight the urges whenever when I am around it. After 30 days of resistance to it now it has become easier to deal with it.
• I resist the feel to look at my phone and browse stuff when I am going to sleep. Also I try to sleep before everyone else at night.
• I spend some time reading some posts on nofap everyday. Reading people's posts here has really broadened my perspective on things and I also come to learn about strategies that could work for me.
• I have started to go out more and meet people. I spend lot of time outdoors now doing productive work. Being regular on my classes and hanging out with my friends more often.

Struggles

During the last year of recovery I started out with frequent relapses and small streaks. But I read a quote and it lessened my suffering:

I have also realized that I had a mindset which was keeping me from having a better streak. It was that I thought, having a look at something triggering and then by quickly stopping before I start to get aroused. Or just stroke my penis a few times and stop before I sense danger and I would be cool.
BUT,
It was not okay, sooner or later that lead me to edge. And sometimes that edging converted to a full blown relapse. I think I also experienced blue balls after edging and not relapsing. If somebody has other views or accurate information on the occurence of blue balls then let me know because I don't know it myself.
My addict side keeps telling me various lies and some weird questions like "what if I die single? Why are you keeping yourself away from the pleasure?" Nobody loves you, nobody wants to talk to you etc etc."
I have been an addict for years now I want to be free and see what the future holds for me. I choose to beleive in nofap. As nothing good has ever come from being a PMO addict.


Benefits

• I am able to sleep better now. I usually suffered from sleeplessness and kind of insomniac nights. It was difficult to fall asleep at the right time. Now I get satisfying quality and quantity of sleep. And I feel more active and energized due to this during the day time.
• I am starting to perceive women as beautiful and cute rather than sexy and hot. My expectations of an ideal woman has decreased a lot. I appreciate every woman. Now I want to know them for the person they are rather than how they look. I want to talk to them, listen to them, connect with them and be friends with them rather than just to get laid and shit like that. I still get some P flashes but looking at my progress I think I'll get over it soon if I continue to walk on this path.
• I am more alert now. I feel more aware of my environment and surrounding. I can focus better on my work now. Recently we had to give a powerpoint presentation. My presentation was so well that my teacher saved my work in the institute computer and showed them to my class and another class and I received applause. I was so happy.
• I have learned to forgive and feel less angry. One friend of mine, she deliberately insults me every now and then and disagrees with me everytime but I've learned to let it be and not react to it. Instead I've broadened my perspective and see that sometimes her opinions are better than mine so I learn from it and when they are aren't, they hardly bother me as in my head I'm like "I'm gonna do what I gotta do."
• My short term memory has improved slightly. I remember conversations between me and close ones.
• Sexual fantasies have started to become less frequent. P memory is starting to fade away. This makes me feel less guilty and now I am slightly better at approaching women and people in general. The guilt is gone resulting in the rise of self confidence. Random P fantasy pop ups have become very less. I feel better about myself.

Conclusion

I will keep going on this path. And thank you to all my supporters for helping me achieve 30 days free of PMO. Without everybody's continuous motivation and support it would have been hard for me and who knows what would have happened. I'm also planning to add meditation to my list after watching this video:

We must be there for our friends who fall for a relapse. They need us the most at that time, We will not give up on them and will not let them give up. Relapsers need some uplifting at the time. I'll always be there to for you. Because I beleive in all my fellow nofappers.

Wish you all with success for the future.
Peace.

-@Vherenz

 

Thank You very much.

Sure I will. For now I am looking forward to the 60 days milestone first.

 

Thank You

Best of luck for that. Beleive in yourself. You can do it.

Glad to know I have someone to relate to.

 

You're welcome my friend

Along with nofap you mihgt also need other strategies to acheive a better sleep. I wish you success for the future.

 

You're welcome.

that might surely help, I guess.

I wish you success friend. God Bless you too!