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Quick anonymous survey...the truth sets us free!

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by MasterRoshi, Jun 28, 2018.

do you recognize beauty in people regardless of age? (Not sexual attraction, but beauty)

  1. Yes, It’s normal to notice beauty regardless of age.

  2. No! Humans look like a sack of potatoes to me until after puberty!

Results are only viewable after voting.
  1. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    hi everyone!
    I hesitated to post this at all because it’s a very odd and sensitive subject. Some might see it as a justification for actions or something. The survey idea comes from my therapist and has to do with my OCD thinking and dealing with the corrosive thoughts that I use to isolate myself and beat myself up.

    I was talking with my therapist about irrational fears as it relates to my sex addiction and she told me that my OCD thoughts (thinking I’m unique) around attraction are more normal than I think. This has caused me to get panic attacks and make me think Im really sick in the head. So I wanted to get a quick anonymous survey to prove that I’m not alone.

    So here’s the premise... I was really freaked out about thinking certain age groups are attractive; noticing someone is beautiful. Because I’m a sex addict with OCD tendencies, I believe I’m putting too much emphasis on these thoughts. But in reality she said it’s fairly normal for people to notice beauty in young people.

    She gave me three examples of this. First, she said she was recently watching a movie and there was a 7yo boy in it. She had the thought, “wow he’s really gorgeous and when he’s older he’ll be really attractive.”

    The second one was what we here many times in life, “careful! when she’s older the boys are gonna be all over her. Better get you shotgun ready!” Type of a joke.

    And third, that some people regardless of age are extra attractive. This is why some people are chosen for modeling ads and others arent. There’s a casting call for 100s of kids and someone is making the choice that person X is more beautiful than the rest and is chosen for the ad.

    These 3 examples, my therapist said, prove that it’s fairly normal to acknowledge and recognize beauty in various age groups and it doesn’t mean im a sick person. I have been so scared of any thoughts about attraction and everything that I was feeling about about it thinking I was broken...she assured me I’m not. I was very honest with her about it so she could judge me appropriately.

    So please answer the above survey honestly and with compassion.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2018
  2. bassist_car_guy

    bassist_car_guy Fapstronaut

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    Well, just to gain some perspective, let's look at it this way. When you were a young boy, who did you feel romantic attraction to? I'm almost positive that the answer to that is girls in your own age group. I know I sure as hell did. Now, I'm not saying that it's in any way normal or acceptable for an adult male to be romantically or sexually attracted to a pre pubescent girl, but I am saying that your ability to recognize beauty in girls at that age group never goes away. I had a crush on the same girl literally since the fifth grade all through high school. So yes, your therapist is 100% right, it's completely normal. Trust me man, don't compare yourself to pedophiles/child molesters, that is not a healthy mindset to have. It's like comparing yourself to a serial killer because you accidentally hit a squirrel with your car.
     
  3. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for this.

    Yea, this is why I wanted to make this survey because my OCD anxiety tendencies take a thought I have and cause me to spiral out into very abstract thinking because of various irrational fears. Or at least this is what my therapist tells me.

    due to my porn addiction, I do think I have blurred the lines more than a non porn addict, because the most popular legal porn category is
    “barely legal” and variations of it such as jailbait.
    this might have blurred some lines for me, and what causes me to have so much anxiety about these thoughts and possibly placing way too much meaning into them, due to my OCD thinking.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2018
  4. I agree, as long as youre not sexualizing them or lusting after them (which is just sick regardless). I can see a girl and think shes going to be pretty when shes older just as i can see a boy and recognize handsomeness. Its not sick or twisted its just noticing features and being aware of what theyll become. I think its pretty common actually.
     
  5. bassist_car_guy

    bassist_car_guy Fapstronaut

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    Yeah and that's totally understandable. I think the reason all that "barely legal" stuff is so popular is because it adds a percieved level of risk (and thus excitement) to what you're doing. Looking at it objectively, what are teenage girls but less developed and less sexually experienced women? I'm 18, so like most guys in my age group, I'm interested in girls around 16-20 years old, because they're the ones who I can (for the most part) relate to and connect with the most. But with that being said, as we get more mature, our taste in women should change as well. Does that automatically make most 16 year old girls unattractive? No, not at all. However, in my opinion, an adult man intentionally seeking out teenage girls for sex is in many ways the same as taking advantage of a drunk girl. They don't know what they're doing, to take advantage of them in such a state is, in my opinion, morally wrong. If I did it, I know I would feel guilty about it. With all that being said, go easier on yourself man. The difference between you and all those other grown men doing exactly what you feel guilty about is that you realized when it was time to stop and then did something about it. That, in itself, makes you a better, stronger person than them. I know the urges are difficult to deal with, believe me, I'm right there with you, but the fact that you're willing to stand up against your addiction and say no means that you're still a good person. Keep hanging in there.
     
  6. jyvais

    jyvais Fapstronaut

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    It's normal to notice beauty regardless of age but hold on, what are you talking about? if you you are talking about noticing beauty in kids, what kind of beauty? -> Dude, you're a sex addict, you are constantly screening the world around with a sex addict perspective and if you are at the point of searching the beauty in kids, that's fucked up. Sorry to burst your bubble but I disagree, normal people don't do that, normal people don't fap, normal people don't spend hours in front of a monitor looking at porn, it is what it is ...

    When a mom look at a kid and notice the beauty, it's ok because she's a mom and that's what moms do. when a guy looks at a young or mature woman and notice her beauty, it's ok because he's a guy and that's what guys do. We're all adults here but when a male sex addict notice the beauty in kids, to me that's really fucked up and there are no excuses, no shenanigans that can justify it, you can tell the story the way you want but that doesn't change anything. I'm sorry, to me and under these circumstances that's crossing the line. Addiction has multiple stages and it's scary to realize that porn leads to areas where under normal circumstances meaning if not addicted, one would not even think about it. I guess when you start to ask yourself questions like that, you know you are somehow far out and playing with fire. Your CST is just covering her ass and brushing it off. That's why I don't like most of those guys, they're in for the money and often give a false sense of reality.
     
  7. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    So what you’re telling me is that a non sex addict both male and female can have this thought and that’s ok. but you being a sex addict you somehow don’t have these thoughts? Or you do have these thoughts but your not a sex addict?? I’m confused
     
  8. sfwfox

    sfwfox New Fapstronaut

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    Hey there,

    I think the idea is that you can have thoughts that someone you see is beautiful, but that it is best not to think too much about how often you're thinking those thoughts while being an addict. The point is to not think so much about how much you're thinking, which is pretty tough (see "ironic process theory").

    Remember that people are more than how they look on the surface. For comparison, when I walk around, I acknowledge that some people look pretty nice, but I often look away and go back to thinking about what I have to do at my next destination. I also walk noticeably more quickly than others, which helps in avoiding having people walking the other way being too long in my peripheral vision.
    Also, be careful about "medical school syndrome". If you think too much about it, you might nocebo yourself into adapting the character you wanted to avoid, and engaging in risky behaviours.

    I guess something important is to acknowledge whether deep down, you actually have such a fantasy (on a sexual level), or not (it's just in your mind too often but it's not actually sexual). If the former, then think about why, and what the fantasy could mean, or be a substitute for.

    (Apparently I haven't been on here long enough (less than 1 hour isn't long enough? /s) to post links yet, hence the quotes.)
     
  9. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your our post. as insane as your first paragraph sounds, this is the exactly what I was trying to explain. Thoughts about thoughts about thoughts about thoughts, and before you know it I’ve spun into a self induced anxiety.
     
  10. jyvais

    jyvais Fapstronaut

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    The thing is that normal people dont have this thoughts and dont look at children to “notice” or “apreciate” their beauty.
     
  11. Shawwwn

    Shawwwn Fapstronaut

    Hmm, this doesn't sound quite fair to me. Aren't you discriminating against sex addicts by treating them differently from non-sex addicts? I mean I understand what you're trying to get at, but on the other hand it's entirely possible for a sex-addict to see beauty in kids. Especially if the sex addict in question is undergoing recovery, wants to do the right thing, and has a 90 day streak that I don't have. D:
     
  12. ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke Fapstronaut

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    I think the best analogy here is with thinking someone of your own sex is attractive (if you're straight) or of the other sex if you're gay. I think it's normal and okay to notice a child you think is beautiful just as it's normal and okay to see another guy and think he looks great. These aren't sexual thoughts, obviously, because you don't want sex with a child or (assuming you're a straight male) with another man.

    Having said that, I don't think I actually notice beautiful children myself. This is something I hear women say, and to be honest I associate it with women and a woman's way of thinking. I don't think that's just because of a feeling (or prejudice) about women having purer, better thoughts about children than men do, though I do think women on average are better in that way. I just don't think I notice beauty in that way at all, in kids or other men, or even in women. I really do notice when I'm sexually attracted to a woman, but that's a different thing from "beauty".
     
  13. loketa

    loketa New Fapstronaut

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    I've gone through OCD with worries similar to yours. I used to terrify myself if I ever found beauty in someone who ever looked young and I had convinced myself that people my age looked old and unattractive.
    I recently went on medication after a year of doing the absolute best I could to overcome this myself. I don't know if it's the medication or if my brain has radically rewired itself (probably both) because now young teens just don't give me the same reaction, like, yeah, I notice their beauty sometimes but they just don't grab my attention as much as someone 5 years in my age range.

    I believe that concoction of sexual obsession, OCD and anxiety we have creates a sort of feedback loop in our minds,
    we notice beauty or physical development in a person we thing we shouldn't,
    our unconscious brain reacts with primitive attraction,
    our prefrontal cortex notices this reaction and due to our own morals and society's it flags those feelings as dangerous,
    the unconscious perceives this as more excitement,

    and the cycle just goes around in circles like that.

    Before I started medication I also worked with reward therapy, I treated worrying about my attraction as if it were my OCD's ritual (which it is), so every time I successfully resisted it I rewarded myself with a small treat I kept in my bag, I found this to be a very effective method as it began to train my mind to break the cycle of worry.
     
    MasterRoshi likes this.
  14. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for this. I feel some of the posts don’t quite understand what I’m talking about. But you seem to understand the OCD feedback loop im trying to talk about.

    For the record, yes I do find someone young attractive, but after that initial thought the OCD feedback loop kicks in and it gets blown out of proportion exactly how you mentioned it. So instead of leaving it where it is (a quick thought if “she’s very attractive”), I start obsessing about the fact that I had the thought, which makes that small moment much bigger, and then as you said my shame grows and the moment gets even bigger and before you know it I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. Not because I’m being a creep but because I’m obsessed with not being a creep.

    Then enough enough of these moments over time, I start to convince myself that I’m the worst person, and unique from anyone else, therefore the fact that I had these thoughts must mean I’m capable of doing an action, Even if I don’t want to, as if it’s not my choice. So then I somehow out of thin air become a self proclaimed creep who just hasn’t acted out yet, but could, not that I would, but that I could. So then I’m dealing with more obsessive thinking about how horrible I am and what a creep I am... which leads to depression and suicidal thoughts, all because I thought a young girl looked attractive...

    So yea... I totally agree that my OCD thinking isn’t normal, and as the Internet memes say “that escalated quickly,” but the initial thought that sparks this whole OCD thought cycle is simply “that girl is very good looking” or in my heads language “wow she’s cute!” Or “wow she’s very attractive” and then boom!, The OCD cycle starts.

    I hope this better explains my situation. Dealing with the type of OCD thought cycle and sex addiction including jailbait PMO, has really messed up my self image and I hope this all gets worked through with my therapist and my 12 step recovery work.

    This is the reason for this post, to first find out if the initial thought is normal (per my therapists request), then after I can come to terms with the thought being normal (or not), I can start to unpack the preceding thoughts.

    Thanks to all who have replied, it’s really helping me to understand what’s going on in my head.
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2018
  15. loketa

    loketa New Fapstronaut

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    Are you on, or considered medication? I don't want to push it on you but from my own personal experience it was the best thing I did for my mental health.
     
  16. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the suggestion! I brought it up to my therapist and she said she’ll let me know if she feels the psychotherapy isn’t working or needs a helping hand.

    I’m leaving it up to her discretion for now.

    In the past I’ve been against it but now I’m willing to to whatever is suggested, so definitely keeping an open mind.
     
  17. Hi xXPharohXx,

    You are not the only one with these desires.

    A couple things to think about to help you minimize your OCD:

    1. If you are like me, you may have already been masturbating when you navigated to the site. When I view porn, I often get distracted or in a haze and will move from some super stimulating site to something more mellow to keep myself from cumming too fast (edging), and then navigate back to porn site. So you are already sexually excited–no matter what you are looking at. In this case young teens have a quality of being 'cute' and 'innocence' and it is usually opposite what we are feeling (when we are acting on our impulses, we sometimes feel deviant or guilty)

    2. I am also compelled to look at 'jailbait' because of the extra thrill (dopamine?) of 'living on the edge' of what is socially acceptable. This is made more difficult by the fact much of the the porn produced these days feature models/actors that have shave their pubic area/genitals to appear more youthful. This makes it hard to determine the age of the model/actor and desensitizes you from the feeling that it is inappropriate, yet oddly still extremely stimulating. In my day (old man voice - I am 47) all the women in magazines had pubic hair, and there was less access to young nude models, unless you count Barnes and Noble and Borders that sell art books by photographers like David Hamilton and Jock Sturges. The internet changed all that. I was sucked into it slowly but I feel bad for young Fapstronauts, as they have been exposed to this immediate access to information (both informative and destructive) their whole lives.

    3. You might talk to your therapist about 'hebephilia' and 'ephebophila' as they seem to match more closely your behavior. The difference is both of these deal with preferences toward girls or boys who have started developing physically. This may explain why people are sexually attracted to those actor/actresses they have seen 'grow up' or develop over the years, like Annette Funicello, in the sixties to Emma Watson, Christina Ricci or Scarlett Johansson now and certainly explain why you might be excited looking at those people you grew up with. This is important because it is ruling out a sexual lust for super young children who haven't developed yet (pre pubescent) which has a huge social stigma attached that will make you feel like a monster.

    I hope this helps in some small way. I am at the beginning of my recovery but feel like letting you know that you are not alone.

    Good luck on your recovery.

    P.S. If you are feeling you are attracted to young children, you can talk to your therapist about recovery. The fact that you are seeking help here is a big deal and shows that you are willing to make a positive change. At least you will have the proper terminology when you are discussing your feelings and desires.
     

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