Questions to ask your PA in conversation?

One thing I say to myself is "Tell me about day 100, why is it hard to keep going? Why is it easier?" from the point of view of being at day 100. It helps me remember that some things will get better, but ackowledging that some things will be harder or hard in a different way then this moment.

 

This is a great post.

Our night time conversations sound exactly like yours and I too can't help feel he's not being as open as he could be with his feelings.

He's been in therapy for over two months now, sessions every single week. I only had my first session last week and honestly, I genuinely covered more ground in my one session that he's managed in 10.

I also word for word practically shared what we spoke about with him and then broke down some of the thoughts I'd taken away from it later so we could explore those ideas together.

I was met with a confused wee face and a "I dunno what you mean we haven't discussed that in my sessions yet".

I talked about feelings and concepts I'm desperately trying to grapple with in my head all day long and he seems to talk about logistics and functions with his therapist. Like he uses her as a "how to" guru for beating this addiction rather than a therapist.

I dunno. Maybe some men just don't tackle these problems the same way some women do and that results in what appears to be a lack of meaningful conversation.

 

I definitely think this is true and I can understand how you can cover "more ground in my one session that he's managed in 10." Just some thoughts on this and your other comments:

For the SO who has been hurt, I think there is an immediate desire to share your anger, pain, frustration, etc. and a strong drive to find some way to process it all. It isn't you who has an addiction and it isn't you who put you in your position. You're the victim, you're hurting, and you want answers. And a therapist is typically a safe place to unload it all - especially when your family or friends aren't options. You probably have found that one hour sessions aren't long enough.

For the PA, there can be a number of reasons for why progress is slow. One reason may be the sheer shame of it all. Just having to admit something like the fact that you touch yourself way too often is hard enough. Getting into further details can be much, much heavier.

It personally took me forever to come to grips with having my problem and discuss it with my wife. But it took me literally 0 minutes to begin telling my therapist about it. I understood that both of them would have wildly different reactions to my admission. I've told me therapist everything with ease right away. It's taken longer with my wife and there are still things that I am too embarrassed to admit - though I am still working on that. Essentially, my therapist has no emotional attachment and is not hurt by my actions. It can be argued that he actually ($) benefits from them. So he is my safest place.

As far as using a therapist for "logistics and functions"... Personally, that was not be a bad place to start for me, but I think that forums like this one, listening to podcasts, building list of positive activities to do, learning new skills/language/instruments are better for the functional aspects of recovery. I use my therapist to try to understand why I have my addiction and how I can work to reverse my brain's incorrect wiring, if you will. He is really just an important piece of the solution puzzle and fills in gaps where my own work cannot.

Regardless of how much I told my therapist about my addiction, progress would turn out to be slow. Why? Because I had developed a slew of other problems along the way. Serious ones. For example, I had essentially stop maturing when I was a teenager. I had become an adult who wasn't responsible, emotional or healthy. So while I have had to work hard on my addiction, I've essentially had to learn how to be a man at the same time. That's a lot on my and my wife's plate.

So the question I think to at least consider is: What drove your PA to his addiction and has that issue been resolved/addressed?

For me personally, it was the fact that I had lived in about 18 different homes by the time I graduated from high school. By then, I had developed a personality which said "Everything is temporary. Don't count on anyone. Don't extend yourself to friends or where you live because they won't be there next year. Just take care of yourself." Which I unfortunately did for a very long time.

Along these lines... It took me a while to realize that this was at the core of why my wife wasn't enthusiastic about my positive progress reports. She essentially didn't want to get her hopes up. She was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If I can offer anything from my personal situation it's this: If he is doing the work, this will progress two steps forward and one step back. There will be setbacks and disappointments along the way. But try to be compassionate with his relapses and compassionate with your own frustrations. And look at where he was at this time last month, three months ago, one year ago, etc. That's where you can take some comfort if things are moving forward.

 

That's understood. And by my comments, I don't mean to insinuate that any of your feelings are anything but valid. I think that for both people involved, it's so heavy and dark, that when we can find some lightness here and there, we should take advantage of it.