Questions for PA from SO

I was addicted for over 25 years and never escalated into anything in the real world. I started with catalogs, VHS tapes, DVDs, magazines, stories, and online videos. But never with anyone who was 'live' on the other end. I escalated in frequency and into different genres of porn, but the idea of doing anything with a real person was going over an imaginary line that I wasn't willing to cross. I may have been delusional but I never completely lost my mind.

 

Lol I am pretty young and have no significant other. Even then the closest thing I have done to the 'live' thing is looking at someone that was video taping themselves and live streaming, and I could not even get off on that, like I was not even interested in actually doing the real thing. The imaginary line thing applies to me as well, and I end up rationalizing porn because it is not in my mind at the moment, the "real thing"

 

From what I know so far .... My husband started with porn as a young teenager. Used his first prostitute at university. He has admitted to using sex chat lines, strip clubs with lots of private room action - including fingering them and masturbating openly with the strippers, massage parlour for hand jobs and prostitutes throughout our 25 year marriage.

I think it depends if your partner has a line he won't cross. Otherwise if he is self entitled and misogynistic and let's face it all pork is and fans those flames, he is going to feel it is his right to abuse going women for his own personal gratification - no matter for how brief, no matter the damage to the other woman and society as a whole and absolutely no matter the price you WILL end up paying for his fun and good time.

 

Wow @Silas that is a great deal to take in as a SO. I'm so sry you had to deal with all of that. I hope you are taking care of yourself and are well!

 

Yep. "Going live" = crossing a line. If it has "gone live" in a marriage (and the marriage isn't an "open marriage"), then there's significant breach of trust and vows, and that often stems from the male (usually a male) incurring significant trauma early in his life resulting in some psychological/behavioral/personality issues.

We have found that properly-trained therapists are far and few between. The Carnes' model is out-dated and often perpetuates trauma for the partner.

Here's a few links which may help:

http://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/compulsive-abusive-sexual-relational-disorder-casrd/

http://theinstituteforsexualhealth....rtners-and-spouses-impacted-by-sex-addiction/

 

I've been with my wife for 20 years and a PA most of that time. Not as bad as others... we had an active sex life... but still bad enough, especially considering that several times she asked me to stop.

In my case, I never took it into the real world, despite opportunities. For some of us, at least, there is a very clear and impassable line there. I have this porn problem, but I am able to compartmentalize it. I love my wife and would never want to hurt her, but my porn addled brain is able to rationalize porn use. It's funny, I find even the idea of strip clubs morally repugnant.

So... there's hope that he has been physically faithful to you.

 

Girls ! I just want to ask you and don't get me wrong, how many time do you masturbate in a whole week before and after your marriage ???? I'm just wondering.
Are you like us, I mean do you masturbate or not??

 

I would have to say my drive is higher than some women I think. Before marriage when single it was a lot but I honestly was never single that long (I believe 3mo at most). I wouldn't watch P along with it though. After marriage I only really took care of it when my husband wasn't interested. It became more frequent which is how I discovered his PA. Now not at all bc I'd much rather be with my husband instead and as long as he's trying reboot I can wait to be with him.

 

My hubs is the same which is why I didn't realize he had a PA to begin w. Thankfully I think that's the only reason I am able to work this out w him. As long as he stays rebooting and rebuilding the relationship.

 

Not every one is a traditional addict. Some people are just recreational users. There is a small group of people who are at-risk users that only PMO when they are under stress. Some people turn to other addictions to cope. It IS possible. Without any other information I can't discredit his claim.

 

@Eve26

I have had no serious urges this far into this reboot. The last time I quit for a long time it was the same - until the end when I relapsed. Whenever I've had a strong urge for porn - I've been essentially defenseless against it.

I think the trick for me is to eliminate the problem at the root - so that it never gets to the point of an urge. I'm talking about a general overhaul of my heart.

Reading the posts in this section has been helpful in keeping me on track - sometimes I can get insensitive towards my wife and can justify my porn habit. I simply focus on her flaws and ignore the big picture - this amazing woman who has accepted me and my flaws unconditionally. But when I read an entire relationship and the harm porn has caused it condensed into a few paragraphs - it reminds me of the big picture and what kind of person I don't want to be.

I don't know your husband - perhaps he has had a similar experience.

 

Fireproof is another really good one. Having to do with marriage and PA too.

 

I've never heard of having issues with P.
Only with a partner.
I know when the guy uses P, The PIED returns. (this is immediately if in reboot, in some fashion)
I have heard if they have some kind of other dysfunction, it can effect during P also, like a prostate problem.
Why do you ask? @Eve26