Question??

How long have you been pmo free? Did you lie to her about your use? How many times? She's experiencing betrayal trauma. So she's trying to control what she can so she does not feel that pain again. It takes SO a very long time to recover and you must be patient. You have to understand she does not trust you and she's got a good reason not to. If you argue deny or say things like I'm not doing it just believe me well we believed you before and you lied? I'm a SO and my partner did the same thing when he quit porn glared creepily at every single female that he saw in front of me and insisted he was not, he was. What finally did it was when my mother who was out with us once called him out several times for doing the same thing and I had not said a word to her. It's likely you are doing it and not even noticing. We are already feeling insecure that type of behavior kills us.

 

Good luck man. My ex and my sister said I'd do the same thing and I never knew or felt I knew. Apparently my ex's friends told her I would do it to them and honestly there's not one I'm remotely attracted to. I do think porn messes up our minds beyond our control. I literally see a girl or talk to one and just look over their shoulder or elsewhere bc I don't want to scare them either. Be thankful your girl is even still around. Mine walked out and hasn't communicated 2 words to me but I hear she's moving on through friends. Good luck figuring it out.

 

I feel like the only sure fire way is zero porn. I stay away from everything at all costs until I get it totally under control. Even T.V. or movies. My phone is locked down . I trust nothing including myself and its all helped so far. If I find an easier way to end this mental fuckery I'll be the first to yell it from the mountains.

 

Well first of all kudos to you for finding this forum, getting help and recognizing that PMO is bad for your relationship. I see now that your concern is you want to stop the looking at other women because it hurts your SO but you don't see that you are doing it so how can you stop? I do think as others have commented that porn really messes with your mind and the way that you view women. You view them as objects for sexual gratification not the whole actual person or the sum of their parts but their actual individual parts. I suspect what is happening is that you are looking at body parts and not even realizing, that's what my partner was doing. So you don't remember there being a girl there or what she was wearing because you are not seeing a girl you are seeing the body parts. As you get further and further away from the PMO this will most likely resolve itself because the way you view women will totally change. But since you have only been PMO free for a short time now most recently your brain is still in that headspace. You have never truly been clean for long enough to feel that. It could be that she is hyper sensitive and seeing things but I doubt that. If you could recruit a friend male or female that's neutral and have them go out with the two of you and ask them to observe that could help. A female would be better but a good guy friend too. My Mom was our neutral third party but we did not ask her to do it it was so bad that she noticed and that's when my partner realized he was doing it. She is really hurting I cannot imagine with all these relapses the pain she must be in. So ask her to tell you immediately when she sees you doing it everytime. Then don't get defensive be very calm and say you are sorry that you understand why she feels that way, validate her feelings. Then say honey I believe that I am doing this but I don't know that I am, I think porn has messed me up so much I can't tell when I am but I want to stop please help me to see when I'm doing it. If you are truly not conscious of it and this does not work, just look at the floor or pick a benign object in the room to avert your eyes to every now and again. Make eye contact with your SO or whoever you are speaking to and don't let your eyes wander anywhere! Tell her now that you have stopped PMO you think this will get better. Finally the single piece of advice I can give you is friggin stop the PMO, no porn, no porn subs, no masturbation, no O from anyone but her, so not touch yourself at all. You have to do this or you will lose this woman. No matter what it takes you have to do it.

 

I agree. The further he gets away from PMO the less this should happen.

 

I have this problem too. In fact, it was one of the first things that my SO noticed (we're both on here and she just said "go read this post", so you can see it's still an issue).

I'm trying to be vigilant and avoid doing so although even that can be a trigger for her - the fact I noticed a woman and looked away, or turned to my SO, still means I noticed the woman. Ironically I think trying to be vigilant is making me notice people more - not in a sexual way but like I said it can still be an issue. I know she also worries I only look away when she is around. I guess at first (before I identified or admitted the P problem, when we were just arguing about my staring) that I was more vigilant when she was around but not totally complacent when alone. Since I started the reboot I've been vigilant all the time and also vigilant with myself - no sexual thoughts or arousal at all (some might come but clamp down on it straight away and make it go away and think of something else).

But like so much else in our relationship at the moment it comes down to trust (which I lost) and hurt (which she very much is) and it's going to take time and hard work to get beyond that.

 

Wow, @GG2002. Thank you so much for your replies to this post. I just frantically "forced" my BF to read this thread, because we are going through exactly the same scenarios EVERY time we're in public, or TV is on, or a picture of ANY woman pops up on a computer screen. It's so bad, that I refuse to go out at all with him, if I can avoid it. Trips to the supermarket have become a nightmare, but going out in the evening (even with the kids to have dinner) is simply too painful right now. I end up leaving the table and disappearing for extended periods of time either to cry in the toilet or smoke too many cigarettes just to numb myself.
He too says he doesn't realize he is doing it, and often doesn't make me feel validated by denying the whole thing. I often fantasize about having some hidden video camera on my forehead, just to show him what he is actually doing. The glazed-over look in his eyes. The open-mouth outright gaping. The creepy obsessed looks. The pretending he is looking at something else while checking them out "tricks". The side-eyed movements while trying to convince me he is actually looking at me. The "noticing" an attractive woman 10 times in 2 minutes. And most of all, and I think most SOs here would agree, never reserving these "looks" for me. I mean NEVER. I have never caught him staring at me, checking me out, "noticing" me, gaping at me, etc. The looks I get are sex-free, attraction-free, boring, tired, confused, not interested, not glued to me, not automatic nor subconscious. Yes, this issue kills me :-(

 

I recommend couples therapy. My husband and I do it together, and it's TREMENDOUSLY helpful. Now, full disclosure, we don't have major trust issues--more like language issues, but still.

If a couple are committed to being together, then whatever one member is going through, the other is also going through. I started out with the therapist alone, and worked on my "stuff," and later my husband joined. It's really hard to work stuff out all alone (as a couple).

FWIW...

 

You don't need a video camera. Just ask him whether you can snap a picture of him on your phone. With a series of pictures of the expression, you'll be able to ask, "What were you thinking and feeling at just that moment?" BUT! You'll both have to find a neutral language to talk about it. If you're telling him his expression is "creepy," the bad feelings he has will distract him from trying to get down into what he's feeling about what he's looking at. Again, a therapist could be extremely helpful in having that conversation.

 

We are in the same boat. My fiancée never looks at me or compliments me either. Other men will check me out but he's got me right next to him and is looking at everything that walks by. It does get better the longer he's away from porn. And it's very frustrating when they deny it but most truly are not conscious of it. The original poster said he's the perfect gentleman and does not objectify women but that if he or any other man watches as much porn as he says he does and opening a door or buying flowers does not transform him into a gentleman. Also something my fiancé did. Part of that is denial on their part and minimization. But a larger part is so many have only ever viewed women this way so they know no different. We as non addicts with experiences with other partners who do not do this and are gentleman know that are partners are acting different. The best thing the addict can do is recognize this and validate feelings. The worst thing they can do is becoming defensive, try to explain or deny but that's what most do. There is a 99% if you are an addict or in early recovery and your SO says you are doing this you are.

 

I have seen this glazed over eyes darkening look throughout my relationship. Even before I "knew" about the porn. I would also see this same creepy dark glazed eye look during sex. I literally thought to myself is he f-ing possessed? ?!! 3 times my bf has had to have women stop and walk around him bc he just freezes there staring then snaps out of it. And it is not like this occurs for women who might be dressed provocatively or hot....it's weird. His mother even described the same thing happening at a Christmas dinner where his sadistic drooling look was noticed by her and his sister while he was leering at his uncles wife, yeah his aunt. But noooooo none of us saw that .... but neither have other girls who are like yeah he's nice but he's kinda creepy too.....they've told me this !! All these responses have made me feel a lot less crazy. Chris14 I hope this hits home for you now in understanding how it's all taking you over. That in itself is beyond frightening.

 

A therapist can be extremely helpful if you find the right one. My fiancé saw several not who was a psychiatrist and they actually made things worse. They said I was too needy one said I should ask him to alter his PMO schedule so he could still perform in bed and that it was an acceptable way to self soothe. Yet another said that he was not an addict because he did not watch for eight hours a day. Many blamed me for him lying to me because they said asking him to stop PMO was being unreasonable. So you really have to be careful.

 

My bf's therapist even was "oh my husband and i watch porn" which pissed me the hell off bc I wanted to scream well lady I've never had a guy have to watch other ppl f in order to f me so sorry it's not happening. But then she redeemed herself and said but if it's causing problems then it's a problem. No shit really??!!

 

You're absolutely right. Finding a competent therapist is a perilous, but ultimately worthwhile effort. You really have to shop around, read reviews, and interview them before you schedule that first appointment.

 

That disgusts me.

 

Maybe it's time for a new therapist?