Question on sexual abuse and post effects

I have a thought, the cells in your body has changed, you are not the same as the 7 or 8 yo anymore, the cells die and rebuild everyday in your body(not sure I didn't finish school) but the point is every day is a new day every moment is a new moment hold yourself up and love your scar.

 

Hi there
I think in all honesty it might be a good idea to speak to someone better qualified than us to see what's goin on with you.
My ex girlfriend was sexually abused as a child and she had many emotional problems and intimacy issues as am adult. I'm not saying that you suffer the same and not all victims of abuse respond the same but there is always some form of trauma there... even if it's repressed.

I hope you are ok and if you can talk to someone skilled then you should. Better to address this sooner than later as it has potential to negatively influence your life.

Best wishes

 

Yes, abuse changes us! The changes are different for each person, but they can be worked through. Some victims withdraw like turtles, while others act out and share the stink like skunks. The majority of abusers are victims of abuse, but many victims do not abuse and can become very sensitive to unfortunate underdogs and other victims.
It would be interesting to know if or how your cousin had been abused. He may have been passing on the curse. It sounds like what you did later with his sister was more mutual investigation than abuse. In the family, it may have been labeled as abuse, or you may have felt such guilt on being caught, that you saw it as abuse. How old was she? For it to be abuse, there needs to be a difference in age, size, status, rank, etc., where one person manipulates, forces,or uses another person for their own pleasure.

Talking helps you process, you've taken a big step, this is generally an open caring fellowship, where you could do some processing. There is no way to know the number, but I would imagine that there are many former victims here, and many others who can also listen and encourage.
I don't know if you are a reader, but there are many books on the subject. Most are about women, but more are coming out about men. It could also be researched on the internet cautiously, as it could set off triggers and urges. I was used by an older cousin, and for years I considered it mutual investigation. I came to see it as abuse; I was used. That realization helps me understand my solitary life for the next 3 years. Now, decades later, I can see how I am now better in some ways than I would have been without that experience.

 

Good for you man. Glad you are turning the corner. And I agree with all you wrote.

 

The cells are not the same, but memories and scars can last a lifetime!

 

I feel the same and I believe my past abuse/trauma has contributed to this feeling. Sometimes it's hard to look back and see how much an event has truly changed us. I can relate to looking at the past and thinking "did what happen truly impact me negatively?" The answer is yes, it did. It has severely impacted my willingness to trust other people. I've gone to therapy for it but therapy doesn't remove the wounds or the pain. No, therapy is something which helps you manage your life despite the trauma. Did it help? Yes. I went to therapy and I found it extremely helpful, so if you haven't gone then I would recommend checking it out.

Do I believe I'm cursed or doomed to never have a healthy relationship with another person or to always feel unrelateable? No. I can have a healthy relationship and much more, but it's going to require me to be vulnerable which is like climbing a mental Mount Everest.

Some days I read this to remind myself of what's important:

 

With time and work, you can come to realize that you may have been a victim, but you survived. Now, you really are a heroic survivor of a very bad experience. It was done to you, you could not stop it, but you survived it; you have nothing to feel guilty about. Because of your experience, you have become a stronger person. You can use that with others, help them prevent abuse, confront abusers, and heal.
Go for it.

 

If this is all that happened then you DID NOT abuse your cousin. It was just play acting.

Whether playing doctors and nurses, or show me yours - I'll show you mine, or the ol' meeting up behind the bike sheds or any number of similar games - kids are always play acting things they've either seen adults do, or are just plain curious about.

Play acting a wedding, then getting naked and a bit of touching is the innocent, curious play of children. It is not remotely sexual.

You didn't give any details of what your cousin did to you, or his age when he did it, so I cannot comment on whether or not that part constituted genuine abuse.

Frankly speaking you might just be making a mountain out of a mole hill.

 

Look elsewhere. Or as my father would say - just stop acting like a dick.

Imho introspection is not a healthy past-time for men. Remind yourself how a gentleman ought to behave and then just get back to doing it. Problem solved.

 

Yes, that and everyone telling men they should always express/share their feelings. I personally think constantly sharing your feelings, for men, just saps us of our strength. Sure, sometimes it's needed, but I believe those moments were never ment to be a common occurrence amongst men.

 

Therapy helps you move from a victim mentality to a victorious survivor mentality. The extremes of denying or inventing feelings are not helpful, but becoming aware of your feelings is.
If you felt sexually used by an older, larger or stronger cousin, you were abused. You do not have to continue with a victim mentality, but without healing, it can transform into other mental and physical problems. I know a person whose medical expenses after insurance have been the #1 item on their monthly expenses for years now. It is all the result of serious sexual abuse. Most abuse is not that serious, but like any infection, if not treated, it can grow.
Sometimes talking it through with a good friend is adequate. Books can also help. Ignoring a condition does not often fix it well.
I wish you the best of luck on your healing. If you survived what he did to you, you are a survivor!

 

How is it possible to say such a thing without knowing what his cousin actually did to him? Where is there any justification for using the strong, loaded words: "victim", "survivor" here?

He did describe what happened with his other cousin and that was perfectly innocent, normal, childlike behavior.

 

If he "felt like a prostitute," I assumed that something happened beyond children's curiosity. If, as he said, it was something that his cousin had done to him, then it was not something that they did together, so it was not mutual exploration.
The victim-survivor vocabulary is based on the perceptions of the one who felt, as he said, "used and left."
Please reread his opening post. We do not know all the details, but we know his feelings, and he did not feel like an equal partner, collaborating in the activity.

 

I have re-read his OP.

How can a 7 or 8 year old boy "feel like a prostitute"? It is absurd. Those are clearly words coming from the post-hoc rationalization of an adult, as he admits himself in the OP.

And this is the same person who calls his innocent, naked, play-acting with a girl when 9 years old "sexual abuse".

I hope he will explain what his cousin did to him. I strongly suspect, as with the girl experience, it is something trivial that has been blown up over time in his mind.

Rather than feed his current victim identity - with words like victim & survivor - far better he understands that nothing bad actually happened and he has nothing to feel bad or ashamed about.