Question for partners of PAs

It's the lying.
And it's comes in all forms.
From "I'm pooping" - your looking at p and ming in the bathroom.
To "honey I'm tired tonight, I don't want to have sex".... Half truth... Real truth... Because I was jacking off all day to cheerleaders.
It makes us feel closed off and unworthy of your time.
Unworthy of you.
Unworthy of us.
Unwanted.
Unappreciated.
Unfuckable.
Sorry, don't really got another word there.
We don't care what you looked at... We want to know sometimes so we can keep the lying straight from now on.
We don't care what you snowballed into content wise.
The M bothers us because it kept you from being intimate with us.
Whether or not P Was involved.
That's what is so bad, but not why it hurts.
And would it bother us if P was involved but never M?
Or vice versa?
That depends on your relationship and how you make it work.
But the lying.
The lying is the worst part.
Lying and dishonesty from here on out will make it worse too.
That's MY two cents.
Honesty is key.

 

I agree with Kenzi it's the lying. For me, I told my husband when we met trust and honesty are the most important things to me, and if you tell me the truth, I may be hurt but I won't be mad. I rather be hurt with the truth than happy living a lie. Lying completely destroys trust, and without trust there cannot be a relationship. So lying was the most damaging. It's been over a year since he PMO'ed and we are still building trust because it's hard to earn trust after it's been broken god knows how many times.

 

We are all going to answer these different, I'm sure, but maybe you will see some similarities.

What is the worst part of the PMO for partners? The lying, for sure. Loss of trust. I find it telling that you didn't mention it below as a reason. I don't think the PA often considers just how much damage the lying/hiding/covering up/secrets can do to a marriage. I do also have a problem with P in general for many reasons, one of them being I feel like it is cheating, and he knew that.

Is it the content of the P? The content bothers me some. He went down the progressive path. I mean the general content of P is why I have a problem with P, so yes, to an extent, but it is all the same to me, really. Just the fact that it is P is what I have a problem with, not what type he was watching.
The fact that your partner wants to see it regardless of content? Yep
Does the M bother you even if no P is involved? It never did before, but now it does, because the two are forever linked for me now after the PA.
Would it bother you if P was involved but never M? Yep, but the Ming to it is what makes it hurt more for me.

 

Also something I forgot to mention that hurt me a lot - him bringing things into the bed with us that he saw in porn and got into down that progressive path that porn does, that he was never into before.

 

Keep in mind that I have had some more time to heal than some of the other SOs.
My answers may not be the same if you asked me a year ago. 2 years ago.
My SO is much further into sobriety and I am starting to trust him again.
Not everyday.
But he has his moments.
I can only think of one other person on the forums to be able to say this.
And there were reasons you didn't share.
In whole truth?
P was a part of my relationship in the beginning.
It didn't work.
He took it as a permission grant because I was OK with it.
It's poison and it's like a 3rd person always there.
It really doesn't work.
And I Say this as someone who has been there too.
It's crowded.
I know polygamy is the new thing, but that's only because of P use and women and men need more novelty than ever.
The world is crashing.
It won't work.
The little things add up.
They are like little cuts. You give someone so many splinters you might as well stab them with a sword.
And nobody wants to share their favorite thing. Would you like to share your wife for hours a day?
Probably not.
Especially if it was taking time out of intimacy with you.
Even if it had the potential to.
It's where it is for her.she needs time to heal
And you should support that
This post is a good start

 

Does She see you rebooting?
How far are you into your Reboot?
And she's entitled to ask questions and go through her own Grieving.
It's Natural.

 

wow @Kenzi I never connected those dots. it seems that polyamory, swinging, high-class sex parties and the like are hugely booming. I didn't connect it to the explosion of porn and the increased need for novelty. great observation.

interestingly, all the poly activities require women too, not just men. so are the women now being dragged into this abyss directly?- not "just" as the casualties of PMO addiction? what happens when poly & swinging becomes too vanilla? maybe the next phase is the sex-robots...

you're right - the world is crashing.

 

I actually wrote a paper on this in college.
Was my thesis.
#BOOM

 

#BOOM indeed!!! I am amazed more by you almost every day...

where do you see the trajectory going.... and finally crashing?

 

Wall-E
With sex robots.
Lololololol

 

@phuck-porn!
Seriously if you haven't seen it, rent it and watch it.
It's a OMG this is it.
With sex robots.
No joke.
Give us.... 500 years or so minimum to start/really take off.
Back when I wrote my paper... Diabetes wasn't a issue in childhood like today.
Or kids at 3 screaming for their tablets.
We now are also dismissing climate change..
Now I can sum it up with the movie.
But yes... I totally saw this coming and I'm sort of laughing about it.

 

Be prepared for her to possibly come around.
She's grieving.
It happens in waves and stages