Purpose and Pitfalls of Transmutation

I've been working through a relationship with sex for several years now.

My purpose is as follows: Teach, write and raise a family.

I want to empower others into deep purpose and openness though transcendence of their limits and fears. To overcome the trauma and abuse I faced as a child by raising a family with passion, love, strength and wisdom. And to create words and stories, poetry of depth, humour and the power of transformation.

Here's my story, or some of it. I have been using porn since I was 11, and active sexually since I was 13. My father discoverded both activities and that led to a lot of shaming. My childhood was less than ideal. Quite some violence from both my parents. And between them. Three major times they parted and came back together. My father married and divorced twice in between. Both had addictions. Ranging from alcohol to cocaine. Both had their demons. Irish Catholic families. Both Grandfathers faced violence and alcoholism in their lives. One was a badly abused orphan. My Grandmother was also abandoned by her parents. So, a difficult family history, though there is a great strength, dignity and potential brilliance in them all, alongside the darkness. I was homeless a lot as a teenager. And I was kicked out a lot. I guess because of the acting out. My father, whom I love, was frequently violent. Attaching me up until the age of 21, when I overpowered him in a car park after he hit me with a hook. He despised my poetry, desire to write. If I sing, he becomes violent and aggressive. That day in the car park, when I overpowered him - my own father - was simultaneously one of the most horrific, agonizing and liberating moments of my life. In my teenage years, I turned to violence, sex, and drugs. I've slept with many women. Likely some hundreds. I've fallen in love twice. Deeply. And both times blew it up. Couldn't own my own demons, let alone beat them. I used these extremes and the pain to feed my ambitions and creativity as a poet, writer, and teacher. I did well in a strange Frankensteinian sense. Achieving high grades, and becoming one of the top students in my faculty. I was being mentored for a scholarship at Cambridge. But it wasn't meant to be. My first chosen purpose and career exploded when I was still in Unversity. My behaviours led me down dark paths, and I lost all that I had gained through destructive behaviours. The demons all caught up with me. I hurt someone. And suffered the consequences.


After that time, around seven years ago, I began doing deep transformational work. I rediscovered my faith. Yoga. Meditation. Martial Arts. Study of every book I could get my hands on. Watched course after course. From spiritual and psychological texts, to seminars on purpose and radical honesty. I began meditating outside, even in the frost or rain for up to an hour at a time. I came to study the work of David Deida deeply and extensively. Testing and experimenting with all the principles and practices he suggested. This led to taking long Pilgrimages alone. Walking for weeks on end without a map or money between holy sites, and meeting spiritual teachers, such as Satish Kumar. Eventually, I begun undertaking Vision Quests, periods of several days and nights alone in the forest without food or anything beyond bottled water and the emptiness of solitude. What the German's call Waldensamkeit. A state the †rancendent power of which Emerson, Rilke and many other great souls spoke of often and with intensity. Through time and persistence, and with much help I've overcome many of my limitations and addictions.

I've now been in a committed relationship for over a year. I've begun offering myself as a guide for men seeking deep transformation and purpose. Many people have thanked me for this. To further this work, I've begun Leading Vision Quests and Men's groups and workshops. I've created a podcast to offer all the lessons and experience I have had in the hopes it will help others through their transformations and journey. As well as interviewing and sharing the stories of others who are living lives of purpose, despite their human frailties and fallibilities.
I continue to write, but admittedly the efforts to create stability in my life seem to have stalled the excesses which have fed the fuel what I felt to be the most powerful stories and poetry that have come through me. These moments and works, despite the inevitable pain which comes with them, often led to my heart experiencing rare feeling of ultimate oneness - of divinity, transcent oneness.
With pornography and sex, I've had successes from 100 days without porn.
Practicing tantric yoga, building up to full body orgasms for myself and my partner through practicing divine intimacy, sublimation and ejaculation bypass. Deep love and bliss has come from the practices and realisation of these intentions, and I am a deeply blessed man to have a woman, beautiful and talented, who loves and trusts me so.

My journey continues, I find myself falling back into binges of porn. Often after several weeks of success. Especially when I wrestle with depression, which I have done all my life. Despite going to great lengths to heal, forgive and create a powerful vision supported by disciplines. I wrestle with extreme feelings of desire for other women. When I sublimated for three months, my nightly dreams became full of orgies, affairs, sometimes sex with my girlfriend. When I was not dreaming of sex, I was having livid dreams of warfare. Killing hundreds night after night.

It's a strange dream we live in, and beautiful, terrible world.

I am here to help, and I must admit, I need support to keep this vision alive and moving forward. So, here I am, as I am. Use and abuse as you will.

The call is to Love the world - that in all likehood - won't love you back...

 

Why wait Vir Rex? In my humble opinion, I believe waiting to be closer to God is a mistake. God is within reach, right now. All you need to do is pay attention. Carl Jung said that most people do not find God because they do not look low enough. "Ne te quaesiveris extra" - Do Not Seek Outside Your Self. If you want to know what you should be doing, go and spend 24hrs in the forest on your own with just a tent, water and clothes to keep you warm. You will know what you need to do then.

Regarding my Vision Quest, I saw a great many things. I will write it up comprehensively at a later date and share it with you. I saw became a wolf and an eagle. I envisioned my body being eating by a demon woman with an enormous blade. After she sliced me in half from the forehead downward, slowly, she ate my fingers and toes while I was still alive, and I was consumed by maggots. At one point, I became a line of light that reached into the sky, I entered the body and cockpit of a fighter pilot who flew over where I sat beneath a tree. I felt every brush of the joystick and the warp of the G-Force, until I left the plane and flew out into the stratosphere. A family. A home by a lake I had built with my own hands from wood. And thousands I had given my life to.

After all these hallucinations, painful or beautiful, I dropped into a sense of absolute calm and presence.

The impulse in my life was clear to me. Teach. Write. Raise a family. Simple, yes. But living it is a far greater challenge. I know I want to teach what I have learned, and empower others to live their true purpose to share with them the means for spiritual growth, and sacred intimacy. To write such that it offers others transformation.

Now I am planning expeditions lead groups of men on Vision Quests. I began running Men's Circles where I teach what I have learned from David Deida. I coach individuals in realising their deep purpose and unique mission. I continue to write poetry, stories and articles and have begun a podcast as a platform to share my passions and the means of transformation with the world.

 

Urge for porn is very strong right now. The thought of beautiful women before me, in pleasure, open, with no objection of who I am... It is an immensely strong temptation.