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Prostitutes & Inner Demons

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by cucumbro, Sep 6, 2018.

  1. cucumbro

    cucumbro Fapstronaut

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    To begin: I got to 15 days before relapsing
    on a lonely Friday after walking the streets because of an irresistible urge to see a prostitute & lick her sweaty feet.

    I had a date planned in 6 days after that (first "real sexual interaction" since May) so i that's the max streak possible until I could meet her.
    At the start i couldn't get it up because of the alcohol combined with too much weed, but then i did shortly after cause she was helpful and, well, 6 days .I haven't trained against the post-"real-sex" chaser effect while greened out & drunk before so I relapsed again, but got back up to day 4 which is where my story actually begins...

    I was at a taco joint last night in the city when some random girl stopped me so we could both eat together. Her vibe was friendly but also a bit off and i didn't know why, but I passed it off as probably my imagination. She was also sweating a lot.
    Another dude (drunk) comes to sit with us & starts hitting on her and I'm not reacting to it or showing insecurity while wondering: "Why don't I just go home? What's keeping me here while she's being like this ? Do I have something to prove? Why am I still here if she's only average looking and kinda sloppy?", but he left & she shooed him away and told me I'm coming with her instead.
    So we're walking the streets but she's rude half the time. I threaten to leave a couple of times too cause I'm not having it but I then discover she's drunk and naturally like a fiery person so I'm like "Meh, that's probably her personality right now and I just need to be more of a 'Superior Man' (book by David Deida) & deal with the feminine essence with strength and acceptance" and then it became entertaining.

    We got to a bar when these 2 girls invited us both to come in & she was off dancing around so I talk to these other 2 girls instead since I wasn't too impressed by her. Other girls eventually leave since they thought this person was quote on quote 'my girl'. She starts arguing with me to buy her a drink and I tell her that I don't wanna be used & i don't know her, prove herself to me, so she explains how she bought that drunk dude food and explains how I don't seem like the kind of dude who'd use her, so I'm thinking like "Meh it's only $6.50 and she's trying so whatever, stop being so stingy and be a gentleman" and then we're sharing a drink while flirting.

    At the end of the night she's tossing herself at every dude so I'm like "fuck it, imma just enjoy the live band and talk to other customers" while an internal feeling of failure or inadequacy was building up inside of me behind the scenes even though I know she's beneath me. The group of guys/girls I'm talking with bring up how 'my girl' was leaving with some other dude & I'm like "nah she's not my girl, just some random".
    But For some reason I find myself get up and walk outside to that girl & the other dude she's with while anger starts to boil up... She starts telling me I'm ugly and a bunch of other nonsense insulting bullshit while the other dude was standing there genuinely worried about what was going on (he looked like he was afraid of me, I'm 6'3" and black). He even suggested not going home with her out of politeness!. Eventually she throws her shoe at me and punches me in the face and it was then my composure FINALLY BROKE!...

    So I kick her with my shin and throw her shoe at her a few times until she runs off to the dude crying because she can't find her shoe (I threw it under a parked truck out of sight, buy a new pair bitch, collateral damage for awakening my bad side). The group of people in the bar come outside and try to stop her from going with this dude since they like me more and want her to stay with us (apparently she spat in some other dude's mouth too?). Funny enough, the dude she was with actually had sympathy for me and said: "Man I've seen you in this bar and you're like... really solid man. This girl she's not solid at all compared to you, beneath you, but like you're the most solid dude here... DW I'm not gonna do anything with her, I sense something's going on with you both and strong emotions too, so I'll just walk her home safe ok?" and they left.

    I talk with those people for a bit since they were chill and friendly and luckily they didn't see what happened and then we all split.
    On my way home I was fantasizing about different ways of killing her mafia style wishing that I would have ACTUALLY left a mark on her while I imagine myself in these scenarios as the most notorious killer around while she begs for her life. At this point I was really in my imagination about how I could have just knocked her out so she'd have a life-long traumatic memory of me like some kind of demonic mark on her soul/consciousness. aaand then I call up a hooker at 3am, AGAIN!

    The hooker had nice sweaty-tasting feet,

    but she was rude while I was making small-talk and then she was like "Hey don't test me or I'll fucking kill you, ok? We need this room for the next person, ok bye". Boom my already wounded ego was re-irritated so I walk out to the hallway and confront her about I'm so tired of dealing with shit tonight and how people just need to be nice to eachother for once and connect better etc. & I slam the door on my way out. Afterwards my inner hatred comes up again so I'm texting the hooker "not to threaten me ever again and how that was belligerent AF & to be careful who she makes threats to & that I let her off easy this time as if she just escaped imminent danger" or something, leave her with some kind of 'morbid relief' like god chose to spare her or something, then I block her number and delete the textlog (as usual).
    I get home and I'm fapping nonstop until like 5 in the morning...

    ------------------------

    What is wrong with me? I clearly can get a date & girls into me. I'm 6'3", black, good looking, and slightly intimidating, yet underneath this calm relaxed and good-mannered self is a very proud demon that wants to break through my ethical code and destroy the world for some reason when I'm pushed too far. I don't have much reason to feel inadequate or see hookers on the regular. I'm beginning to fear that my inner shadow will overtake my general appreciation for humanity and I could turn into one of those dudes who ruins girls lives as a sadistic act of power or something... idk, maybe it's in my head because I'm born under a very very loving/sensitive astrological sign surprisingly enough.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 16, 2019
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  2. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

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    I don't have a lot of experience, but from what I can tell you need to get away from this kind of women.

    As you told in the story you figured out that she was kind of rude, so you should have left her already then - instead of staying with her.

    What I am saying, maybe you pick the wrong women - which creates a bigger problem for you? Because from what I can tell you are actually a great person, but bad people makes you angry - which I fully understand. But try maybe be a bit more careful when picking who to hang out with at the bar etc.

    Thats just how I see it, maybe I am wrong.
     
    cucumbro likes this.
  3. As maybe an obvious hindsight it would have been better if you could have rejected her company when you met her. Easy to say afterwards of course. Do you remember what exactly was the feeling that got you to hang out with her? I mean you said you had a hunch that something might be a bit off, but what was the feeling you had what made you decide to get along with her? Knowing this might save you a lot of trouble in future.

    Also, later on when she screwed around the bar and you felt inadequate in some way. This raised a thought in me that, consciously or unconsciously, you might be trying to validate yourself through women. I don't blame you for having those feelings, since she kinda seemed to be a good manipulator, knowing what switches to pull and when, to make people chase her. If there is any intimate/sexual attraction it is easy to feel bad when something like that happens. One thing, which can be impossible now, is to try to not take it too personally. She has probably as many or more demons than you have, because that kind of activity does not represent a balanced mind.

    Which one is it, maybe Cancer? I have been studying astrology for a little while and usually like to vacuum every bit of information i can.

    Anyway, i hope you can see the problems underneath, which raises those demons of yours. Strength and patience to you!
     
    Jennica likes this.
  4. cucumbro

    cucumbro Fapstronaut

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    You have a point looking back on it (I still get a satisfying rush of energy from imagining her showing up at that bar again "hey bitch remember me?" WHAM, broken nose, wakes up, confused, i'm long gone, she's too afraid to ever come back to the area, probably changes her ways out of pure trauma).

    But for some reason I was looking at her attitude as: "typical drunk female testiness" that I had to be "strong enough" to handle or else I'm too weak for the turbulent feminine essence (like from the 'Superior Man' book).

    Idk it's like where do I draw the line between actual disrespect towards me and women just testing you to see if you're man enough? It's hard to tell since shit tests are inevitable. Part of me thinks I should have left immediately while another part thinks I'm judging humanity too hard for being themselves and just being too wimpy to bear the storm.

    There's a fine line between the definition of a resilient 'Superior Man' vs. a complacent doormat so it's like if I tell her to shut up, am I being reactive/sensitive or.. am I respecting myself by putting her back in her place? On the other hand am I being a superior man by not reacting or am I being a doormat who's letting her run wild on you?
    After all, if she's being disrespectful then it's usually because you haven't inspired that sense of "fear/danger" into her so she wants to try. Like if someone's being rude then it's kinda my fault & I have to restore the balance or something or retake the throne or whatever.
    :p
     
  5. cucumbro

    cucumbro Fapstronaut

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    I'm a Pisces sun, but with a Leo moon
     
  6. That's cool, I'm Pisces sun too! Some people on the internet say though that Pisces can be the healer, but when imbalanced they can become more of a psychos. There's probably a bit of humor in that, but also a seed of truth i think:D I've had long lasting revenge fantasies when i felt someone has wronged me.
     
    cucumbro likes this.
  7. If they make you dislike them, i would say. You have no obligations to go through that test if you don't like, so you don't have to deal with it. I think that women who are worth your while don't do that immediately when you meet them. I'd say don't overthink too much about whether you are worthy or not by that test. You are valuable even without external confirmation. Learn what things in people, and overall, interest you and make your decisions from that. Don't waste your energy on people who are there just to drain it, or don't offer anything back to you.
     
  8. Hitto

    Hitto Fapstronaut

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    I think you need to relax my guy and work on yourself and find what is haunting you to have these violent thoughts and feelings of inadequacy. Work on staying sober from pmo to get some self knowledge lust brings us down to low frequencies.I thought that having multiply women and sex will fill this void but it doesn’t if you are a man of faith seek Gods guidance and repent if not try to become the best version of yourself there maybe some areas of life you have been ignoring that would give you much more fulfillment because using things outside of yourself for validation never lasts
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 16, 2019
  9. GA93JDeereboy

    GA93JDeereboy Fapstronaut

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    Be the bigger man and control your temper. Don't spend your money on the escort ladies if you are capable of meeting and attracting women which sounds like you got that in you.
    Don't hit women or anything like that. There can be criminal punishment and onlookers or bystanders may go at you if they see that and it's just not right. They can say what they want to say, they can hit you whatever. You can hold them back from hitting but don't hit. There are better ways to handel these things and violence isn't it.
     
  10. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

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    It is important to not let people over run you or disrespect you. But don't let their disrespecting attitude start. Get away from disrespecting people before they already have started to disresepect you. Then you won't need to disresepect them back in any way and you can most likely live a life with more positive energy around you.

    Most likely she already got huge problems on her own, and don't know how to deal with it. But she was not really asking for help, she was dealing with her problems in a really bad and disrespectful way. Sadly thats when people get distant to you.

    I had once a girl in my life who was in many ways disresepecting me. She was not rude, but she was distant even tho I was trying my best for the two of us to work out. The problem was that she did not know that herself, how much it broke me when she ignored me, so what worked for me was to really tell her that I did not want to deal with people that ignores me. And she actaully felt sorry, she did not know. But sometimes we either have to make it clear to them, or we have to run away.

    So I really hope you get away from people like that faster from now on! I wish you the best! :)
     

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