Pressure Pressure and Pressure

I feel like someone having a gun into my head is the only way for me to function as a normal human being, and that gun seems to be there now but it has to be my own self holding it cause it feels like he not gonna do nothing with it, how is it possible that i never tried myself at anything for real, i never tried to be a good student, a good football player never put real effort at anything. Never had any goals, i was just flowing in life with a mentality that, yo bro you are smart you are good person everything gonna be fine just do nothing.Master procrastinator, my brain could even tell me that i can cheat time and do the thing that is supposed to be done today,tommorow in order to avoid putting the effort, for God sake i was 4 years old and could read the newspaper upside down without mumbling and i could also write, every teacher saying to my parents that i am 3 years ahead of the others that i am the genius the smartest,but i have to look into the class and not outside the window.My math teacher gave me 10 out of 20 and called my mother to say "your son is a math genius" so how can he have that terrific grade, he is doing literally nothing, and thats what i am doing forever, i dont plan i dont take action i dont think ahead i am just doing nothing, whenever there is mental or general effort to be done that is more than what my 0.001 thought process can do i wont reach the next milisecond leveling myself that its not worrth it for some reason. High school girls where into me when i was not even 12 years old.Then a specific thing happened, i went into a psychological problem, me who was not even conscious that i have a heart or something, was scared that i gonna die, that i have heart problem, this phase lasted more than 2 years and i have a blank memory on these years expect the multiple every day panic attacks, the awful moments i got into, social moments, for example acting like a crazy monkey in front of a relative and begging him to take me to hospital ( now laughing and crying at the same time as i write and remember this things.lol) whatever was my new fear i would get myself to feel all the symptoms, i was playing football for amateur league and thought i might die on the pitch because i heard that it happened to some players.And what will parents do, they will blame it on me, i remember her forcing me to "realize" that everything was on my mind and i was healthy by shouting and screaming and blaming me like this is how you treat a 16 years old teenager with mental illness, she is still proud that she took me to a psychologist and rubs it into my face every time like there was any other real option, i dont even remember this guys face or what he told me. I was moving into life like a zombie after this like i had no fire inside of me, i was no longer into that deep sad mode but still something felt like wrong or not how it should be, nothing could excite me, anyway i took my English degree my driving license passed the Country exams and got into a university that has nothing to do with what i want to do and i can not have less interest about, a guy that was not doing nothing for his life and in his life for his whole f**ing lifetime now wont be satisfied with the 550$ basic salary, my mentality has shifted to something like go ultra nuts all or nothing fight style mode, i dont know how many times i have wrote this post and never pressed the button,trying to pretend that everything is going well and lying to myself.That nothing of this things plays a role while the truth might be that these events make me what i am now.Like,trying to look at this thing objectively maybe it is depression or something.If genetics play a role why not, my mother told me that she tried suicide 2 times as a teenager without nobody ever noticing, recently she admitted to me that sometimes it just feels good if she died, i dont even know if i am crossing lines with the things i type here but not going back now, she even said to me like 3-4 times now that if something happens to her its gonna be my fault, and that is supposed to act as a willpower for me to act on my life, am i the emotional teenager the kid that feels that this is F*** up while i should just say yeah you right i will be a better son now so you dont have to suicide and be proud of me mom.Now my depressed personality is motivated to make a comeback, feel like she is f**ing me up my whole life, telling me how useless i am at every chance saying that every other man similar to my age -+3 years is better, why i have these kids and the other woman has better, why X man does that and you cant do nothing, driving 4 hours to my hometown and with the excuse of that i can dodge her any other time expect now she took it non-stop for all the 240 minutes, our house is 2 floors with the stairs being outside, and its like 10 years that i eat down with grandpa-ma every time, i do my bath there too, i try to sleep there too as much as possible, and when they ask me, "they have the salad there" " the bath is hotter down " the sleep is cooler down there"
It was so easy for me to realize that i am not making this decisions ultimately conciously every time and that my inner me just says, this is not "home" "home" is down.So easy.I know there is some kind of love in this, parent love that i have no way of knowing how it is yet and it is an ultimate life goal for me to be able to have kids.But this just does not feel like it from my perspective i dont feel support coming from almost no source in my life. So when she asked me one day if i feel like abandoned or that i was not treated well etc, i know that if i said any of these things above it could be a final blow for her, she did not achieve what she wanted in life, her life is not happy and i just know what is happening behind everything, she just puts her hopes on me so she can feel fulfilled, and thats my pressure guys. And what is my """""""genius"""""" plan, to risk everything and go for a Poker pro career, w33ha, now some of you, if anybody made it this far into this paranoia might assume that this is some sort of gambling.and can cause addiction or that you dont win and all these things.None of these are true, depending on the approach, the only defeat you can get from there is to lose time, but guess what is the biggest factor to succeed there.... mental game, discipline, inteligence, work ethic, technical knowledge, luck. All these great assets that follow me from the day i was born. All this time i was just sitting upon my parents money for "studies" in this university that makes the best waitresses and basic salary workers for lifetimes if you are not there from pure motivation and high goal-driven mentality. The poker dream thing is to be independent at first, as i am(bit above struggling) the last 5 months that my bank was dead but i dont wanna take 1$ more from the house.They dont even know that i am on my own all this time and that the money are gone,i cant share no goals with them they laugh if i even say i want to do something else or that i want to be independent. I was breaking-even for a long time,my mental things following me into the game, only moving up 50$ per month, now made my first 1500$, My confidence of beating my competion at the limit i am at now is extremely high,with good volume, good mentality, work, taking all that as solid values, my monthly might wager to something like 400-$ - 1200+$ per month. This is not a life goal, to spend life having that profession, is a tool to help me transist to something else that will aspire me on that journey, but i am fine with how long it might last as i will be trying to improve myself.I started so many things at the same time, i do NoFap i do Cold Showers i do Gym i do Intermittent Fasting. I am doing this guys any alternative is f*** up, you aspire to become a professional gambler and indeed it is your best option DAMN, this is an ultimate reality for me now, i can see myself happy in the future if i meet my goals. I have no idea what all this looks for anybody reading these things. i am not even double checking what i spammed here, but i am looking forward for your replies for sure, Good Night NoFap community, hope this does not f me up for tommorows work.

 

I can relate to him to an extend(small). You are right that is what i am doing for a while now but my progress is babysteps to say the truth.