Premature Ejaculation

Hey guys,

11 days into a new streak after caving at the end of a 2 month streak - disappointed that I couldn't make it a completely porn free year but trying not to let black / white thinking mess me up. Anyway the craving for p hasn't been terrible yet (although, as always, it will be). I was edging in bed w/o porn a few nights ago and randomly decided to say f it and go for it. Wish I hadn't but at the same time I'm trying to find a solution to caving and feel it's better to start with MO w/ no P instead of going HM and inevitably caving (have a gf but we've both been busy and sex life has been non-existent). I was edging about 2 nights ago and for the first time I came (a very small amount) without O. It was very strange and pretty sure its the first time it ever happened - I was M'ing and suddenly felt a little sticky fluid so stopped.

This has been a persistent problem during my recovery - the constant edging in bed. I do it to replace the night cap that porn provides and mostly fantasize about screwing other women but just end up sore and frustrated and closer to PMO the next day bc I feel all worn out (dick is numb). This is, I think, one of the major factors behind my P compulsion - the desire to have casual encounters with random women that I never did before settling into a LTR (only had about 3 partners in my life). Has anyone here had a lot of experience with casual sex and found it fulfilling / unfulfilling? Sometimes I'm burning inside with angst - I want to sow wild oats but am old (34), don't feel attractive / desirable to women and, a little side note, love my partner dearly and would never want to hurt her. So P seems like the obvious solution right? Therein lies the dilemma...

 

Yeah...I don't know how you got to rape from "screwing other women" but that's a pretty big jump. Perhaps you're having rape fantasies and are uncomfortable with them so you're projecting @TomMoin? I have all kinds of fantasies when it comes to sex just like every other human being on this planet (rape fantasies included) and have been able to avoid much guilt because they are fantasies and harm no one. Please don't come at people in an accusatory way with your baggage on here - these forums are a place to help and heal.

 

Thanks for the reply Bobby - you bring up a great point and to be clear, I am sexually attracted to my girlfriend but actually having sex can feel like way more of an investment of time and energy and the possibility of rejection and a whole slew of other things that make porn so tempting to me as to many other men. When in the middle of a good streak, the frequency would occasionally rise from average but was generally 2-3 times a month, so not often. The thing is it didn't matter bc the sex was incredible and I made a point to record it in my journal soon after ("don't jerk off, it's worth the wait, this is what you want" or along these lines). I want to get to that place again and stay there (a healthy sex life with my gf) but I always seem to cave in to PMO around 2 weeks for a number of reasons - could be the fantasies about porn got to me, could be I asked and was rejected by gf, could be that I happen to not be particularly attracted enough to gf at the moment to make the effort but still want to reawaken my libido using P, could be I just relapsed and feel like I should just give up and go the easy way with P, could be I'm craving variety and having trouble with my aforementioned obsession with sowing wild oats and having experience with a wider variety of girls...etc. There is definitely a pattern of thinking while away from porn for long enough and either being around other women or being isolated at home away from other women: "porn is your only way out, if you give up porn, it's one woman for the rest of your life...", and even at the ripe old age of 34, this scares the shit out me my friend.

 

When you say 2-3 times a month is "too little for my age" I'm curious to know how old you are and what you consider to be a normal frequency for people in an 8 yr. relationship. Have you ever been in a long term relationship? Too little for my age as in - too old for that or too young for that? Also curious to know how you back up your claim about the natural intended frequency of human orgasms. There's a lot of pseudo science in the NF community the often starts with "humans aren't made to" with little scientific backing.

To answer your other questions, no we are not obese nor do we have have bad communication skills. I would go so far as to say we have excellent communication skills, are both aware that our sex life is not amazing and continue trying to work on how we communicate our needs to one another and set time aside. When we actually do make time, it is often amazing sex and she can get very into it, so I don't think it's that she doesn't like it but I would say that we have a very different idea of how frequently we'd like it to happen. We've been living at her mother's house for the past 4 yrs. and will be moving into a house of our own this year, so I've always suspected that this has seriously gotten in the way of things even though we have our own floor and the mother is out often. My gf does have a very stressful job that easily follows her outside of work so, yes, stress is a big factor. I honestly don't think it's abnormal for one's physical attraction to their partner to wane or for someone to become occasionally bored after 8 yrs. - maybe I'm deluded but from what I understand the divorce rate hasn't risen so rapidly because married couples are fucking each other's brains out 7 days a week. I'd say it's a major factor in the compulsive, escapist behavior many of us on here are dealing with.

 

First of all, I'm happy for you - you should feel fortunate that you've had such a deep connection with your gf's and that physical beauty didn't seem to be an issue in the slightest for you after a certain point. That's the true love everyone's looking for, right? It also sounds like your libidos have been perfectly matched with all of the women you've been in relationships with, having not been rejected for sex once in all of those relationships (save for the periods). You must be a damn fine lover bobbybooyah. Any woman is lucky to have you.

So considering these past relationships (not sure if you're in one now), what brings you to this site? Why would you choose stupid, fake, childish, shallow porn over either maintaining or seeking out another high quality relationship with regular sex?

I think its possible to feel attracted to your partner, to feel like you know them, to understand what that feeling is like and, as you seem to have been able to do, to hold onto it, and to still find yourself battling porn addiction whether you're in a great relationship, in a shitty relationship or in no relationship. I wont argue with you that sex 2-3 times a month isn't a lot, and I don't know where you were at in your life when you were in these relationships, but the stresses of everyday life take a toll on anyone's sex life. To be honest, a big reason that timing it is so difficult is that, almost like clockwork, I get extremely anxious, irritable and exhausted after sex and it can last the whole day, making work almost impossible and making me lash out over just about anything. I know this and she is also aware of it to some extent, even though I've tried to hide it because I didn't want it to be a deterrent from sex. It basically rules out the morning or afternoon on a weekday because I'm fucked up the entire day afterward and can't think straight, and at night we're both exhausted from work and not in the mood. Occasionally one of us gives it a shot and the other reciprocates and it's almost always amazing sex, as previously mentioned. But the frequency suffers.

I am NOT whining because I've been occasionally rejected by my gf and I think its absurd to think that my partner may not love me because she won't fuck me everytime I ask her to - recovering porn addict or not. Porn is a very different thing than sex and it satisfies a selfish and perverse craving - something I'm guessing you know very well. It's perfectly natural, no matter how old you are or how long you've been in a relationship, to fantasize about other people and to yearn for new experiences.

 

1. I'm glad to hear that you wanted to improve your life without doing it out of necessity. I can't say the same for myself - my life isn't exactly falling apart bc of porn (which is part of what makes it hard to quit), but it has been seriously keeping me from growing in myriad ways.

2. Frankly, I have no idea. I don't think I'm alone though - almost every account I've read in the NF community clearly mentions "brain fog" lasting a long time after sex - i.e. extreme exhaustion and the inability to concentrate. This, for me, can lead to a lot of frustration bc I'm basically unable to think, feel out of control, and this leads to anger. It goes beyond this though. I'm an anxious person in general and have suffered extreme panic attacks in the past due to excessive drinking (alcohol) and I'm sure this is tied to it. I've read about others experiencing it online but, yes, I probably suffer from it way more than normal and I'm not sure how to fix it.

3. That's great that you able to find a balance in your life with all that stress. For me and her, I see it more as a constant feeling that we need to be working in our off hours and this makes it hard to relax.