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Possible Porn Addiction; making it hard to enjoy my relationship.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Niroshin, Feb 20, 2019.

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  1. Feb 20, 2019 #1
    Niroshin

    Niroshin New Fapstronaut

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    My boyfriend (of 4 years) and I have been having issues with a possible case of him having porn addiction. Now I don't think looking at it is bad in itself but when it takes higher priority than our relationship its a problem.

    The question keeps boiling down to: what do we want? What's the middle ground?

    Mines always been honesty, loyalty and no more lies.

    His is "I want you to be happy and confident."

    Both have been a huge hurdle because, well I'm super depressed and he just has a tendency to lie about the smallest things and depend on external sources; porn, ero-cosplay, etc.

    My therapist deduced that what he said was more of a "I want you to be confident so you wont have as much of a bad outlook onto what I'm doing." and that "In constantly relying or going after these things, is taking any or all attention or energy away from you. You feel neglected." And I don't disagree with her, he doesn't either but also genuinely wants happiness and comfort-ability between us.

    I'm coming to the end of my sick leave so I won't be able to see him, if at all, so I fear he'll just fall back into everything. The whole "if she doesn't see/know, it won't hurt her." That no change will really happen.

    Lately it's been so difficult for me to enjoy or reach for any intimacy or romance or hell, even comfort because my mind is so clouded with what could happen. I'm too scared to ask for reassurance or even an answer. I know that this isn't in my control, but I don't know what to do. We live together so it's not like we can, or should avoid it.

    I'm really not sure what to do. I don't want to "forget" and act like things are fine when they aren't.

    I have offered and asked if he would consider seeing someone about it, or even couples therapy. He's been such an advocate for changing and growing but holds back so I don't think he will. He hasn't really said yay or nay either.

    I'm stuck. I want to love this man, I want him to love me. But we also want to overcome our flaws, our problems but don't know what else to do.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2019
    Niroshin, Feb 20, 2019
    Niroshin, Feb 20, 2019
    #1
  2. Feb 20, 2019 #2
    ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    Looking at porn and masturbating while looking at other people is basically cheating. As long as he won't accept that, it's unlikely he'll change.
     
    ultrafabber, Feb 20, 2019
    ultrafabber, Feb 20, 2019
    #2
    NamaClature14 likes this.
  3. Feb 20, 2019 #3
    Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Guest

    First off. It really takes alot of courage and openness to put yourself and your relationship out there, to ask for help. Good for you. That's a big deal! Now what I'm going to tell you isn't meant to be hurtful or personal, this is an honest outsiders opinion from someone who is also a man living with his girlfriend and quitting porn.
    You want change, you obviously are feeling a lack of connection and it's quite clear you're unhappy. The man you are with however, from your perspective, does not see or feel the need to change like you do. Some people are better talkers than others and can lead others on for years, even decades with empty promises. But in the end it's not what he says or what his intentions are, it's what he does. Bottomline

    The other thing you have to see is that you are attempting to love a person that doesn't fully exist right now. You don't love him entirely for what he is, which is why you are struggling. (And that is ok) I'm not telling you to compromise the kind of relationship you desire, I'm telling you the man before you isn't fully accepted for who he is. If he was, you wouldn't want to change him.
    Take a minute to see, I'm not telling you you are wrong in this what so ever. What im attempting to show you is expectations can lead to a disconnect from what IS. Porn has a unique ability to destroy intimacy in relationships, cause perverted sexual tastes, enduce erectile dysfunction and flat out take the energy away from a couple. You.Are.Not.Wrong. in wanting your partner's full commitment and love. Majority of people I would say truly do want that.
    But he isn't compelled to change anything about his life or his habits, he obviously doesn't see it. So perhaps it's time to start looking at the man he IS, instead of the man your wishing he would be. People won't change usually until they see a reason too or fear losing something.. He gets a girlfriend at home and his porn. Why change? He doesn't fear losing you or value you more than porn at the moment. . That's the truth.

    Now knowing the truth your first duty. Everyone's first duty, is to themselves. This isn't selfish it's self-care. Until you stop putting up with this shit and quit rolling over, don't expect him to change.
    If he's willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, and ACTUALLY DOES IT, than that's a different story. Then he values you more than his lust for other women.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2019
    Deleted Account, Feb 20, 2019
    Deleted Account, Feb 20, 2019
    #3

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