Positive Shift - Let's see if a journal works

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Reboot Logs' started by Majik, Nov 12, 2018.

  1. Majik

    Majik Fapstronaut

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    This is not the first time that I have sought out and used a forum to try and help me quit porn. I was a member of the Mark Manson forum a few years ago. There was a great sense of camaraderie there. It was sad when he updated his website and decided to do away with it. I never really found an equivalent that I felt was as accessible. A few years have passed since then, but I don't feel that my P use has got any better. Recently, however, it does seem to have gotten a lot worse!

    I like the idea of keeping a journal. This summer I have started to regularly write one for myself. Not necessarily every day, but frequently. For me it is a great way of emptying the thoughts from inside my head, and really helps with trying to make sense of them. A form of personal catharsis and therapy. I have had brief flirtations with it before, but this summer really has been a time of personal reflection, taking a step back from the grind of life to reassess where I am going and what it is that I want to do. The eternal question!

    It took me all the way until October before I started to realise that maybe my constant use of P was a contributing factor to my downward spiral. Maybe not even a spiral, but falling back into the "rut", where I feel that I have found myself in consistently over the last few years. In fact it is difficult to try and work out when and for how long I have been there. When there is a lot more going on around me, or I have a lot more to do, it kind of distracts me from it. I have never been an alcoholic, and I cannot begin to know what that must be like, but I guess that I am maybe the P equivalent of a functioning alcoholic. I am sure that others could identify with that. Most of the time over the years it didn't seem to affect me, or that was how I perceived it, but recently I was starting to break down, mentally. I do not think P is fully to blame, but it has to be a contributing factor. Especially after reading up so much about it. How much of a factor is what I am hoping to find out.

    November was going to be a new beginning. Another one of those fresh starts. No alcohol (and again, I don't have a problem, but even a small amount was really affecting my mood) and no more P!

    The night of the 31st October I had the most graphic P dream that I have had for a long time, possibly ever! Not about me watching it, but me participating! It was crazy. It is not like I had had a period without it yet! My brain obviously processing and trying to comprehend what was about to happen. That was when I decided to Google what had happened, which is what brought me to this website and forum.

    A few failed attempts later, it is time for a change of tactic. Rather than trying to use all of my energy on something negative, like "I will not look at porn", I am going to channel it in a more positive way, by writing this journal about my journey, and creating something at the same time. Taking more of an active note of any feelings and changes along the way. This is morning number one! Mornings are one of my worst times with urges, hence why I am now writing here. It has been a good start. If you are still with me, or if anyone is actually reading this at all, then future entries will not be as long as this one ;)

    Until next time.
     
  2. Majik

    Majik Fapstronaut

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    Even though I only wrote this morning, if this is to be a journal of thoughts and feelings then I feel that I need to add things as they occur, or else I may forget about them.

    Tingling in the feet. This started happening this morning with the urges. Also in the legs, the toes, then later the fingers, the back of my neck at the base of my skull and also the top, inside, like it is my brain. I can still feel it all now. Sitting around and not doing very much is probably not helping!

    Tinnitus. Just started reading the translations from the Chinese man who has managed to go 6 years. That is impressive in itself. As soon as I read the word tinnitus, as an effect of M, I became acutely aware of the ringing in my ears. There is no reason that should be happening right now. I have not recently been exposed to any loud noise. I am very interested to see if this dissipates.
     
  3. Majik

    Majik Fapstronaut

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    Was not sure where to pick up here, as today has been fairly uneventful, urge wise, until maybe now. Sitting on my sofa with my laptop whilst waiting to go out later. Danger zone!
    Have kept myself busy the rest of the day. Meeting a friend for coffee. Having lunch with the nice girl from the sandwich shop when she happened to be on a break. Lucky me! :)
    Have had the odd flash of P imagery flash into my head, one time when walking past an attractive girl, which actually disturbed me. This site has been a bit of a sanctuary though. Been having a good read around. Also distracted myself by playing online chess at one point.

    In other news, no alcohol November is going well. Thirteen days in and feeling good. Good energy, good feelings about life. This is what I was looking for when I tried the same thing back in May! I normally get a good energy boost when I do it, but it did not work then. Obviously there are other contributing factors. A nice trip back home to visit and catch up with some people has helped, as well as breaking up the rut that I was starting to fall in to here. Weird how I find it so easy to give up booze, yet so difficult to give up P. I have never had a drink problem though. Maybe that is a key difference, because I definitely have a PMO problem.
     
  4. Majik

    Majik Fapstronaut

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    So, I completed the 3 day challenge! Feeling really good about that, maybe a little better than deserved! Because in one sense it was only 3 days, but I know plenty of people, myself included, who find this very difficult. At this time it felt like a big achievement, with some serious mental battles going on at times. What makes it more pleasing for me is that I have managed this at a more challenging time when there is not much else going on, rather than a time when I am really busy with limited time to think about it. Hoping that has made me mentally stronger all round.
    Yesterday I came very close to falling though. Started to slip, searching for "safe" images. Chatting with a female friend on messenger, that can often be a bit flirty, put thoughts in my head. Not pornographic, more normal, clothed. Then managed to kid myself that looking for that type of image was fine. It quickly nearly wasn't! As soon as I realised, I had a real 'wake up' moment and instantly got off my phone and got up to do something. Phew!

    In general, my cravings seem to have distilled themselves into a desire to see one specific type of image. I can almost picture it in my head, and really want to see it to kind of get it out of my head. In the same way that I often really want to hear a tune properly that can get stuck in there. To begin with I found this really difficult, as the urge to see it was so strong! Then I had a bit of a realisation yesterday. This is actually kind of good! I actually feel lucky! All of those countless images and videos over the years and years, yet the main one that is stuck in my head is this one simple image. It is like the doorway, but just one doorway. Not disturbing, but just there. I just need to not walk through that one doorway, which is stopping all of the other stuff from flooding through. I think that I can handle that. I need to be able to handle that. Will also be aware of my Instagram trigger that the sneaky side of my brain has found last week, and any others that crop up.

    Feeling really good about life in general right now. Like REALLY good. Long may it continue!
     

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