This is not the first time that I have sought out and used a forum to try and help me quit porn. I was a member of the Mark Manson forum a few years ago. There was a great sense of camaraderie there. It was sad when he updated his website and decided to do away with it. I never really found an equivalent that I felt was as accessible. A few years have passed since then, but I don't feel that my P use has got any better. Recently, however, it does seem to have gotten a lot worse! I like the idea of keeping a journal. This summer I have started to regularly write one for myself. Not necessarily every day, but frequently. For me it is a great way of emptying the thoughts from inside my head, and really helps with trying to make sense of them. A form of personal catharsis and therapy. I have had brief flirtations with it before, but this summer really has been a time of personal reflection, taking a step back from the grind of life to reassess where I am going and what it is that I want to do. The eternal question! It took me all the way until October before I started to realise that maybe my constant use of P was a contributing factor to my downward spiral. Maybe not even a spiral, but falling back into the "rut", where I feel that I have found myself in consistently over the last few years. In fact it is difficult to try and work out when and for how long I have been there. When there is a lot more going on around me, or I have a lot more to do, it kind of distracts me from it. I have never been an alcoholic, and I cannot begin to know what that must be like, but I guess that I am maybe the P equivalent of a functioning alcoholic. I am sure that others could identify with that. Most of the time over the years it didn't seem to affect me, or that was how I perceived it, but recently I was starting to break down, mentally. I do not think P is fully to blame, but it has to be a contributing factor. Especially after reading up so much about it. How much of a factor is what I am hoping to find out. November was going to be a new beginning. Another one of those fresh starts. No alcohol (and again, I don't have a problem, but even a small amount was really affecting my mood) and no more P! The night of the 31st October I had the most graphic P dream that I have had for a long time, possibly ever! Not about me watching it, but me participating! It was crazy. It is not like I had had a period without it yet! My brain obviously processing and trying to comprehend what was about to happen. That was when I decided to Google what had happened, which is what brought me to this website and forum. A few failed attempts later, it is time for a change of tactic. Rather than trying to use all of my energy on something negative, like "I will not look at porn", I am going to channel it in a more positive way, by writing this journal about my journey, and creating something at the same time. Taking more of an active note of any feelings and changes along the way. This is morning number one! Mornings are one of my worst times with urges, hence why I am now writing here. It has been a good start. If you are still with me, or if anyone is actually reading this at all, then future entries will not be as long as this one Until next time.