Pornifying others

Well it’s Sunday here. Which is usually my go to time for watching porn and fapping away the morning. Going to attempt something different today and write about a behavior I’d like help holding myself accountable for.

The act of Pornifying others is something that I do almost every day, at my worst I must admit to doing it 50-100 times in a day given the right circumstances.

We interact with people all the time in person, up close or at a distance and each of these moments allows us to come into contact with another person who is going about their day. They are not asking to be a part of the porno that has been constantly running through my brain since the age of 10. Their arm or chest or legs or face becomes something that I am using without their consent.
Instead of making eye contact and gaining a real connection with someone I find myself fantasizing about having sex with them. If a gaze that is held for more than a few minutes is shared my brain instantly wonders if they are making an advance at me. If we stop and talk for a moment or two I spend more time secretly sneaking glances at the way their jeans hug the curve of their body than actually being in the moment with them. In that moment I must admit that I am not looking for real connection (although that is what I know I am craving) instead I’m hoping to catch of glimpse of a bit more skin or body hair that will continue this fantasy.

I feel bad knowing that I am not creating anything worthwhile with these moments. Each time I do this, it is as if I am building a wall between the two of us making it harder to initiate an actual connection.

But how do I stop? How do I begin to see people rather than what I’d like to do to them?

I am committing to try to look at faces rather than bodies, to force my brain to start to remain present instead of heading off to fantasy land.

I know I need help! I know this behavior is unhealthy.

-end rant-

 

Thank you for this reply I will definitely take that to heart!

 

Thanks so much for the encouragement and guidance. Definitely the right road and a long haul at that but I’m determined to get healthy. Tired of feeling like that “creepy guy” with the porn habit and the wandering eyes.

The porn subs are a huge problem because they exist everywhere-we live in an over-sexualized world and those images are used to see everything from bugspray to burgers.

Definitely see how easy it was to fall back into this after such a long time staying clean (120 days). If I’m not on my guard the p-subs seem so innocent....just “admiring attractive people” then there I am back again to stashing images and articles away on my phone which leads me into searching for videos that might get me excited and off to the races I go. Just have to really pay close attention to my behavior patterns and keep myself in check when I’m feeling stressed or frustrated.