1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Porn is all I have

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Buddhabro, Jan 19, 2017.

  1. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    505
    10,189
    123
    I've had severe depression since I was a child and was exposed to porn around the age of 10. I adored seeing the beautiful women and desired to be with them.
    With that said, I didn't start masturbation until I was 17, after a I was confused by a taunt from a classmate making the jerking motion and laughing at me. I didn't have a clue at first, but soon after realized he was referring to masturbation.
    I had my first wet dream shortly after a prom date (my first), and then began a relationship with a girl that liked to "play"
    with me without having sex or reaching orgasm for a few years.
    My PMO behavior reached an addictive level and now consumed my life.
    I'm now 55 and have had sex on 3 occasions for the past 20 years.
    I am devastated again after losing the best job I had in years. And the pain of being alone and a failure is tremendous and has me thinking of abstinence as a way out of my loneliness and alienation.
    I'm smart, good-looking and nice but can't seem to find a woman who'll stand by me.
    I feel like I've been cursed and I want to die!
    I did not have normal life... no father and a severely handicapped mother.
    It may be unrealistic but all I have is hope for living a life worth living
    What if PMO is all I'll ever have...I don't want to live like this anymore.
    I don't know if anyone can help. I've been under the care of a psychiatrist and psychologist for years after a woman and my company and co-workers ruined my life.
    A small settlement did little to get me back on my feet and I've been struggling to thrive and stay alive.
    After a lifetime of wanting to die. I have grown weary. I'm intellectually opposed to suicide and suffer a sad and lonely existence.
    I hope I don't give up and I hope none of you give up too ✊
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2017
  2. StandingTall

    StandingTall Fapstronaut

    208
    292
    63
    Buddhabro, hang in there and make those steps. Porn isn't all you have, but that's how it makes us feel for sure. At the lowest of our lows, porn makes us feel like that this is all we are, but that isn't what defines us. The fact that you are so miserable BECAUSE of porn, indicates that you are much,much more than a few pixels on a screen. You're bigger than this.

    Good luck!
     
  3. Themadfapper

    Themadfapper Fapstronaut

    704
    860
    93
    It's a lonely world. Even people who have lots of friends are often alone. They don't have real friends they just have social acquaintances out of convenience. There are so many phonies and sycophants out there, so many dishonest people, and dishonesty is rampant in this society. These people I described are what most "friendships" are made of. It's odd that at a time when relationships and friendships are probably at their lowest worth in the history of humanity that they are considered so valuable.

    Many wise men and spiritual men have talked about solitude and the benefits it can bestow. Obviously suffering from loneliness isn't good and neither is porn and masturbation.

    I don't know why you are lamenting over women? I kind of got the idea that this first relationship screwed you up by this girl edging you all the time? Sounds like so many people in this world, she didn't give a damn about you or if anything was harmful to you, only about herself. She was just there for her own amusement. Then you talk about a "woman" ruining your life! Why are you still looking for women?

    Doesn't sound like sex and masturbation have been all that great for you. Try getting rid of them in your life. Dependence on these things will lead to misery.

    You said you had no father. Were you raised without a father? This might explain somethings? Often guys raised by women tend to overvalue women, relationships and put women on a pedestal. This may show in your letting this girl just edge you. You should not let people abuse you, and letting this girl just play with you because you think you're supposed to let women do whatever they want [ I assuming you do?] is a harmful way of thinking.

    You don't need women to be happy.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2017
    JustinX and Buddhabro like this.
  4. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    505
    10,189
    123
    Thank you for you very astute comments. I have been and am often mistreated, but I don't want to blame others for it.
    Your reply really helps to lighten my suffering quite a bit. So much that my eyes are welling up with tears of gratitude.
    Ty so very much Themadfapper
     
  5. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    505
    10,189
    123
    Also what you said about people and friends really resonated with me.
    I thought I might just be bitter but your insightful sociological perspective reminds me of how much abuse and mistreatment I've had to endure.
    I may be odd...but it's in a good way. I'm a smart kind and compassionate person who has not had the best of circumstances but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to feel safe and happy.
    I wish the best for you themadfapper.
    Ty ty ty!!!
     
  6. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    505
    10,189
    123
    Thank you StandingTall
     
    StandingTall likes this.
  7. Proceed

    Proceed Fapstronaut

    74
    132
    33
    You don't have to suffer and you don't have to blame others for your suffering. Deep down inside you may someday realize that you were the one who chose your suffering all these years. Maybe try to think about it.. for example why do you feel mistreated when other people do the things they do?? Should you confront them about these things?? Or just move on?? Hopefully this helps
     
  8. Sometimes companionship is overrated. What you have been through has taught you principles and life lessons - you now know the type of people you want in your life and the type of person you want to be. In a way, that's a blessing.

    Proceed and extend yourself but be comfortable with your loneliness. Look for high quality people through social avenues such as hobby clubs or dating events.

    I have recently gone to singles events and was amazed at how well I managed to socialise despite being something of a loner.

    There is always hope and advise you to take smart steps towards your goals and desires.
     
    vibemaker and Buddhabro like this.
  9. Shin Iu

    Shin Iu Fapstronaut

    Being alone for the best who you are are better than being in an unstable relationship!
    Have enjoyed simple life is better than sex everyday with hotties!
    Life is all about knowing enough instead of feeding lust!
    nofap.JPG
     
    vibemaker and Buddhabro like this.
  10. Deadlihood

    Deadlihood Fapstronaut

    3,905
    2,848
    143
    Here for you, man. Cheers.
     
    Buddhabro likes this.
  11. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    505
    10,189
    123
    I appreciate that. Because of the shame and embarrassment associated with this topic, there's no one to really talk to about my PMO problem.
    These forums and good people like you are very much appreciated.
     
    MrPrince and Deadlihood like this.
  12. Deadlihood

    Deadlihood Fapstronaut

    3,905
    2,848
    143
    Uh oh - don't make the mistake of confusing me with a good person! :rolleyes:

    Just kidding.
     
  13. Rion008

    Rion008 Fapstronaut

    25
    14
    3
    It's affected your whole life so this is deep. Willingness to change is important and I assure you that there ARE resources and answers that can actually transform things but it seems you are drowning so deep that it's difficult to even see the Light.

    There's 1 thing that saved me (if u will) and not only turned my life around (I dabbled in porn before but it went deep) but lit my life and lifestyle on fire AND has now for 1000s of men (including other men in this community but who haven't yet spoken up about it - or knew how to).

    For now; consider it the exact opposite of porn b/c I don't want to reveal anything prematurely but I just recently (at a tantra certification retreat) showed a man who had porn addiction and deep depression this new awareness about women (and free practice) and it was a life-changing shift for him (he'd only been with 1 woman in a space of decades after early negative experience which traumatized him).

    I will say that this practice and me personally/professionally HAVE/has helped men turn their life around but it's going to be a process....a new journey and one that requires letting go of your past identity and any remaining victimized thoughts in order to start really transforming. For you I see NoFap as part of the process (and the support as a rare place) but it goes deeper b/c it's how you are relating to women in your entire life and how it's all affected you
     
    Buddhabro likes this.
  14. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    505
    10,189
    123
     
    Deadlihood likes this.
  15. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    505
    10,189
    123
    I want to masturbate again after five days.
    I'm having a bad time and today I disappointed myself by not going to meet a good friend and play some music.
    I'm convinced porn IS all I have now!
    My chest hurts and I want relief now!
    I don't know if there's any hope of getting support in time to stop me tonight, and realize that this is just a cry for help in another sad and lonely night.
    I feel like such a loser.
    BTW, despite it all I still love my mother; even with all of bullshit I have been through
     
  16. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    505
    10,189
    123
    I don't know how I missed reading this but I think I need to know more about what you're talking about. Even the thought of having a chance to change like that this person you speak of may keep me safe for the night.
    I'm slowly exhausting all of my nervous energy and hope I can pass out without PMO.
    But if not, I accept that I am not well and somewhat broken as a person.
     
  17. JustinX

    JustinX Fapstronaut

    539
    724
    93
    Good news Budhabro, do you know that there is a pill that can give you exactly what you want. If you keep taking it become easier for you to be more attractive, talkative, funny, productive and most of all happy. As a result the pill will help you find a new girlfriend, new friends and even a better job. It might sound strange, totally alien but this is exactly what the pill do. I was taking that pill I was experiencing that. How much would you pay for such pill? What would you do to get that pill that gives you all you really want and makes you life happier?
    Another good news, pills dont cost actually any money. But you will still have to pay for them: by not masturbating (while taking them). That's the only cost and you body get those pills for free, on its own. So back to original question - How much would you pay for them? Is it too expensive price for having happy life, finding girlfriend and living the life you really want? Answer is yours. Pills will deliver all of it. Will you?
     
    Buddhabro and vibemaker like this.
  18. vibemaker

    vibemaker Fapstronaut

    817
    10,925
    123
    My Journal
    It sounds like one of these "how to become a millionair in 5 minutes" ads, but it's really that easy how @JustinX said. I know it's hard, but you have to trust in this. Especially the moments, when you feel like a loser and DON'T give in watching porn make you grow. It's a long road. And the pill won't throw things at you. But it gives you the fundament to do whatever you want.

    Stand up for yourself, do it because you're worth it! You're a cool guy and you deserve a happy life! And fuck all those bitches and people who tell you you're not.
     
    Buddhabro likes this.
  19. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    505
    10,189
    123
    I take my medicine now and then so I'm not opposed to it, but I doubt that this is real.
    Please don't play around and make me block and report you. I'm genuinely hurting.
     
  20. Kalito

    Kalito Fapstronaut

    10
    18
    3
    The pursuit of happiness is the mammals way to motivate action out of suffering. You feel lonely not because you are alone, but because your brain wants something that it doesn't have. The feeling of loneliness is not inherently bad, it is completely neutral. What creates suffering is the evaluation of the feeling, not the feeling itself.

    Let's look at it from a psychoevolutionary perspective. For an organism to survive in a hostile enviroment it needs to avoid both injury and disease. For this to happen, the organism needs a cognitive system in place that creates the actions that lead to the desired result, in this example the avoidance of injury and disease. First, the organism needs tools to spot situations that might cause injury and death. As human beings we are equipped with one of the most advanced visual and auditory systems evolution came up with. We can see the cliff that would lead us to death, and we can hear dangerous predators sneaking up on us. Furthermore we smell fire and rotten food, and we can feel the cold of the winter or insects crawling on our skin.
    But what are all these tools of use if we don't know what to do with the information? Well, luckily we do know what to do. We have the most complex system of neurons that is capable to simulate an entire world for us. All the information that our sensory organs collect is transported to our brain, where it is reformed into what we call reality. Everything you belief is real, everything you feel and think, all of it, even time and space, is merely a simulation of our brain.
    In this simulation the sensory information is processed and evaluated in an extremely complex manner, so that we can distinguish between a bear and a leaf, or between cold and warm. Once the basic simulation is established, we reevaluate the information in a more specified way, here we create feelings corresponding to certain aspects of the simulation. For example, the sensory information coming from the hand indicates extreme heat, the mind then creates the feeling of pain. But of what use is the feeling pain? Well, for now, it just is what it is, a feeling. It's another set of information that gets transfered to another system of the brain that yet again needs to evaluate the information.
    Here comes the essential part: This system here naturally evaluates pain as a state that is undesirable, it immediately creates a desire to stop that feeling. The desire now creates the action, in this case the pulling away of the hand from the flame to avoid injury of the hand. There are expections to this, which we call masochists, whose evaluation happens differently. They feel the same pain, but simply enjoy it. The feeling pain does not feel good or bad, it's the evaluation that either creates suffering or pleasure.
    The organism is not avoiding the injury or the pain, it is simply acting on a desire that is not yet met, in this case a very strong desire to make a certain state go away, the state of pain. It evolved this way because this is how you ensure the survival of the organism. You feel fear so you know when you have to run. You feel anger so you know when you have to attack. You feel sadness so you know when to preserve energy. You feel hunger so you know when to eat. You feel weakness so you know when to sleep. And of course, you feel lonely so you know when you have to go out and find a mate.

    Loneliness exists to ensure reproduction. It is an undesirable state because those organism who were alone and didn't care, simply didn't reproduce. Those who did feel lonely and found a partner did reproduce. Of course being alone also decreases the chances of survival, which is the reason why empathy evolved within the human being. We feel for each other so we help each other, so we are able to survive.

    Alright, let's move from Psychoevolution 101 to more practical terms. You have multiple ways to reduce suffering in your case. One is to find a partner which will relief you of the feeling loneliness (and that's a catch 22, which I'll get into later on). A second one is to change the second evaluation or processing of the information, so the one that either creates the feeling of loneliness. This is indeed possible You don't feel lonely merely because you are alone. When you are alone on the toilet you don't feel lonely, you only feel lonely when you think about being all alone, and miserable and unloved. So the feeling loneliness is a result of your thoughts, training yourself to control your thoughts will eventually result in the complete lack of loneliness.
    The third and most powerful way is to tackle the third evaluation process, the one that evaluates the feelings themselves. So, you might feel lonely, but you won't have any negative evaluations. You won't have the desire to "make the feeling go away". You can even start to enjoy the feeling of loneliness if you get really good at it, similar to the masochist. And that you can do with any feeling at all. Sadness, anger, love, hatred and so on. These feelings serve the purpose to create certain desires of actions. You can amplifiy any of the desires and you can dumb down any of them. This method is so powerful because you cannot always control your feelings. Sometimes you simply get angry, and other times you simply might get sad. But now imagine those feelings would be simply there, but you wouldn't care about them whatsoever? You'd just have them as raw input, knowing that you now feel angry, but not having any desire to act on it, not even to make it go away.

    Why is this much more efficient then doing everything with method 1? Well, there are a few problems with method one. If you'll try to get a girlfriend in your state, you'll be needy. You'll be needy because you need a girlfriend to be happy. Yet, neediness is the most unattractive trait a human being can have. Kind of a catch 22. If you really need a girlfriend, you won't get one. But if you don't need one whatsoever, you will be able to get one. But then again, you won't need one, so why would you get one? Well, the world is more nuanced than that, and of course if there are two needy people, they will settle for what they can get, and that usually leads to horrible codependent relationships. But the point is, before you want to get a girlfriend, you'll need to stop being needy about it. And that means becoming happy without having a girlfriend.

    For that you can use method 2 and 3. Instead of getting what your desire tells you to get in the external world, you simply work on your internal world. You change your psychology. Once you do that, you will be happy, without needing a girlfriend. And then, you'll probably find a girlfriend. A needy person hardly ever can be authentic because all his actions are the result of his unhappiness. He tries to find a girlfriend because he is unhappy, and he expects another person to make them happy.

    Basicly, you are trapped, like most of the worlds population, in the endless pursuit of external validation. You have the desire to masturbate, your body wants to satisfy that desire and you go and do it. The desire is gone, and you feel happy, but the problem here is that the brain is designed to create desires. You get a big car, for a moment you are satisfied, but rather soon you'll want more. Now why is that? Because that is simply an efficient way to survive in a hostile enviroment. If you build your shelter and you are satisfied, you won't have as much chance of survival as Joe who is not satisfied with one shelter, but instead builds two of them. Infact, Joe is still not satisfied, he'll go and get provisions for the winter. And then Joe is still not satisfied, he'll make himself a nice and comfortable pelt. But Joe is still not satisfied!
    Do you now realize the problem? Joe will never be satisfied, because he is NOT supposed to be satisfied. The brain is literally designed to not be satisfied with the situation. That is why rich people get more and more greedy, and why famous people are extremely rarely happy. And this is also the reason why buddhist monks are happy. They see the trap, they have seen the trap thousands of years ago, and they have developed one of the most efficient ways to train the brain in a way so it is able to take control of this process.

    Today we live in an enviroment that is simply not designed for the human being. 20.000 years ago Joe was pretty happy with his life, because the ratio of unsatisfaction and satisfaction was well balanced. Why? Well, because the brain evolved within that enviroment. The problem we face today is that the enviroment changed rapidly, but the brain is still at the stage it was a few thousand years ago. Nowadays the goals are simply impossible to meet. Other Joe 20.000 years ago was happy when he had a family he could protect. He was actually happy, much more so than most of the modern population. Even with disease, danger, death and all the lack of technology, Joe was happier. Because Joes fucking brain was designed to be happy in that exact enviroment. Joe didn't have Angelina Jolie to compare himself to. Joe didn't have to watch how Bill Gates collects billions of dollars while he is living in a shithole. Joe didn't have shit to compare himself to. Joe was Bill Gates. Joe really thought he was one of the wealthiest person on the planet, because there was nobody else around but the few people in his tribe.

    Now, if we go about life as Joe would, we will fail. There is simply no way to win this game, unless you actually join a tribe. But even for that it's to late because cultural indoctrination ruined your psyche on so many levels that you'd have to fix yourself first anyways.

    Alright, now let's get to the solutions. How the fuck does Joe actually become happy among Bill Gates and Angelina Jolie? Well, he might be smart enough to realize that the problem lies in his cognition. That infact, every problem he has in his life is the result of his cognition. Because remember? Everything Joe thinks exists is literally a simulation of his brain.
    Now, Joe is a very smart man. He will go out and actually buy himself some books on this topic. Joe will research the shit out of how to become happy. Joe will realize that happiness is literally the lack of suffering caused by unfulfilled desires. Joe will meditate every single day for the rest of his life. Joe might even attend some courses on spirituality, psychology and self-improvement. Hell, in a few years Joe will preach this shit to other people and make a living on it.

    Joe is happy. Be Joe.
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2017
    Buddhabro and vibemaker like this.

Share This Page