porn enduced ED..SOS...HELP

I think that is a positive approach. Things that connect you and bind you in your relationship are good.

Also, you mentioned 'rough and extreme' P. There is some danger in talking vague, in that I may make some assumptions that over shoot the mark. However, 'rough and extreme' aren't uncommon tastes (but are the most false images you can see in porn). Their primary defining qualities is the 'intensity'. (I don't mean to trigger you in this discussion, so I warn ahead of time). But the force, loudest screams, tears of the partner, are all trademarks of that genre. (The can also be a sign of a more advanced porn obsession, as you push harder (both metaphorically into the content you uses, and literally in the physical grip/style used for masturbation).

It might help you to know, that I have a friend actually participate in real BDSM activities. For them, it is an extremely emotional journey, where they have to implicitly trust the person, and there is control at all times. (They use the term 'power exchange'). In short, people that engage in that kind of roughness, do so because of it fills emotional needs, and because of their relationship with the partner. In short, to them they would be disgusted at the concept pointless 'pain', without the familiar hand in which they place their trust. (The summary of this, is even they find the dungeon scenes false).

Only you can know what held your attention, but it can most often be that normal porn you had consumed to a bit of numbness, and required visual/auditory intensity to dial up the experience. NoFap and a hard mode reboot will definitely assist with that.

However, there may have been things in that imagery that did appeal to your identity. The reboot will help you short through the priorities, bit it is important for you to clear your mind. Since you are in a rush, you may want to engage in some additional meditation, and possibly learn some mental exercises for when you are with your GF. 30 days can be short in that goal.

If you are 90 days in, you will have better ideas of which way to proceed. If it feels like the need for that intensity has faded, then keeping on your path would be wise. If nothing feels like it's changed, and you still find that the images have held strong grip, then it might be time to see if this is part of your identity. (Assuming we mean 'rough and extreme' to mean more of the common BDSM, you may want to explore that in real life to see if that is truly who you are.) It may also be time to talk to a counselor to just see if there are any outside influences that might be at work that are holding you back, and to help clarify your thoughts on what you truly want. (Once you are self-aware, then you can be safe in attempting to find solutions. There are healthy ways to find willing partners in fulfilling relationships, even based on the wants of 'rough and extreme')

(I'm not assuming this, nor judging, but just so its said) If you mean 'rough and extreme' holds further into that porn envelope to include rape, knife play, choking, etc. Please find a counselor immediately to discuss the issues with, and should keep away from your GF or any one else until you can find assistance. If you can't find a counselor, or don't know how, please speak to us about it, and we will do everything in our power to help you find one immediately.)

 

I had thought that was what you most likely meant. (This next bit is long winded, but you've touched a sensitive area, and I wanted to make sure I was precise in advising)

(First, I don't judge you. I will offer some ideas that you may want to consider, but this discussion may offend some of the other members....)
Watching rape scenes and choking doesn't automatically mean anything dark about you. There is a universe of difference in watching, and doing. Often those images are stimulating because you feel powerless, and a rape fantasy stimulates that powerless feeling. It also contains a false message that we could power through the resistance of a partner to give them an overwhelming experience, which comes to them when they give up. While that is a completely false and dangerous idea, it does speak to those that feel that they are less in life, and want to somehow give their partner the gift of intensity, which they are uncomfortable exploring in the real world, or incapable due to physical conditions. The imagery can also resonate, simply because of the strength shown. While you simultaneously feel it's wrong and disgusting, and that you should look away, it also holds the loudest sounds of 'penetration', the loudest sounds of female response, the largest visual representation of emotional release and submission. It's also a common fantasy of those who are strong but gentle and afraid of hurting someone you love if you aren't careful. (Only you can truly know....) However, if you look hard enough you would probably see that you also felt that you knew you could never do those things, and that it would make you sad, upset, angry, and powerless if someone you knew had that happen to them. (As a important note: Rapists don't feel anything for their victims, and only have feelings for themselves (motivations of power and rage), so those feelings you find separate you from them)

(For those outside this conversation, I am not saying any of the video content is 'right', or that it isn't amoral, or that it isn't exactly all that feminist claim of society, and that I can't assume he doesn't require help of a higher power, but you may want to read the next part....)

Here is another analogy.... for decades, since the invention of gaming systems, people have cried that violent games were teaching our children to be violent people. That it exposed them to the worst kind of graphic horrors and encourage them to be gleeful detached as they destroyed their targets. While some are sensitive to those images, with 4 decades of studies, they have not found that video games made anyone more or less violent. People often use the examples that school shooting murderers often played video games, but there are other common factors (they also had toothpaste, drank soda, breath air, etc). But in every study, in every demographic, video games played no more an indication of what people might do. Rape fantasy is more personal and flirting with danger, but like video games, it doesn't mean because the imagery stimulated you it that you would automatically in fact have any actual want/need to rape in real life.

In short, coming here is an indication that you knew that porn fantasy was false, and you wanted to learn a better way. (If after a reboot, the images still haunt you, or if you don't think you can hold pure motivations, while on a reboot, then yes, talk with a counselor to see if there are other ways to identify where you are feeling powerless or other influences in your life).


(That being said, this next part I have to offer warning of possible triggers)

(Forgive me if this goes to far, or if it sounds condescendingly due to the fact that you already know this. )

Another place you can seek healing, is in the bedroom. There are techniques that you can explore with your partner that can be 'rougher' while still being loving, and without going overboard or depriving her of her right to choice. These are things you can do to feel more confident, and create a more exciting dynamic, and many partners do in fact enjoy these types of activities. Only do this if you are sure of your intentions (by this, I mean never engage in these activities if you are angry, feel need to punish or for revenge, and never if you feel the need to take what isn't given to you). Still in case you are sensitive about this, none of the things I've listed are going to break or damage your partner. Use it as an open dialog with your GF on things to try. She may or may not enjoy these kinds of styles. (If she doesn't like it, it isn't you that she is rejecting, some women have had a past trauma, and don't want to experience a 'power dynamic'. Some feel 'rough' is denigrating to them, and conflicts with their ideas of love and a relationship. Others simply want to be in a relaxed loving embrace, without trying to push any boundaries. Some might not be interested right now, because they are sore already from fitness, or some other activities) Whatever the reasons, it's important to always respect that, and not to feel defeated at the first sign of 'slow down'. Respecting this is what will separate you from having 'rougher sex' the right way, from the actual illegal activities shown in the videos. Learning what is real, and what is fantasy, may help the images you've see fade faster as well. The idea is that you are emotionally connecting and actively communicating with your GF, while feeling more empowered to embrace intensity.

(You don't always have to ask permission first, but always be prepared to stop immediately, and listen to her. In short, always be sure she is consenting, and always stop if it turns into 'ouch', or 'no'. Again, prior permission isn't needed as these things I've listed are both loving/stimulating and only involve simply applying a little more intensity. They are also very common in the bedroom (so you aren't a freak if you do this). Just be sure you know if she is comfortable in voicing consent and giving you feedback during. If you don't know, have a conversation with her before and tell her some of what you want to try, and see if she likes the idea or not, and be sure you have an agreement that she can always say she is uncomfortable, or stop. It's also important to know 'silence isn't always consent'.

It's important you read the situation correctly, as most likely you are self conscious, and feel a little vulnerable. (Yes, 'no means no', and you should always respect that, but don't take the first sign of resistance as 'no'. When you do these things, uncomfortable doesn't always mean stop, it would just mean slow down, back off, and let her decide if she can relax or wants to proceed. If you reach that place, it's not you she is rejecting, but it just doesn't feel right to her right now, and she may need time to warm up/relax to it, or it may be she just really isn't feeling it. Again it's important you always respect that, without you feeling that it is a judgment of you personally. (As a side note: You may have heard in BDSM relationships the idea of a 'safe word'. There are actually two, one to say 'stop now, I don't like this, it's too much'. The other is 'slow down, I'm not sure yet'. You don't have to adopt all this, but it can be as simple as pausing and checking in with her as you've done something, and asking how did that feel.) Confidence, Communication, and positive mental place are the components you need here.

(warning of possible triggers)
Some of the more common (rough(er) techniques):

1) Back hugs - Many partners enjoy the security feeling an all encompassing embrace. You can do this by standing behind them and putting your arm over their shoulder and around their torso. For extra points, you can do this while kissing their neck. For extra extra points, you can do this while holding them against a rail or wall. if you do push them against the wall, again be loving, and be aware not to smoother them, or shove their face.

2.) Pulling hair (it isn't really 'pulling') - (you spread your fingers, and run them through your partners hair at the scalp line, and then close your fingers with her hair in between, you can gently pull outwards. (This is not a tug, and you aren't trying to rip hair out). If the hair if tension is done equally across the follicles, there is no pain, but instead produces a thousand tingling sensations on the scalp, that dance up and down the spine, and can be very exciting. (again, don't pull from the end of her hair, and you are only gently applying outwards pressure from close to the scalp.) This can be done from in front or from behind. You don't have to hold this very long, as the stimulation is fleeting, but you can hold her in that embrace for longer periods and it still feel nice.

3.) Caressing neck (not choking) - There are women that do like the sensation of you holding their neck. They may enjoy the dynamic. In this case you have a grip like you might see in the videos, but you are not squeezing the front of the air pipes, or attempting to restrict their air at all. Only your finger tips should be connecting on the sides, and there shouldn't be pressure. The goal is to feel connected together, in a powerful and sensitive place, without you trying to deprive her of any air. It should feel comfortable to you both, and not dangerous. There are some women that have seen the videos and even those action freaks them out. Just be aware, but you can still try and see what her feelings of it are, and let go if she signals it's wrong feeling.

4.) Rough finger tips and grabbing - While out of context, most partners would turn around and slap you, in the moments of intercourse, some women enjoy feeling 'petite' to their partner. This requires some experimentation, but during your love making you may find that she is responsive to firm grip on her hips, buttocks, back, or even her breast (many places). Again, you're not trying to break her, but you can apply considerable pressure, and she may enjoy the feeling of how strong and secure that makes her feel. (another powerful one is interlocking your fingers, and holding each others hands, while holding her arms out to the sides, or under you, while staring in her eyes.) (another idea may be to hold her hands behind her back (as in lightly restraining them, but where she could pull free if she needs/wants to), while you are kissing on her). You can also use the tips of your fingers (perhaps even nails to run up and down her back, sides, or stomach during your session. The firmer you do this, the less likely she is to be ticklish. All of these are meant to stimulate strong feelings of security, and tactile sensations mirroring strong connection.

5.) Guiding her hands - You can also create a dynamic, but holding the back of her hands, and guiding them along her own body, or yours. It lets her feel the tactile sensations, without being the ones to choose where they are going. It's playful, and can help partners communicate a little in negotiating how the hands move. Again, be prepared to let go. Sometime hands get sweaty, and you aren't trying to 'force her', but just trying to be more of an initiator, and willing to be the one to make decisions in that dynamic.

There are many other 'lighter' forms of roughness. Many would consider what I've written here obvious and tame. However, I think these are probably the safe ones, where as others techniques would require you to have stronger communication and confidence in actively negotiating with GF (before and during). (By this, I mean you may find that once in a place of security, good communication, with trust and confidence, your partner may decide that she wants try a 'rough BJ', or anything else, but this is a place that has to be earned, and only attempted if she want it).

Again, hopefully this is helpful, and not overly obvious.

 

I understand. On my reboot, I have had some very disturbing dreams as well. And due to travel for my GF, I do have to wait gaps of weeks at time to be intimate (although never a full 55 days like you).

It's important to adopt and remind your self of the following. It needs to be your mantra in a way. "How I finish has no meaning. How hard I am doesn't matter. It only matters that I be loving and able to give and receive pleasure in those moments. There are many ways to make love, and many ways to receive pleasure, none of which require perfection from me. It only matters that I try, and that I appreciate I am privileged to just be in such close connection with a beautiful and caring woman. No matter what happens in the immediate, my efforts here separate me from who I was, and make me a better person".

Truly take this to heart, and everything else will just fall away as a concern, without you have to force to reach for something.