Porn Addiction, HOCD, anxiety, depression. HELP me.

Ok, i’m gonna keep this simple. Recently just turned 15, but i look and act older. I hit puberty a lot earlier than my age, and therefore, had sexual urges a lot earlier than what would be considered ‘normal’ I guess. Anyway, I’ve been entirely straight my entire life. Never had any attraction to men. In fact, gay porn revolted me so much that I completely lost boners because of it. However, I have been academically successful my entire life, but never learned to manage stress and anxiety when I would be overwhelmed.

Here is where I believe my porn addiction started. I started relying on PMO to relieve my stress and calm myself down. It made me incredibly horny and I would have times where my brain would be trained to make me horny, like right after school, before bed, etc. At the peak of my addiction masturbating 3-4 times daily wouldn’t be unheard of.
I became desnesitized to normal porn. Embarrassingly enough I went through stages of looking for different types of porn, ranging from transwomen, beastiality and gay porn. They all originally digusted me and honestly I have never given thought to ANY any of them before my addiction, and I truly believe that my brain is deceiving me with my faulty sexual desires that have been engrained in my head as a result of excessive porn use.

Me masturbating to gay porn triggered a horrible series of events. I genuinely thought I was gay, and started having panic attacks and intense anxiety. I would check and check, always trying to come to a conclusion about my sexuality ( I would see if gay porn turned me on and if straifht porn turned me on; the gay porn had surprisingly started to arouse me more than straight porn). I forgot about it for two weeks and went back to PMO. It happened gradually. Gay porn disgusted me, but from transwomen, to gay porn, it trained my brain that this lustful behaviour was learned over time and intensity. After a while, once gay porn was giving me MORE intense orgasms than normal porn, I became almost suicidal and depressed (more than I would usually become when I would become depressed for a certain period of time). I developed horrible anxiety and it was killing me inside. I knew I was not gay; not once have I ever seen a guy in real life and wanted him sexually, romantically etc. (NOTE: I have never been attracted to MASCULINE men, but feminine, hairless, men who were basically girls.)

Anyways, it made me question my sexuality and everything I have ever believed in my life. I started rethinking old childhood events which scared me. I have jerked off with my other friends once when I was 8. Never really thought much of it as they didn’t make me horny, I wasn’t attracted to them at all lol. I have tried anal fingering once or twice when I was younger as well. Things that many people could consider normal experimental things for young children would haunt my thoughts and trigger anxiety. I kept trying to prove to myself I wasn’t gay.
I would look at men and find them attractive in the way that they are handsome, and definitely get a lot of women. That would be normal. My HOCD would make me think I was gay and start thinking about sex with them.

I eventually discovered HOCD and was relieved but I never understood why I could watch gay porn now and get a boner and be very aroused when it initially revolted me. It disgusts me. I hate it and whenever I get groinal response it genuinely feel like my entire world collapses

To make matters worse, five months prior to my HOCD, I had a girlfriend whom I really loved. I hadn’t really developed sexual feelings for her, but I really loved her. It was confusing I don’t know how I couldn’t be sexually attracted to her and love her at the same; I believe this is because of porn too as I would still jerk off to straight porn while dating her. Going one or two days without pmo was actually an accomplishment for me and i have now realized the poison that porn really is and the damage it does to our brains. It’s trauma, really.

This is my fourth day of no PMO whatsoever and I’ve become more productive and throughout the day I am reletively fine but once I go home I start having bad anxiety attacks and doubts about my sexuality; despite having loved and been sexually attracted to women and liked several women in my life

I really hope nofap helps my situation because if it doesn’t I genuinely don’t know what I am going to do. It’s killing me inside and I mean that literally; I honestly feel like i’m dying inside. My mental health isdeteriorating the more I think about the situation and I really need a fix. 5+ years of daily porn use and I was told that masturbation and porn is normal, so I kept going. Smh.

I need help, do any of you have advice for me and reassurance for me that I am not really gay, and why I am not gay, and how to remove these torturous thoughts from my mind?

It’s starting the affect my academic success and social life. Fuck this demonic disease and all the bullshit associated with porn, it’s fucking hell.
I really hope I can overcome this shit.

Another question: do you guys believe nofap would be truly beneficial to my situation and would remove the unwanted, lustful gay thoughts I consistently have?

Thank you

 

Yea bro for sure, I'm on my fourth or fifth day with no PMO and I don't usually find myself thinking about my sexuality during the day, but later on in the evening or night for some reason my anxiety and HOCD kicks in and I start oddly questioning everything lol. The one thing that really kills me is the fact that I had gotten hornier to gay porn at the peak of my addiction and now when around guys I have some sort of groinal response which I think is misinterpreted anxiety or just the hocd taking over somehow. It's not attraction at all, its like the subtlest movement or tingling sensation. It's weird bro. I'm really dedicated on knocking the addiction and I really hope that it can go. Thanks for the advice bro

 

Thanks bro I've knocked porn so far for about 5 days now without too many urges. It's weird actually, I would often only masturbate as a result of habit. I would almost force myself to become hard by watching porn without even being horny, and now Im experiencing a low libido. I dunno if thats normal, but i sure as hell feel more focused. How long did it take for the thoughts to leave your head and the lust to go away?

 

The suicidal thoughts only occurred as a result of the possibility of the fact that I could be gay. I'm not homophobic towards others; in all honesty i could give two fucks what other people did with their lives. But for me to be gay, after being attracted to women for so long, confused and scared me. Now, as I look back at my porn addiction and realize my desires are porn induced, I think less about being gay but curing my porn addiction. My depression is still on and off, I've had it for as long as I can remember since I was 10 or 11 years old, I would go months without even experiencing happiness. Nofap is one of the best things that has ever happened to me though. I find PURPOSE in my life, whereas before I had no goals and thought that if I'm going to die, life isn't worth living in the first place. Now, I have goals and plans for the future and can really see myself being happy and successful in my career and social life. Thanks for the advice, everyone here genuinely helps a lot. The sites on the internet have been fucking with my head a lot lately and have been making me think I'm in denial or that I'm actually gay, when in reality I'm not. The anxiety also eased up as i realized anal porn didn't arouse me before my addiction. I was never into it, and found it quite disgusting, but now, it's almost all I go to watch. That gave me some ease in understanding that this was a result of desensitization and porn addiction, and could be reversed thanks to brain plasticity and genuine effort on my end.