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Porn Addiction and HOCD?? HELP!

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by SpideyMan, Dec 14, 2014.

  1. No worries man, I know how you feel. Like Igy, I think nearly all if not all guys wonder if their d**k's are normal at some point or other. Also, if sexual orientation were learned, how come a lot of gay guys come from "straight" environments? If sexuality were learned then all gay guys who were brought up in this kind of environment would turn out straight, but it doesn't happen. Orientation is set before birth. You are not "brought up" to be gay, bi or straight, it is just who you are (not you specifically, before you panic). What you have sounds exactly like HOCD, and we have to put up with this hell which is horrible for all of us with this thing.
     
  2. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    It's just nice to know that I'm not going through this alone. :)

    I couldn't sleep last night. Kept getting intrusive thoughts, but I didn't really fight them. Just kind of laid down and let them pass, but I started to believe that I really liked what I was seeing. And then I was cuddling with my girlfriend thinking, "I like her, but I may like guys as well." That has made me feel really depressed.
     
  3. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    How does a reboot work? I'm just so worried that I will go through the nofap challenge and at the end of it find myself attracted to men. :C

    I noticed one thing that's happened... It feels like the differences between men and women's butts have disappeared. My brain is now saying, "butts are butts. You like women's butts then you clearly like men's too." This is insane. :(
     
  4. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    So I was having a LOT of trouble stopping myself from masturbating. Now that I have my OCD diagnosis, I finally met my psychiatrist and told him about what I'm going through. I don't start treatment until next week, but he gave me prozac to help my anxiety and reduce my sex drive. I've only taken it for 3 days now, but I have had a much easier time controlling my masturbation habits. Even if I start touching myself for a second I am able to say, "no, stop." And I can let go.

    Would prozac be kicking in this early or is this just a placebo effect?
     
  5. elgreko

    elgreko Fapstronaut

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    That's How Pornography uses our imagination to promotes us to something we are not

    That's how subtle pornography is. She can turn you into anything she wants you to be, by using your healthy appetite for sex in combination with the right (wicked) imagination. This can explain why the number of pedophiles is growing-one major reason of it is they were users of porn themselves, which in time and long porn exposure, pornography turned to something very nasty and unethical.

    I believe when you take a break from watching or imagining such fantasies, your sexual orientation will turn back to normal.


    We are here to help you and stand by you,

    Take care,

    Elgreko
     
  6. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, Elgreko. I think standard porn in moderation (the occasional rent a video) is "OK," but internet porn is just insane. I noticed my tastes morphing throughout the years while watching straight porn and it was only a matter of time before it would lead into other categories.

    I had a question:

    When I always watched porn, I remember coming across scenes where it wouldn't do it for me. Then I would process it, let it play in my head a few times, and then I would think about it and start finding it arousing. Then I would want to go back and watch it and masturbate. Does porn work that way for anyone else or just me?

    It's almost like what happens with music: you listen to it, don't care for the song, then it gets stuck in your head and now you want to listen to it over and over until you get sick of it.

    At the beginning of my (H)OCD I remember using one scene from a movie to "test" myself with. And now I keep playing it in my head and I'm starting to feel arousal, except since this is about a guy I find it to be unsettling.
     
  7. Hi SpideyMan,

    I'm glad the prozac is working for you. I think if you get your anxiety under control like that you will find the reboot easier. I don't think what you describe re processing porn scenes and then finding them arousing is weird at all. When I got into hardcore straight porn, at first I was shocked, but then my brain processed what I saw, and I started to find it really arousing, which made me want to watch more of it. That's what porn does, it shocks you, then you become used to it and need more.

    I also agree that high-speed internet porn is completely different to the standard porn that was popular before broadband came along. YourBrainOnPorn explains it much better than I can, so go read up on why it's so addictive/dangerous there, but a common theme is people's morphing tastes as they habituate to their old porn favourites. This leads people down paths they didn't even know existed, or that they would "like" it once they saw it. I say "like" because we don't really like it, but it is just our overloaded brains reacting to a new source of dopamine release.

    I also worried about going through the reboot and finding that I would be attracted to other guys, but since I've been dealing with my anxiety, I've come to accept that I will never truly know for certain what orientation I am, just that I have a pretty good idea, and try to leave it at that. I think for us, the standard treatment of exposure therapy is counterproductive, and actually makes us worse, because porn is the reason we got like this, and watching more of it will just feed our addictions, and make us more anxious, unsure and miserable in the end.

    I watched a tv show called "Cucumber" on Channel 4 last week. It was about gay guys in Manchester, and looked actually quite funny from the ads for it. I decided to give it a go and try and help my HOCD anxiety. I felt good that I had made enough progress that I was able go watch it. I started watching, and it was ok for about 10 minutes, and then became really graphic. Luckily, I turned over before the gay sex started, but I still had a massive spike, because I was afraid that I like it. The anxiety made my d**k move about, but I didn't get an erection. I was worried that the heat I felt was me being aroused, but it didn't feel at all pleasurable, just weird/horrible. Anyway, I'm steering well clear of that show from now on.

    I think you also need to stop re-playing scenes in your head to measure our arousal, as that is just another form of testing, which will reinforce the neural pathways that you are trying to get rid of. It will also make you feel worse about yourself, and will make your HOCD stronger and harder to recover from.

    Good luck, stay strong and I hope your psychiatrist is helpful. As elgreko says, we are all here to help you through this.
     
  8. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    Thanks RecoveringFapster. I have gone 3 days with no PMO, not even edging or anything. I touched myself a tiny bit bit I was able to just stop. I just wish the prozac did not interfere with my sleep.

    I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

    That's the thing, even when watching straight porn, I would get "aroused" but by the end of it I didn't like myself. I didn't truly enjoy it. I honestly feel like being exposed to porn at 13 years old has ruined my life.

    They teach you to accept a level of uncertainty, right?

    I will inform my psychiatrist about that. I'll tell him about my porn addiction. The thing is that even if I don't get anxiety and look at a man in public, I start worrying about liking him.

    It really frightens me when that happens. There have been times during my HOCD that I felt it move and I have even gotten erections (usually they are very mild). In the beginning when my anxiety was at its worst I would get rock hard and think that was proof of me liking men. But it doesn't feel "right" on an emotional level. If I ever thought about myself being gay or bi in the past I would laugh at the idea.

    I have a lot more control during the day, but when I'm going to sleep or waking up, my mind starts playing those scenes in my head and I start feeling arousal. It makes me depressed but then I'm too tired to fight them off. :(

    Thanks, bud. My psychiatrist has over 40 years of experience and is one of the top psychiatrists in New York. That gives me hope. He said, "I see this thing all the time and it IS treatable." Then he also told me about how bad it is for kids to be exposed to porn and how that probably harmed me in a big way. I see him next Thursday so here's hoping we start treatment.
     
  9. heartpower

    heartpower Fapstronaut

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    By watching this stuff, and believing your obsessive thoughts, I believe you are basically programming yourself to respond the way that you are. The best you can do is abstain from the pornography and continue to tell yourself "It's not me, it's my OCD." when you have those thoughts. If you haven't read Brain Lock, give that a read. If you don't go to therapy, consider it if you feel it is unbearable. You're not alone. I have a touch of OCD as well.
     
  10. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    I haven't looked at porn of any kind for the past 4 days and no masturbation for 3. I am going to do my best to continue. I just hate that sometimes I am online and I pass an image that I would normally find arousing. I just don't want to have to reset.
     
  11. VeryUnderstanding

    VeryUnderstanding Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for this i was wondering why i was more aroused but i always had a hunnch it was because of the history......reply back in 3 to 6months my friend
     
  12. AVJ

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    Hey guys, long story short. One day on my way to College i sat next to a guy in the bus stop and he asked me a couple questions like what school do u go to? whats your major ? Then he crossed the line. Do u have a gf? I said no and then he asked me the weirdest shit , a boyfriend? I automatically said "No im straight bro". Then he said "well your pretty handsome" I didnt know what to do so I walked away slowly and laughed. Thru out the Bus ride he was sitting in the back and me in the front i felt gross af and what not i got to school and i had these thought i never had " Wtf is this my fault?" "Im not gay" then i would see "gay guys" and just remember what he asked me . i had homosexual thoughts that day and heading back home i started crying idk why i had never experienced this i had always had Gay classmates in High school and i wouldnt mind i was like wtvr lucky him foo gets to talk to all the pretty girls lmao. I feel weird among guys my age now this kills me . i quit watching porn immedietly that day i had been trying to quit for years (I would always search up "Mia Khalifa, Alexis Texas, Lissa ann All them women that would get me a huge boner and pleasure "fat booty" "Latina ass" to say a couple) i would also like to mention that i would fuck around with my homies saying "ily" i was in my hs varsity soccer team and they would always slap my ass and i wouldnt care, guy shit you know . i always wanted to have sex with the hottest girls in my classes and so and still do i just dont understand why them homosexual thoughts. i watched porn for 4 years age 14 to 18 about 4 times a week i would say was my average . i think this was gods wake up call to get me away from ponography and see women as amazing. Pretty and intellegent im currently on my 38th day porn free and masturbation i had wet dreams (2) which i believe is normal. I already went thru all the fatigue, depression,sadness,nausea,headaches and all that, i have gotten larger boners i have noticed. Its just my intrusive thoughts that are not letting me be happy rn. But ik god will be there and give me the peace i had in my mind . what are yall thoughts ?
     
  13. carlosfb

    carlosfb New Fapstronaut

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    Any updates to your HOCD?
     
  14. umih

    umih Fapstronaut

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    Do you recover from hocd spidy man?
     
    E.U likes this.
  15. Questioning man

    Questioning man New Fapstronaut

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    Sir I need help to get away from this situation
    I only watched them for few times
    But after knowing about hocd
    It became a fear for me
    And the thought I'd not going out of my brain even I quit it
    And it became a lot of stress and anxiety for me
    Every time if i hear the word gay
    It's creating a lot of fear for me
    And every time I see a girl
    The next second this thought is coming into my brain and ruining everything
    Please help me to come out of this situation
     

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