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Porn Addiction and HOCD?? HELP!

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by SpideyMan, Dec 14, 2014.

  1. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    Well I just got an official OCD diagnosis from the psychiatrist. My therapist spoke with him and shared all of his notes with him and the guy said I have a case of "classic textbook OCD." I am getting a full evaluation next week, and although the diagnosis could technically change, the therapist said it is highly unlikely. They seem very sure I have OCD. I will ask about getting CBT therapy or maybe ERP (whatever they offer me I suppose).

    It's not your fault honestly. You didn't know. From what I understand, some people with (H)OCD feel better being told that they could be bisexual or that sexuality works on a spectrum. I guess in my case it actually makes it worse because being bisexual is more realistic than being 100% gay, so I see it as more of a reality. I don't want to feel suicidal so I'm really going to talk about all of this. I meet the therapist on Friday and then the OCD psychiatrist next week.

    I made sure to talk about my porn and masturbation problem as well. The therapist said he notices that, overall, I have very little control over a lot of behaviors, especially masturbation.
     
  2. IGY

    IGY Guest

    I wish you well and I am sure they can offer you something to at least take the intensity of your anxiety and self-destructive impulses away. Try and give yourself the time you need to heal. Don't attempt to ascertain if the therapy is working day by day, or even, week by week. Good luck man! :)
     
  3. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, IGY. Appreciate it. :)

    I think I'm going to try giving the boards a break again. I'm going to try and avoid thinking about this as much as possible and distract myself with positive stuff. I want to get back into exercising.
     
  4. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    Also, I don't think there is anything "wrong" with being bisexual or homosexual. I have a community of friends that are all very accepting, and my girlfriend is very accepting. It's just something inside of me that rejects the idea of being either of those things and I can't explain it. Honestly I don't know why I'm so afraid of it but I am. I've been a straight guy for 22 years and I'd like to continue doing that only because it feels right. Once again not something I can really explain but... I'm sure you get me.

    And for some reason, just writing that out made me feel better.
     
  5. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    This is driving me nuts. I was at K-Mart earlier this evening and was looking at some of the calendars. I came across one with a shirtless muscular man and saw his chest.... for a second it almost looked like female breasts because they were very big, and somewhat unrealistic according to my girlfriend. But now I feel knots in my stomach. I can't tell if I like it... I can't tell the difference between anxiety and arousal...

    I'm going crazy here. I went online to check how I felt when looking at female breasts vs men's breasts and I can't tell the difference! What's happening to me?? I grew up watching wrestling and never felt anything for any of the male wrestlers. I grew up reading comics and the only time I ever got aroused is when looking at hot female characters, not when looking at the men in tights. WHAT THE HELL?

    Heck... I've been hit on several times by guys in college, and I've never had any feelings for men. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm sitting here and my leg is shaking... :(
     
  6. Harley

    Harley Fapstronaut

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    I recommend you tone your post down a bit. Your narrative is borderline erotica. I'm not sure if you're here for help or just playing some sort of game.
     
  7. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    I'm not playing a game... I'm an OCD sufferer. My primary obsession has been with my sexual orientation for the past two months and I'm miserable. Please don't think I'm fooling around, okay? :(

    I didn't mean to be "explicit." I am afraid that if I leave details out then I will be misunderstood... I'm sorry.
     
  8. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    I woke up this morning feeling so depressed. I started looking at images of women and masturbating and trying to make sure I like it. Then I sometimes scroll past images of men and I can't figure out if I like it or not. So I try and say, "okay, maybe you are attracted to men, too. So what?" But it doesn't sit right with me... I have stomach knots and feel very depressed right now. :'(
     
  9. Eric Forman

    Eric Forman Fapstronaut

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    The solution is simple, just don't look at either of them, like the standard procedure is around here for when you get aroused by something. After the reboot you'll probably only have a thing for females again. Good luck, you can do it!
     
  10. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man. I kept testing myself this morning to see if I like women. It seems like I do but it still does not give me certainty about men. I hate this feeling!

    What demotivates me is the uncertainty as to whether or not my tastes will revert back or I will discover that I liked men all along. Such a sour feeling in my stomach...
     
  11. Eric Forman

    Eric Forman Fapstronaut

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    Just stop the testing and do the challenge, that's all you have to do really. For inspiration:
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8Inmzz7JPSItzWvk_duv_g

    This guy started doubting his sexuality as well (even though males weren't even in what he was watching) but he did the challenge and he was back to hetero in about 30 days, like he always was.

    Its not totally uncommon that guys start liking males from P or footage but not IRL. And from what I read it always goed back to normal when you reboot. Do some research on it here and YBOP, watch the YT vids from that guy (don't know which one anymore when he mentions the problem) and start the challenge. Anecdotal evidence says you're going to be alright, so just trust in that and you'll do fine!
     
  12. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    When I was young I had a time where a male friend and I made our penises touch... I don't remember how I felt. But I remember it being exciting at one point to change in front of others at my camp... (I was about 9 years old at the time I think). And around the age of 10 or 11 I was watching a tv show where a guy was bouncing on a trampoline and I said, "I wish he would do that naked so I could see his penis." The scared part of my brain says this is a sign that I've been bisexual all along. The rational part of me says that these things were normal for a boy that age and they don't mean anything at all.

    One thing is for sure: I have never had a crush on a guy. Ever. I've had close friendships with other guys that I loved to hang with, but they were my bros. that's it. Since I was a child I got really shy around girls and really nervous...

    But then I keep thinking about getting excited about changing in front of male friends at camp.

    I hate spiking...
     
  13. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    Help... Were those signs of bisexuality growing up? :'(
     
  14. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    Please, can someone help?

    I had a dream where I walked around thinking I'm bi, and I didn't care. I woke up having similar thoughts and now I'm depressed. I had to look at images of women to get stuff out of my mind. :(
     
  15. IGY

    IGY Guest

    The one thing we know about dreams is, they are not predictive. It is a symptom of your disorder, not your reality. Don't let this anxiety make you turn to porn for reassurance. Stay strong mate. :)
     
  16. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    What about those childhood experiences? Do those indicate anything?
     
  17. ruso

    ruso Fapstronaut

    They could if you let them. Let me be frank with you. When I was about 7, my friend convinced me to hang out with this kid a few years older then us. We touched each other sexually. I was mortified by this. It's an experience that haunted me for a long time. However the actual experience has not been repeated ever since with men. I even went as far as watching man on man porn 2 year ago. To answer forever the question if men get me aroused. I tried to jack off and did not get aroused at all. After that affirmation I now know that I don't like men.

    So how much do you want your experience to be indicative of your sexual preference? Making penises touch could be nothing, imo you may not be bisexual.
     
  18. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    The problem is that this was so long ago and I don't remember how I felt. I think I was genuinely aroused when watching the man jump on the trampline in his underwear and wishing he wouod do it naked. But the rational part of me says that at the age of 11 (or whatever) anything sexual got me turned on. A year or so after that when I first started getting really sexual, I never fantasized about that guy on tv. I always desired women when masturbating. At the very most, I think I had a fantasy where me and my friends where masturbating together in a circle and probably helped each other out... this "fantasy" maybe occurred once or twice. But 99.9% of the time I fantasized about girls. And I never fantasized about the penis touching thing either. I forgot about this completely until my hocd started.

    Problem is with my hocd is that I've masturbated to gay thoughts but I think I was having groinal responses and felt anxiety, or "a rush." And I felt extremely depressed and guilty afterwards.
     
  19. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Kids are curious and that often includes wondering what other penises look like. Most male kids worry at some stage if their dick is 'normal'. Visual checking is the most obvious way of getting the reassurance they need. Try to relax dude, there is nothing gay about that.
     
  20. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

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    Okay, IGY. I appreciate your post. :)

    I wasn't quite "worried" yet about my penis or whatever, but I remember associating the penis with pleasure. I don't think I even knew what a vagina was yet at that time or what it looked like. I didn't know how sex worked. But I knew that a penis was involved in sex and that's all I cared about.

    ---

    I remember when I took that queer media convergence class, I had to watch gay porn as an assignment. We watched it in a group and it did nothing for me, and I kinda just said, "I think I've seen enough." End of story.

    Then they started saying things like, "sexual orientation is only learned" and "everyone is bisexual," or "if you were brought up to be gay or bi then you would be." I started thinking to much about it and I started to worry a bit. A student was then giving a presentation and an unexpected image of a man's butt appeared. I got this small amount of anxiety in my stomach and was worried I liked it... I kept saying, "does this mean I'm bisexual? Does this mean I like men?" This was about 2 years ago and for a long time I forgot about it since I was obsessing over something else unrelated. Now that my hocd thoughts have become my primary obsession, I just can't think of what to make of that moment 2 years ago.

    Sorry if my posts are too long and annoying. :(
     

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