Polyamory? Non-monogamy? Relationship Anarchy?

If you're going to post in here, please be respectful of people and their choices, no matter what relationship style they have.

Anyone on here who adhere to polyamory and/or polygamy and/or non-monogamy and/or relationship anarchy, open relationships and so on, who'd like to share their general experiences and how it works out for you - or maybe how it did not work out for you?

What do you gain from being in this arrangement?
Do you have a primary partner?
What are you fine with your partner(s) doing?
Are you all dating each other or is every relation kept separate from one another?


CLARIFICATION OF TERMS:

Polyamory - having more than one romantic partner (emotional / love relation). May or may not include sexual exclusivity.

Polygamy - being married to several people, but sometimes also used to clarify having more than one sexual partner. May or may not include several love relations.

Non-monogamy - could mean any of the above, or perhaps even having a primary partner but your relationship is open to whatever you agree on (sex, other romantic relations, whatever).

Relationship Anarchy - (sometimes abbreviated RA) is the belief that relationships should not be bound by rules aside from what the people involved mutually agree upon. If a relationship anarchist has multiple intimate partners, it might be considered as a form of polyamory, but distinguishes itself by postulating that there need not be a formal distinction between sexual, romantic, or platonic relationships.


MY PERSONAL THOUGHTS:

I've been very interested in the concept of non-monogamy for the past 3-4 years, which may mean different things to different people, and I am super curious about other people in a relationship which is not 100 % sexually or emotionally exclusive.

Personally, I do not care for casual sex and having multiple sexual partners at the same time. Yet, I am intrigued by the concept of being able to kiss and flirt with more than one person. I like the concept of having the freedom of choice, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'd actually do it, if that makes sense. I used to be super jealous as a teen, but not as an adult and I have dated people where I didn't care if they had casual sex with others while dating me.

On the other hand, I have yet to experience being emotionally attracted to more than one person simultaneously (polyamory). This makes me wonder if I am monogamous myself, but not minding dating a polygamous person. I would, however, most likely have a harder time dating someone who is polyamorous as I value emotional exclusivity waaaaay, way, waaaaaaaaay higher than sexual exclusivity, but that might be because I don't really care for sex that much to begin with.

I've dated people where I could not imagine sharing them, but the ones I've seen the past 3-4 years I did not care to label as exclusive. One of which I was madly in love with, but it did not for one second bother me if he had sexual relations elsewhere. I remember it struck me as incredibly odd that I didn't mind, and thus began my curiosity about non-monogamy.

I also haven't had a labeled relationship in 9 years, btw.

So, what are your thoughts, guys and gals?

 

I have been thinking a bit about children in the mix, after you mentioned it. I don't have any children and don't really plan on having any, anytime soon. But I definitely see how that may complicate things. But I do believe it also depends on the arrangement of the people involved and social stigma. Not every poly-person is interested in sharing partners within the same group, while others again would prefer all parties to be involved in various degrees with one another, for various reasons. So maybe a couple of two poly-people, where they are each others' main partners, would raise a family - but still have their metamours (other lovers) separately from their core family. I mean, everything is possible depending on what people prefer, I guess. I don't necessarily think a situation where several people take care of each others kids, is a bad thing or setup. It has been done several times in history and is still a thing many places around the world. I guess it's more the social stigma which could be damaging to kids, rather than an actual healthy constellation of several care-givers.
Personally, where I am right now, I suppose I would prefer raising a child with one other spouse as the core family.

It's very interesting! I think I would prefer having a main partner, but I am not closed off to the possibility of more, should it naturally occur. But that is more because I have not experienced desiring several people romantically at the same time as of yet (I rarely feel romantic attraction in general), and I rarely if ever feel a need to act on sexual attraction. But I love making out with people, so I'd trade sexual freedom for make-out freedom any day! I looove kissing attractive people.

I currently have equal options as my non-monogamous partner, meaning I could go out and do whatever with whoever (well, we have established boundaries when it comes to friends) but I am not inclined to do so at the moment, because I am currently not romantically or physically interested in anyone else. But that might change. And I am fine with him pursuing sexual encounters elsewhere if he wants to.

I've been thinking about all this a lot since I posted, and what appeals to me in this kind of set-up is:

The freedom - I like knowing that I am free to do whatever I want, should I want to. Doesn't necessarily mean I am interested in doing whatever. But the knowing itself is very powerful and peaceful to me.

Less pressure - I enjoy the feeling of much less pressure to fulfill other people's needs, wants and expectations. Don't get me wrong, I love making my partner happy but it's also nice knowing that it's not the end of the world if I am not feeling in the mood to have sex or not being constantly in contact with him or be his everything, vice versa. I am a person who needs a lot of me time, where I am not expected to constantly be around other people. It also feels very beautiful knowing that we both show up each and every time because we WANT to, and not because we feel obligated to, due to a specific label and its attached set of rules and expectations. In previous monogamous relationships I have ended up feeling very claustrophobic and anxious thinking about being tied to this person only, potentially forever. Don't get me wrong, the person was wonderful, but there's just something super claustrophobic about that thought. I plan on keeping my current non-monogamous partner for a long time, but I don't feel anxious in the same way, as I know I am free to do or pursue other people (or leave), if that need should arise, and still know that he'd be there and we still would have our awesome thing regardless.
Hopefully. ; )

It keeps it fresh - not sure how to explain this, but I feel a certain type of freshness I have not felt when I was in monogamous relations. We don't have a title and I am still not sure what to call our thing, when people ask. But we do kinda refer to each other as "partner". But there is no doubt we have great chemistry, compatibility, compassion and a loving relation going on, based on so much more than sex, such as going on dates, hanging out, talking, cooking, then mixed with romantic feelings and sexual and sensual stuff when the mood is right - and not having to be around each other everyday all week (we both highly enjoy me time and space to pursue other things, such as work, friends, hobbies, etc.). I am also involved with his family and friends and they know me as his "partner", and when we show up places, we show up "together". Basically everything you'd do in a monogamous relationship, yet we are not monogamous.

Individuality and total acceptance - it's very important to me to maintain my individuality and sense of independence, or maybe interdependence. Regardless, I also choose to love my partner for their totality as a person, rather than saying they should dismiss certain aspects of themselves if they want to be with me. It's very important to me to feel like I can be myself in my totality, and this constellation with my current partner allows for that both ways. Talk about unconditional acceptance! Now, if that's not beautiful, then I don't know what is.

Communication, honesty and transparency - both are things crucial to make these things work, as is in all relationship constellations. But it has definitely forced me to communicate a lot more and a lot more sincerely than in any other romantic situation I've been in, and I love that! It has also made me deal with a lot of past triggers, concerns, patterns of relating to others romantically and patterns of jealousy and WHY that feeling may arise, and I actually find my jealousy to be very, very minimal and often it's not even about other people, but my own insecurity about whatever ingrained shit from my past about completely different things. I don't feel jealous, because I am not worried he is going to abandon me. I strongly believe that by both of us to being free to potentially do whatever we have to, is continuously strengthening our bond and loving feelings tremendously and that creates security for me. Don't know if it makes sense.

Love is allowing the other to be free - I am also definitely biased due to my definition of real love being unconditional. It feels weird to me setting boundaries on another person in order for them to be worthy of my love, vice versa. I also don't want to possess anyone (I want them to show up freely every time) and I do not want to be possessed. It can often breed jealousy and resentment. I want people I love to be free to be themselves and therefor be as happy as they can be! So after years of getting into Buddhism and Hinduism and unconditional love, I suppose that definitely also turned me away from conventional monogamy (haven't been in a monogamous relationship in 9 years).

NOTE: I am definitely NOT saying other relationship constellations, such as monogamy, cannot embody the above things. So please don't assume I'm bashing monogamy, as that can be a wonderful constellation too.

 

@primaljade

That sounds super interesting. I'm very much looking forward to any other input from you when you get the chance!

Can you elaborate on how you and your married spouse go about it? Did your relationship begin monogamously, etc?

Thanks for replying!

 

I think one of the issues about mono people "breaking down" when their partner is with someone else, is because it's a break of certain rules and expectations that generally comes with the mono label. If I was in a mono relationship with all its implied rules of exclusivity and I found out my partner was sleeping around or hooking up, I would be devastated as it would be a break of a certain belief / agreement not to do those things - agreeing to exclusivity but then not adhering to said agreement / doing something behind the other's back without their knowledge or consent - then it becomes unethical aka cheating. It's a break of trust, so I completely understand their upset when it happens. Break of trust is never nice, no matter what relation you're in.

For me, it's an entirely different situation in an open thing, since I already know what to expect and what is going on, so there is no break of trust or agreements or whatever. It may not make sense to most mono people, but it's a huuuuge difference! I am all about trust and transparency with any relation (friends, family, whatever) and I accept nothing less. When you know who you're dealing with, it is up to you to decide whether it would work for you.

That's also why I personally don't want to set any rules for what people can't or cannot do. I can and will only express my own boundaries, whatever they are, and together figure out if we are compatible. For example, my guy has a boundary which is his own friends (and the friends of the person he is dating). I am personally not inclined to wanting to date or see people within the same social circle (I always date people waaay out of my regular social circle - that's just my preference), so adhering to that boundary of his, is absolutely no problem for me, vice versa. So as long as no one is losing themselves to please the other and everyone is consensual and happy, then I think people should go for it, whatever the constellation.