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PMO free, but not free from "Love addiction"

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by thomasnl, Jan 11, 2016.

  1. thomasnl

    thomasnl Fapstronaut

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    I started on nofap almost 40 days ago, I haven't P/MO or PMO during this time.
    Yet I seem to get caught in this loop of having a crush on a girl I used to suffer from during my pubescent and prepubescent years. I am going to quote myself from my log to prime the situation.
    Now there is this girl in our church which I thought was very pretty for a long time, since last Christmas I can't put her out of my head.
    This all wouldn't be much of a problem (yet still fully based in my fantasy, not reality), if not for me being married! I do love my wife, and I do want to be true to her.
    A few minutes ago I saw lionace recommend this book called Escape from Intimacy by Anne Wilson Schaef.
    I haven't read the book, so I looked it up and amazon tells me this about it:
    Schaef applies the addictions of sex, love, romance, and relationships to her broader addiction theory and clearly defines and contrasts the relationship addictions.
    Erm.. yes, this is interesting. Here on nofap we talk mostly about porn addiction, and in lesser measure about masturbation addiction, sometimes about sex addiction, but barely ever about love addiction or romance addiction.
    The latter two seem to have some affliction over me. Does anyone have the same struggle, to break away from potential relationships purely based in fantasy? Did you also experience this to be a persistent pattern throughout your life? What's the rationale behind it, the physical or psychological background that it originates from?
    I think it's quite alarming, since it can only end one way; with pain, rejection, suffering. How do I overcome this?
     
  2. thomasnl

    thomasnl Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your opinion.
    It does not help me crush these thoughts though.
    I've read up on the subject a bit, there seems to be a clear distinction between love addiction, romance addiction and relation addiction. I think my symptoms match romance addiction the best, or "the compulsion to fall in love".
     
  3. thomasnl

    thomasnl Fapstronaut

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    I recognise to some extent the fear of being abandoned. Just like you I cannot find a good childhood memory to relate this to, though my childhood wasn't that sparkly. I think my string of crushes began in 1st grade (probably 6 years of age) and never stopped thereafter, with a small break (a few years) when I met Jesus and when I met my wife.
    This the more makes it so hard for me now; I love my wife, she know I am struggling with PMO, but ever since I stopped PMO the serial romancing popped up again.
    I always was way too shy (or maybe deep down I didn't want) to approach a girl. I've had a crush on well over a dozen girls, maybe even two dozen. Yet I have had just one girlfriend before I met my wife, I was 11 back then, and she approached me.
    I have trouble relating to my feelings (maybe I'm just too insecure, or too afraid to admit my inner hurtings to myself), and since it's been going on since forever, it's hard to tell for me if this has any impact on my emotional stability.
    Thank you for sharing your experiences, I hope to learn more and go on the second path of recovery through nofap.
     
  4. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    Thomasnl,

    An addiction or addictive behavior is hurting us all. One way or another. We are wired in a way (variant or byproduct of the coolidge effect???) that once we are in permanent contact with a spouse or GF, routine "for some" a level of monotony kicks in. Whether its physical,sexual or emotional. That is why being in a monogamous relationship is a challenge to some. Its a learning curve and some have a hard a hard time to adapt. Being addicted to falling in love, the roller-coster of adrenalin and emotions, is a period of time that is fading away quickly. Then one addict might need another fix. This is different than what nofap is about, but in the end, we are all addicts.

    To me, in a nutshell: Think about the level or risk you are ready to take, just like investing money. Are you a high-risk person willing to buy/sell on the stock market? (risking to lose your spouse and/or your love for her). Or you are less risky, don't try to seduce/seek crushes (and learn to be fully fulfilled being a monogamous and true to one person).

    Don't get me wrong, look at the divorce rates and infidelity...not being happy with one spouse and somehow trying to "get a fix" is an addiction, a risky behavior that might hurt you somehow.

    One way or another, the brain wants more gratification, rushes, dopamine, etc.
     
    TinyT likes this.
  5. thomasnl

    thomasnl Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your honesty @onastreakkid I wish I could give you advice, but I can't. Just know that guilt is non-productive, it pulls you down, rather than help you grow. If you are a Christian, you should remember that God does not hold our trespasses against us, since His Son has paid in full for our transgressions. Acknowledge your struggles to yourself, denying or fighting them most times makes it just harder to deal with.
     
  6. onastreakkid

    onastreakkid Fapstronaut

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    Well thanks for the words...
     
  7. Urm,,, Can you manage two relationships at once? If yes,then ask your wife about it.Ask her that whether it would suit her or not to have a second wife but still loving the first wife.I know in this world,Polygyny may be next to impossible scenario but I'm just too excited to see the possibility of it.It will surely affect the balance of the sex ratio of the world,but sometimes if the situation demands this type of thing,it's better to do it if YOU feel right.
    Also be prepared for polyandry if you will be going for polygyny.
    -That was my opinion.You are free to do what you consider right.It is YOUR decision with whom to share your love with.
     
  8. Digg217

    Digg217 Fapstronaut

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    I read a while back that addiction doesn't come from the highs (in your case fantasy), but it comes from the lows (shame).

    Since I started working part time with a bunch of women I've had a few crushes. The emotions coming with a crush would strike me very hard. I would get nervous at the thought of our next shift together, and what I would say, what I shouldn't, how we'd interact. After beginning nofap it made it easier to deal with.

    Something that I think might help you is allowing yourself to be okay with having a crush. This sounds weird, I know, but look at it this way, the more you resist a crush the stronger your thoughts about it become; conversely, the less you resist, the weaker the thoughts will become, and ultimately persist into nothing.

    Like any addiction, this crush thing is a part of you, and it's up to you to manage it the best way possible. To me, the opposite of resistance is enjoyment. The more I enjoy, the more I give in, the less I resist, the faster it dissipates.

    When I say enjoy, I don't mean pursue the girl; this is about addressing what's going on in your head so you can manage your life in a healthy way.
     

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