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Please tell me it gets better

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn, Nov 10, 2017.

  1. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    Put SPIN browser on that phone ASAP. It locks out all other browsers and logs everything. It’s been a mental sanity saver for me.
     
    TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn and Kenzi like this.
  2. TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn

    TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn Fapstronaut

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    My husband and I had a huge fight last night. I feel like such a hypocrite for posting hope on the board for other users. I thought I had my shit together but it was just a series of triggers... the woman in the restaurant, him staying up watching tv alone last night, the phone tracker not working. I spent all afternoon reading the relapse board and when DH came home from work I attacked. He got defensive and he admitted a side effect of his new antidepressant was getting easily irritated - so why are he on an antidepressant?! He has ADHD so everything has the opposite effect on him. He keeps bragging that he's 6 months P free but it makes my skin crawl becasue he only started being honest 6 weeks ago so I'm not going to be proud of him. He doesn't understand why I can't work together as a team. Because he destroyed my entire life as I knew it! He slept in the basement again last night after only 2 days back in our room and I cried so hard I could barely breathe and thought about all the lost progress and how things will NEVER get better. Then I scooped my daughter out of her bed and held her close all night. I don't want to get divorced but this roller coaster is killing me.
     
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  3. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Ugh, I'm sorry. I had a really similar night as well and have the same feelings. It sucks so much. Hugs.:emoji_blue_heart:
     
  4. Zoë Smith

    Zoë Smith New Fapstronaut

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    Hi, sorry things are rough, going through similar situations.. we have been using net nanny software which honestly I'm sure a tech savvy person could figure ways around..he has a degree in computer something or other so he already knows more than I do... u fortunately net nanny has been working on there software and it hasn't been availbe the last 2 weeks we need a better option what do y'all recommend?
     
  5. TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn

    TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn Fapstronaut

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    I have been looking into Ever Accountable. PhoneSheriff upgraded their software but still won't monitor incognito tabs.

    Last night my husband and I were talking about our days, which led to talking about his recovery (nothing new). I asked if there was anything else he wanted to talk about before bed and he paused for a long time. Then he said someone brought a P magazine to work but he didn't look at it. At first I was mad - it should have come up earlier in the conversation, right? But he was honest so I couldn't be mad, right? So I told him I wanted to go to bed and we left it. But today I woke up so angry. He's the boss; wtf kind of workplace is he fostering that this is normal? Assuming he didn't say anything to the guy? Then how did he know abouy the magazine? What exactly was going on? Who brings P magazines to work?! Sitting home alone fuming and spiralling back down into depression. :(
     
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  6. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry to hear that @TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn. My husband and I have a system where if anything like that were to occur, or my husbands friends brought up porn or something, I told him I'd like to be notified within an hour of it happening and not go about my day and then only later after hanging out for hours with him find out something like that. For us, luckily nothing has ever come up. But maybe when talking to your husband, you can mention that if something like that happens again, you would like to be notified within a certain time frame? Also if he is the boss, I think that is something that is strange. I would assume that's not work appropriate and that he as the boss should talk to that employee and give them a warning. I know lots of companies have a no porn tolerance, and that's why big companies track their computers so they know their employees are working and using their time wisely.
     
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  7. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    Hi @TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn.

    That reminds of something recent w/my bf. His brother (who he's confided he has a "problem with porn!") texted him several Psub type or R-rated images (trying to relate it to soccer), and my bf told me and showed me as soon as I got home. He almost just deleted without telling me, but he caught himself and decided to tell me as soon as he could and also keep the text if I wanted to see it. He deleted it as soon as he showed me. I think he handled it the best way possible. Now I'm hoping he makes it clear to his brother how important it is NOT to send him stuff like that.

    I'm glad your husband was honest. I'd be frustrated it took awhile, too. Maybe some kind of verbal agreement about how and when to handle these kinds of issues would be helpful going forward.
     
  8. TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn

    TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn Fapstronaut

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    I went to my dad's with the kids this weekend and my husband stayed home not because we weren't getting along but because we couldn't find a dog sitter. He always complains he can't workout when the kids are around (which his therapist says is part of his recovery) yet he didn't work out at all while we were gone. And he watched Forrest Gump which I'm pretty sure has nudity and explicit situations in it. I'm so disappointed. I told him if he's not going to try 100% then I'm out. I hate feeling so bad. As soon as I feel a twinge of optimism I fall right back down to where I started.
     
  9. TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn

    TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn Fapstronaut

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    Since this has become like my journal, i have an entry.

    As part of my husband's recovery he decided to get a tattoo that specifically symbolizes us and our family (I won't get into too much detail). I thought it would be small, like post-it note sized, but it's the entire length of his forearm. And the colors are really bold and bright. I'm trying to be supportive but... what if I don't like it?! I understand the gesture is sweet and it's his best effort to show me he's in this permanently but now I have to look at a tattoo that I don't like everyday? Or will I just get used to it? Should I say anything to him about it? I feel like he can tell that I'm not into it.

    The experience was something else! I held his hand for the first time in 2 months for support and he passed out from not eating. I guess it helped to see him vulnerable and feel like for once he needed me.
     
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  10. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    I would give it time. It can be so strange to see ink where there was none (my husband also got both forearms heavily tattooed in the past couple of months (though I love tattoos). Your husband did it as part of his healing and commitment to you-I think it will grow on you and until you love it I would stay quiet :)
     
  11. TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn

    TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn Fapstronaut

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    This morning he took his phone with him into the bathroom, which is (I think) one of his SAA outer circles, like a slippery slope or temptation to lead to something bad. It was something so easily avoided and after all his promises to try harder it just felt like a slap in the face. I needed to tell someone who can appreciate how crappy this feels. I told him we need to write down some real boundaries and consequences instead of just hoping they don't happen.

    He did come home at lunch and gave me a very emotional card, and I don't think he's ever given me a card before. He also brought me cheese and salami so he knows how to calm me down *eye roll*
     
  12. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    The phone in the bathroom would upset me a lot! What did he say about it?
     
  13. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, the phone in the bathroom would upset me, too, if it’s unmonitored. It’s a very slippery slope.
     
  14. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    we have a rule of no phones in the bathroom unsupervised...
     
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  16. TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn

    TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn Fapstronaut

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    Sorry haven't been on in a while. We went to therapy over the phone in the bathroom. He said it was early in the morning and he didn't want his alarm to wake me up, and all he did was play Sudoku in the tub. I said it was a slippery slope and an outer circle so he shouldn't have done it. Our therapist said we both needed to see things from each other's perspective and ease up.

    His addiction specialist told him to stop going to SAA and that NoFap sounded more like a punishment. She said sexuality is natural and he's going to need a release, if not from me then from M. I feel like M is a slippery slope too though, because he'll have to use his mind, right? But also it's only been 2.5 months since the full reveal and I'm nowhere near ready for intimacy. I was sick this week and let him hold me and that was as close as we've been. Now I'm back to doom and gloom, like this will never ever get better. And it seems like the timelines everyone gives my husband are so much shorter than the timelines everyone gives me. He's ready now and I feel like I want to give up, especially if I'm not promised the 6 months-5 years of healing I've read about. I just can't get the facts out of my head: he wanted to look at all those women, he risked everything to do it all day every day our whole marriage, and he was able to lie repeatedly to me about it guilt free. I pretend and I try but I can't get over it. I need help. :-(
     
  17. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    You sound normal.
    Your therapist sounds...I'll just say lacking (pathetic might be too strong of a word...maybe not).

    I'm no expert..but if you've been married/dating for years and years -- 2.5 months post-full-reveal..I don't see how that is enough time for the PA (or your therapist) to expect you to just "get over it".

    I wish it were thag simple / that quick ... but I know it is not.
     
  18. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Get a new therapist ASAP. I am so sorry this happened. This is wrong. Any sex addiction therapist or any porn addiction therapist knows that M is very.... it can be very slippery and lead to relapse. Sex is not a need, it's a want, a desire. We can survive without sex and without orgasm. Sexuality is natural, but porn is not, nor is obsessive Ming... if you're in a relationship or marriage... and you're a P or S addict, then you need to be having sexual experiences with their partner, not their hand or a screen.
     
  19. TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn

    TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn Fapstronaut

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    I just can't take it anymore. I think since his 90 day goal date passed he is giving up on fighting for our marriage because he's upset I'm not back to the way we were before. We still aren't touching or anything and sometimes I feel like I maybe want to, but then we have a huge fight and he is a terrible person to fight with - he gets defensive and off topic and the fight lasts days. I have bags packed for me and my kids next to me but I just can't pull the trigger. I don't want to go, I want him to change but I don't think he will. I have been sitting here crying and I don't know what to do. Help!
     
  20. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I am so sorry. I have no words..except I am sorry.

    Thoughta and prayers to you (I know that is not very helpful).
     

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