Please [still enslaved to this loneliness]

Yes, yes and yes. Don't underestimate yourself IGY. You are a strong man. Believe in yourself!

 

It was brave of @Spoon45 to come here and speak about my breakdown. I will never forget him, he taught me so much.

I don't believe I am a strong man, quite the opposite. I suck at relationships as you can see quite clearly^. I'm fucked! :'(

 

Thank you Spartan17, you have been very supportive. But given enough time, everyone leaves me in the end. Why? :'(

 

I suppose all good things come to an end
Here is a modern psalm of sorts

The shadows I hide are the shadows that bind me
These dark corners becoming the walls that define me
And with this weight on my heart I don’t know what to do

But I know that I need you

Well I recently lost love andgrief wrapped around me
And I rely on the tears that your Spirit provides me
Still I fail to give like you gave before me

But I know that I need you
Yes I know I need you

The prayers that I pray are the ones that you teach me
So why is my mind in a million pieces?
Oh for the contrite heart is what is your desire and choose

And I know that I need you
Yes I know I need you​

 

Right

 

Thanks again @Rubidium. Very poignant lyrics. You have been so understanding of how I feel. I appreciate it sooo much!

 

Thanks claw and Headspace. It is gratifying to see the progress of those I have assisted to reach for and attain their goals.

 

Hmm, turns out I was right after all. A few hours ago, I caved in and masturbated to my favourite porn genre. [twice]

 

I'm sorry to hear that! I'll pray for you. You'll do even better this time. Don't give up!

 

Thanks @Headspace. What an interesting way to look at it. It has helped me to reflect on one of the bizarre manifestations of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): feelings are facts. Of course, that is not the reality, which is your point. In my perception (when I am in the sway of the disorder), what I feel is... what is. In retrospect I can see that it is, in fact, a distortion. Perhaps I have a strength hitherto hidden from me, who knows? Something to cogitate anyway. Thanks mate.

 

For an explanation of how/why this happened and the lessons learnt, please click on this link to Reset and Relapse Reports:

https://www.NoFap.com/forum/index.php?threads/i-sought-comfort-from-porn.88513/

 

Well, twenty-four hours on from the double relapse referred to earlier^, I found the chaser effect was quite persistent. I wanted to revisit that same porn genre, find another 'perfect' video, masturbate and cum to it. But the decent part of me did not. I kept getting fragments of the sex I had watched the day before. Almost like stills taken at various stages of the scene. Put simply, my body was craving another dopamine spike! But I toughed it out in spite of my emotional fragility.

The input in this thread has been so enriching and uplifting! There have been some truly extraordinary expressions by you guys. It feels very undeserved on my part. Notwithstanding, I sure do appreciate your wanting to encourage me.