PLEASE read- I need some advice here..

Hey,

I'm married and I struggle with the exact same issues; porn, dating websites, not wanting to be intimate for long periods of time. I say that because not only are you not alone, but there are practical ways to address your issue.

I've only been a member on this site for about 24 hours and I've already learned so much. One of the most important things I'm learning is that relationships are a direct function of the impulse decisions we make(i.e. decision to watch porn/masturbate). When I give in to the "urge" it sets off a series of 2nd and 3rd order effects.

It makes me believe that I don't need my spouse to feel good; and that causes me to desensitize from my relationship. Good relationships are built on a mutual trust where each person wants to meet the needs of their partner. There's so much that's wrapped up in the process of getting to know your partner so that they can actually meet those needs, but your partner will never know if you keep that away from them. Understanding how to meet those needs is what really drives a romantic/successful relationship. Regardless of how absurd you think you might sound, you at least need to be honest and voice your thoughts because if you are putting an unattainable standard on your partner(something you saw while watching porn), you'll never become fully conscious of it if you don't think and talk through your feelings.

 

If you make the decision that you want to meet women on tinder because a (I presume) long distance thing with your girlfriend isnt working you have to break up with the girlfriend. If you think you are using tinder like porn in a compulsive fashion which is unhealthy then dont do that. If you want to date multiple women instead of one and it isnt unhealthy thats fine too...just gotta be honest with current girlfriend.

As to this divide conflict stuff lets not overcomplicate this. You want to have sex. Your current girlfriend is unavailable. You are looking for either a) other women or b) porn.

Porn is bad. Stay away. I am too old for tinder and dont understand all the specifics but if you have addictive behavior around pretty women on the internet and this provides pretty women on the internet it is also bad. Cheating on your girlfriend is bad as well.

 

I wanted to question the idea of a need for porn. Are you saying you need porn less because you can have sex? If so, speaking for myself, I can say that porn was a replacement for sex. I never had a 'need' for porn. I just enjoyed the titilation and the orgasm. I enjoyed it more than sex because I was completely in control and could go wherever I wanted to with it. But this was pure selfishness. Selfishness ultimately is an enemy of real sex, especially good sex. I don't look at my past porn usage as filling the need for sex but as fulfilling my selfish desires. As time went on I wanted sex less and less because of porn.

Why do you create accounts to cheat? Why are you like this? Well, you're human. You are tempted. Temptations are always things we are attracted to. Almost everyone is attracted to sex. There is nothing wrong with having temptations. It is what we do with them that matters.

A temptation to create an account to cheat is just a temptation. There is nothing wrong with that. You experience that internal conflict over creating a new profile because it is wrong. You shouldn't do it. But it would be fun so you are tempted. Listen to your conscience. Life is a series of choices. Each choice moves us on a trajectory. A choice for good moves us towards goodness. A choice for bad moves us towards badness.

Each time we ignore our conscience it becomes easier the next time. So if you fight the urge, but give in and try to cheat, then the next time you have the temptation it will be harder to resist. Luckily you can undo that by consistently fighting the temptation from here on out.

The temptation to cheat is the same as porn. It is a selfish desire to gratify yourself. It is a desire to have a world of no rules where we can get all the pleasure we want. But that isn't reality. These pleasures (cheating and porn) won't make you happy. They will give you pleasure briefly, for a few minutes, but just as soon as that passes it will make you feel bad and drag you down.

So there is nothing particularly wrong with you. You have temptations to do things which aren't good. So do I and so does everyone. You've given in to them and thus find it harder to resist now. But the good news is you can resist them. And the more you resist them the less the temptations will be.

 

For decades I wondered why I had obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors surrounding porn. Every time I wanted to do the right thing there were parts of my brain that wouldn't let it go. When I finally understood that this was an addiction and read some of the books in signature, then I finally was able to put all the pieces together.

Addicts use things/images/events to alter, sooth, medicate, numb, or escape from negative feelings. It can be something as minor as boredom or loneliness, as serious as childhood trauma, or to medicate a mental health issue such as depression or anxiety. Addicts put themselves in a 'trance' or 'autopilot' mode when we look at porn or obsess about sexual behavior. It puts us in a pain-free, judgement-free, stress-free environment. For a period of time all our problems go away. The illness part is that instead of turning to healthy sources of comfort, we mistakenly believe we can be happy if we sink deeper into addiction, look at porn more often, or look for ways to act out in real life. We form compulsions that make it almost impossible to resist a course we know to be harmful.

When we start our reboot we are starving our addiction. Our brains have been in a sexually excited state for so long that when we stop feeding it then we feel extremely uncomfortable. Our addiction will search for any loopholes in our defenses. It doesn't care about the consequences because feelings are irrational. All our addiction wants to do is medicate away the pain. The very act of stopping causes real withdrawal symptoms and we crave it even more than before.

People mistakenly think they have a high libido when really it's the hunger we feel from our addiction. Your girlfriend could have been acting as your medication. Now that she has gone home for a while the addiction still wants to be fed... the brain wants to be stimulated. The idea of cheating is exciting. The idea of meeting someone new is exciting. The act of creating profiles is exciting. Depending on your situation, you might be feeding the addiction without even going through with cheating on your girlfriend. The excitement alone can make you feel alive and make the depression go away for a while.

If you were relying on your girlfriend too much during your reboot then you have not built up the coping skills needed to fight this addiction. You need to start looking for ways to address your triggers and learn to cope with the triggers you can't remove. There may also be more mental issues lurking below the surface and a therapist might need to help you unscramble them. Does your campus offer student counseling? College can be a very stressful time and our addiction can be a huge false comfort. Take advantage of the resources available to you before things start to escalate.

 

With your 24-hour seniority here, you really hit the nail on the head. I wish my BF understood these things so easily and fast. It seems we are healing slower than our relationship is deteriorating :-(

To the poster: you seem to believe that entering a relationship will help you rid yourself of P. So did my BF, but it doesn't last. After an initial high, you will slip back to your "normal" habits, unless, of course, you are planning to do some serious healing. TBH, starting a relationship now is probably not fair to your GF, knowing what you know about your habits.