Please guys, help me understand

The myth of "every guy wants a bigger penis, girls care about how long your penis is" is total bullshit.

Find confidence in yourself and know how to use your penis and you are fine.

So, that's an excuse to watch porn or a conseguence of watching constant porn.

But you said he said he doesn't watch porn.. I doubt it.

Anyway, convince him that doing all of those stupid things about weight on your penis and all of that is just waste of time. A penis is not a muscle so it can not get bigger.

And if he has any porn videos, tell him to delete them, and convince him to embrace the NoFap lifestyle. Good luck.

 

I'm sorry but I have to agree that it doesn't really pass the smell test.

Getting serious about being PMO-free usually involves staying clear of things to stimulate the penis--cock-rings and dick weights obviously run counter to that. Especially if there is also resistance to full transparency.

Recovering addicts who don't have anything to hide usually are ultimately fine with proving it. So if this has been a long-standing issue as well...it doesn't look good IMO.

Best of luck to you both as you navigate this.

 

Boy, do I hear you loud and clear on that. Not to put words in your mouth, but to me that was an experience of betrayal and a dislocation of reality--where what was "known" was all of sudden in question, and it felt impossible to discern between trusting/giving the benefit of the doubt/being supportive and accepting bullsh*t/hiding in denial. (I was in a relationship with an addict who was "acting out".) I'm very glad to see you reaching out for answers and learning from the experiences of others. For me that was really the start of healing.

You're in the right place. I hope you continue to find support from people on both sides of this issue; your husband as well. As I saw in another thread, two people united in purpose can do anything--including put this firmly in the rear view mirror.

 

Well first of all congratulations on 30 years that's great! Yes it seems to me he is still watching pom because he seems to be insecure about his size and that's usually I sign that he watches it. Mabe call him on it I'm not really good at giving advice o still fighting this addiction myself, but I wish you the best of luck and I'm sure everything will turn for the better.

 

It's nice to see your thread end up in the right folder so that the right eyes a see it and offer advice.

One thing addicts do is form relationships with their addiction. They learn to love it, nurture it, and protect it. Long time addicts have had a lifetime of concealing their addiction. Their secretive behavior becomes second nature to them. Over time the relationship with porn supersedes all other relationships and if it is threatened they will fight to protect their addiction. Even the possibility of their addiction being taken away can cause extreme distress.

I cannot say for certain that he has a porn addiction, a sex addiction, a camming addiction, or chatroom addiction. I would trust your gut over what he's saying. One clue might be if he has other addictions. Many addicts actually have multiple addictions. Does he smoke? Does he drink? Does he gamble? Does he buy scratch tickets? Is he a compulsive shopper or eater? He may have multiple ways of 'medicating' his inner pain.

Addicts surround themselves with delusional thinking in order to continue to participate in behavior they know to be harmful to themselves and others around them. Logic and reason does not work and cannot penetrate the bubble of delusional thinking. Which is why addicts have to hit a rock-bottom moment to wake them up.

Fear of disclosing is powerful. Depending on what he's seen or how he views his own habits will depend on how likely he is to opening up. The shame, guilt and embarrassment are sometimes too much for people to face. How many times have we heard about people caught with child porn killing themselves rather than going on trial. We hold no sympathy for them, but we can draw a lesson from them... fear will make people go to extraordinary lengths to conceal their behavior.

Addiction also tends to prey upon other mental weaknesses and insecurities we might have. Issues of power, pain, pleasure, authority, and self-worth are all exploited by porn. Add delusional thinking, insecurities, and unrealistic body images portrayed in porn might have caused your husband to buy and use penis enhancement products. I'm sure he's probably bought pills before graduating to actual 'exercise' equipment.

If your husband has had a lifetime of avoiding emotional issues then he is a candidate for addiction. It used to be a manly thing to not talk about your feelings. Many of his generations didn't know how to talk about their feelings. Is it any wonder that alcoholism and other addictions are closely linked to people who are emotionally unstable. Alcohol and drugs have garnered the lions share of attention, but porn can medicate the same conditions. I had my addiction for over 25 years before I realized it was not just a habit but a full blown addiction.

I hope these thoughts give you something to think about and use. I hope you receive the advice, information, and support you need to fix your relationship and return to happier times.

 

I never thought about it the way you put it... maybe he is doing those 'exercises' in a desperate attempt to cure himself of ED? Maybe he's doing it, not to lengthen 'it', but to strengthen 'it'?

You also mentioned how you were hoping he would experience ED while looking at porn. When addicts realize what they are looking at does not arouse them in the same way they compensate. They look at porn more frequently, look at more hardcore forms of porn, switch genres, or start acting out in real life. We fail to make the connection that our performance in the bedroom is related to our porn viewing habits.

All addicts have the same objective in mind when they use. Addicts use objects/events/images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape negative emotions. Alcoholics, drug users, gamblers, compulsive shoppers, compulsive eaters, video game addicts, and social media addicts share this same attraction. But when boys are exposed to PMO during their formative years they use it as the one sole coping mechanism in their lives and fail to learn other ones.

You also mentioned how older guys might have an easier time getting rid of this addiction. I made a most last year addressing this idea. I'll repost it here.

I wanted to talk a little bit about why some think it's easier for us +40 guys to stop or PMO addiction. One reason thrown out there is that it's easier because we didn't grow up with high speed internet so it's not as deeply ingrained. That's stupid.

If anything, us older addicts have been on the cutting edge of technology and using that technology to feed our addiction. We quickly discovered where to rent movies for our VCR's, how to order movies for our DVD players, how to find movies on cable tv, how to look at pictures on our dial-up internet connection, how to download movies with our high speed internet connection, and how to find it on our phones. We created the market for those products.

Also, we have had financial independence for a longer period of time. We had jobs and were able use use our money to purchase porn in any form we desired. We were able to indulge to our hearts content and explore increasingly intense forms of porn. We have been addicted longer and more deeply than any other age group.

So why is it (relatively) easier for our age group to achieve recovery? I think it's because of the evolution of our addiction. We're at the end of the line. We are way past the curiosity stage where we're looking to educate ourselves and explore our sexuality. We're past the mental and emotional dependency stage where we use it to medicate our negative emotions. We're past the point of the behavior dependency stage where our lives become more and more centered on porn... where we build rituals... where we isolate ourselves... where we build walls around ourselves.

We may have reached the point where the pain can no longer be medicated by our addiction. We may no longer find enjoyment in our addiction and it may start to feel like slavery. This last stage also is characterized by very painful consequences finally coming to surface - getting divorced, getting a 2nd divorce, being arrested, being fired from your job, developing additional addictions, feeling suicidal, or experiencing stress related illnesses.

This is often when we hit rock-bottom. A teenage boy is scared when his little willie doesn't work but he's not going to change. A man in his 20's who's addicted to porn and sleeping around doesn't understand he has a problem and a day of reckoning awaits him . A man in his 30's who's married doesn't realize he's pushing his wife further and further away and is running headlong towards divorce. A man in his 40's or older finally has that moment where he realizes that happiness does not come from PMO. Sometimes that realization is forced upon us.

Men in our age group realize that change is inevitable. We have to change because the consequences of continuing our addiction is too severe and too painful. Our addiction cannot block out that much pain. We may realize we have no more chances left. We also have wisdom accumulated over many years. We may finally have the maturity to finish growing up. Our recovery isn't any easier than those other age groups but we have a lot more incentive and more tools available to us to increase our chances of success.
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I hope this gives you a little more hope for the future.

 

Perfectly put