PKL: My Story, My Heartbreak (possible triggers)

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by alphazingersalsa, Jul 8, 2019.

  1. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    I’m 38 years old, about to divorce a marriage just a few months shy of 10 years.

    We have a beautiful 8 month old daughter.

    Here’s my story, and it’s a long one so please bear with me!

    I met him when I was 24. He was perfect to me! After a string of “bad boys” and player, there he was, a gentle soul - kind, caring the one who would do anything for me. Treated me
    Like his princess!

    I’ve always been sexually confident and open, as one might say. I enjoyed sex and had no qualms talking about it. We had a fantastic sex life dating! It was amazing what he would be up for doing to keep our relationship
    Spicy! We’d talk about sexy women and at one point, he’d send me photos of
    Sexy models he said reminded him
    Of me. I didnt think of anything of it, in fact,
    I was flattered!

    2 years into dating, he moves to the US and we started a long distance relationship. It wasn't without struggles, for sure! I always wanted
    To talk to him
    Via
    Webcam and phone. I noticed
    Him
    Being lukewarm in our calls and I chocked it up
    To him enjoying his newfound career in the US. As years went by, I became
    Anxious. Who wouldn't be? A long distance relationship, separated by oceans and 14 hour time difference? I was approaching my late 20’s and wanted to settle down.

    Fast forward - we had a fun-filled planned wedding in Vegas, with just our closest friends and relatives.

    He was my home, I always said. I felt
    Safety in his presence.

    Sex was great married!

    Until a few months later.

    We’d go on without sex one week, then two...Then more...

    He said he was tired. I get it! American life - we had no help, we had to do our
    Own chores on top of our jobs (we had help in our home country) so, sure I get he was tired. On top of that, the reality of being married - paying bills, etc. It was the thick of the recession and he was the sold breadwinner then. Maybe it was that.

    Newly married with nothing much to do in our studio apartment when he was at
    Workd,
    I logged in
    To his laptop one day and found links
    To escort sites! I ignored it. Maybe it was from the time
    We were still dating long distance? I thought to myself, I’ll give
    Him
    That. I did ask him
    About it, he said it was
    For research bec they were planning a bachelor’s party.

    I finally found a job in retail. Perhaps me helping out a bit financially will reignite our sex life? Unfortunately it did not, I
    Told myself it was due to the erratic work schedule. I too was tired!!

    Finally found a 9-5 job. Maybe this would reignite our sex life! Unfortunately, we had to
    Move 50
    Miles for this for me
    But he kept his job. So thats a 50
    Mile one way commute for
    Him
    Daily. To add to that, we were
    Trying for a baby and could not conceive. Sex had to be timed perfectly. That alone was stressful.

    We conceived in late 2014
    But that one ended in a miscarriage. Infertility struck us and it made me
    Miserable and sad.

    Anniversary 2016. We had a nice dinner and some wine. I rested
    For a bit in our bedroom while he watched TV. After resting a bit, I checked on him and our dog only to find him watching porn in our 65 inch screen TV. You can imagine our anniversary didn’t turn out well. His reason for that - “we were talking about it at work, like guys do and I was curious”

    2017, still no baby, I decided to go see a specialist. Doctor said I had issues so that was yet another heartache to deal
    With. March 2017, I got hold of his phone and found a snapchat account I did not know about and he’d been viewing these sexy models. I was livid!! This was the time I asked him if he had a porn problem. I was still scarred from seeing him
    Watch porn during our anniversary! He was angry that I insinuated he had a porn issue and was upset that I could not let go of the porn incident that happened months ago! He said he would see a therapist for his “problem” because I thought he had a “problem”. He did not follow through and
    Did not ask because he’s always blow up when asked about porn.

    Going thru infertilty treatment was stressful. I get it, how can sex be fun if it had to be timed and it involved
    Him jerking off into a cup once in a while. He thought it was awkward to do so. In my head, “we do what we need to do for a baby, right?”

    2018, after 3 treatment cycles we conceived. Thank goodness!

    We were blessed! Everything was good timing. He was approaching his 1st year in his new job that cut his commute time
    In half.

    Around July 2018, around 5 months pregnant, they had a volunteer project at work. He said hed come home late because they had to pick up materials they had found in craigslist. I wasnt happy but whatever.

    He also had to work
    Weekends. Sure.

    I checked our phone records and found he’s been texting with a coworker consistently.

    He said it was for the project.

    That was the beginning of the end. I was very jealous - like I’ve never been before. Id snoop around - which was uncharastaristic of me. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones?

    Fast forward: baby was born, he was still messaging with coworker (by this time i was called unreasonably jealous - almost “psycho”) and in my snooping found out hes been watching chubby women try on clothes in youtube...which led me to check his laptop which led me to the x drive: a drive with meticulously saved porn videos dating back to 2012.

    This IS a problem.

    That was December. Our relationship
    Was on the rocks because of the coworker (for me) and “lack
    Of trust” (for him)

    I did not comfront him about the porn unti January. When I did he grabbed me by the shoulder and shook
    Me. No remorse in his eyes. His eyes seemed empty. He said he doesnt have a problem.

    Shortly after that, he said he was done with our marriage. Done with trying to please me
    When he can never (he wasnt as affectionate and sexual and was withdrawn and I was upset). Done with me not trusting him. “trust
    Is gone”, he says. And he only looked at porn to feel better ablut himself because I made him feel
    Inadequate.

    Around two months ago, we had been sleeping i separate bedrooms at this point, I was still snooping and found his old
    Cloud drive. There it was files dating back
    To 2004 (just before we started dating) Starting from
    The photo of the sexy women he had sent mr dating. There were ads for escorts too - downloaded when we were dating long distance!

    I confronted him about this,
    Telling him, clearly its not my fault anymore and it really is an issue because it predates our relationship. I said, I should have seen it the moment he sent me photo of that slutty model. “Did you complain then?”, he asked
    With rage. “I didn’t but...” “Did YOU complain then?! He interrupts asking louder. “No, I didn’t but...” “DONE!” He yells with
    Rage in his eyes.

    Im angry, hurt, and all other things. But I’ve a baby girl and She needs a strong mother so i fight thru daily. I did not want divorce but I cant have our daughter see emotional
    Abuse as an example...

    Im still hoping for a miracle. If not the restoration of our family, but for his healing - so he can be a father. (He seems
    Withdrawn even to her)

    Thank you for your time.
     
    goodnice 2.0 likes this.
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    My first response in reading your letter was...get the heck out of there right now. Your baby girl deserves so much more. Even though you think she doesn’t see or hear anything...she senses it. Her daddy pulls away and has nothing to do with her...she feels it.
    Honestly, you need to do what is right for you and her. Emotional abuse escalates and he has already laid hands on you by shaking you. Please take care of you and your little girl.
    Sending love and strength
     
    goodnice 2.0 likes this.
  3. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

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    This is a horrible story. I’m so so so sorry. You are a wonderful person and you don’t deserve this.

    So he is leaving you??????

    If that is the case, ( good ridance) please go to see a good divorce lawyer right away .
    To secure assets etc.

    He is seriously addicted. With no hope for change at this point.
     
    Nugget9 and Lostneverland like this.
  4. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    wow, your story makes me furious. this guy makes me so mad, holy crap. This is a horrible guy and i’m sorry you got married to him. It’s a very good thing the relationship and i cannot believe it is him ending it instead of you

    He ruined everything and by the time he realizes he has a problem and is able to change it will take years. I am really sorry for this

    i am really sorry on behalf of men for what lust can do to a man, for how much it can destroy. It’s satans plan to kill steal and destroy, and he uses porn to enable this to happen

    The worst thing about this is that i have a theory. You mentioned he went to escorts. Escorts have tons of std and disease and my theory is that the miscarriage happened because of your partners unsatisfied sexual appetite. It might not have been you that was the problem, but him, he might have ruined his sperm and weakened himself to the point that that was why infertility hit

    i read some stories of SO on here having miscarriages or baby having defects. I really think it’s potentially because of husbands pmo or escort/prostitution use. Just keep this in mind, and i hope your daughter turns out well

    Glad you found this site and i’m sorry, i truly am
     
  5. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    i can imagine him doing that. That’s what porn and lust does to a man, it leaves his soul empty and deadens the eyes. It hardens the heart

    He has the nerve to blame and get mad at you. He gonna lose everything. Divorce early while daughter is young is good, you’re right you wouldn’t want daughter to grow up to see emotional abuse.

    I grew up in my family where dad was emotionally abusive and my mom told me over and over throughout my teens that she wished she had divorced him(my father) back then, right then and there when he started being emotionally abusive to the kids
     

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