Today my PA husband left the house for work about a half hour earlier than necessary. I was already feeling a little uneasy, triggered to mistrust due to him being cold and somewhat withdrawn. He has been low-key insulting about my time management skills; to my proposal of me working one day a week and him cutting back his hours so he could spend more time with the kids. Because he’s sad to leave each morning when our toddler begs him to stay. (His version: I nag at him for working too much and say he’s a bad father. Bullshit!) He has also been very critical of our home being messy. But I have a crazy toddler, two dogs, and two 8 month twins. Plus I try to make money via freelance. So I consider this a bit demanding. Reasonable to want a cleaner home, sure, but he is very hostile, volitile. He’s objectifying me like I’m an appliance. A magical appliance that should do all things domestic, mamage the household and preferably also make money. I’m never good enough for him it seems. Trying to take that OUT of my heart and learn to be more accepting of myself. Sidebar: I’ve come to the determination that I may have childhood wounds from my mom’s narcissistic traits and that has set me up to play into my husband’s erosive narcissistic behaviors. Not saying either are reprehensible but they are definitely on the spectrum in my opinion. I’ve always been an overachiever and at times a little bit of a workaholic when it comes to creative projects I enjoy. I never really felt like others were going to provide attention/companionship I want/need so I try to become overly self sufficient while still being accustomed to be the one who takes iniative and overcomes hurdles of walking around eggshells of those I deal with. So back to him leaving the house early. When I looked at the clock and realized he had so much time to spare I call in to check on him and just see what he’s doing. He’s immediately defensive. Acts as if it’s absurd. Says I already have an accountability app on him. To which I respond that he could still be fantasizing even if he’s not on porn so the app doesn’t tell absolutely everything so I want to just talk to him. (In retrospect I wish I were not so specifically defensive about that because he explained later that it made him feel like I was conveying I will never trust him.) And from there it became the grey cloud of his tyrant tirade of voicing all his woes (because his feelings matter more than helping rebuild my trust apparently), and the woes are all my fault. And I’m inadequate and he’s miserable/stuck.... blah blah. So after not too much of this I told him that he was spiraling, misdirecting and villainizing me and that we would talk later. He hung up. Tonight he persists in being unhappy. Even when I try to validate his worth and asked him to come to me so I could hug him. He resisted. His angst is essentially driven by feeling like he has no worth. I have pointed out multiple times today that his feelings do matter and I encourage him to voice them before they become tempestuous... however when I’m bringing him a concern is not the time to burst. He should not bulldoze my concerns by flipping everything to be my fault. Gaslighting. I’m getting better at shutting it down. But now he’s the one intent on sleeping in the other room. Weird. Not helpful to overcoming this argument. (But actually quite helpful in giving me time to think and thus write a longer entry than you probably care to read. You’re welcome.) I’m at a better place since I can better recognize his mechanisms and not to buy into them. I’m more annoyed than upsey right now so that’s progress. I’m getting better at putting my health above trying to accommodate him (impossible when he goes dark like this.) I think the trouble is that the gaslighting notions are real to him. I don’t think it’s intentional manipulation. I think he has such little self-esteem that he’s depressed, enraged, ashamed and for the sake of his ego surviving, this corrosive concoction is spilled out on me. He has to latch onto someone else being responsible for his ruin. So I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. But I plan to bring kiddos to the museum with or without him because I would like to decline the invitation to his pity party.