Pity Party feat. Gaslighting! RSVP: DECLINE

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Dec 2, 2018.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

    Today my PA husband left the house for work about a half hour earlier than necessary.

    I was already feeling a little uneasy, triggered to mistrust due to him being cold and somewhat withdrawn. He has been low-key insulting about my time management skills; to my proposal of me working one day a week and him cutting back his hours so he could spend more time with the kids. Because he’s sad to leave each morning when our toddler begs him to stay. (His version: I nag at him for working too much and say he’s a bad father. Bullshit!)

    He has also been very critical of our home being messy. But I have a crazy toddler, two dogs, and two 8 month twins. Plus I try to make money via freelance. So I consider this a bit demanding. Reasonable to want a cleaner home, sure, but he is very hostile, volitile. He’s objectifying me like I’m an appliance. A magical appliance that should do all things domestic, mamage the household and preferably also make money. I’m never good enough for him it seems. Trying to take that OUT of my heart and learn to be more accepting of myself.

    Sidebar: I’ve come to the determination that I may have childhood wounds from my mom’s narcissistic traits and that has set me up to play into my husband’s erosive narcissistic behaviors. Not saying either are reprehensible but they are definitely on the spectrum in my opinion. I’ve always been an overachiever and at times a little bit of a workaholic when it comes to creative projects I enjoy. I never really felt like others were going to provide attention/companionship I want/need so I try to become overly self sufficient while still being accustomed to be the one who takes iniative and overcomes hurdles of walking around eggshells of those I deal with.

    So back to him leaving the house early. When I looked at the clock and realized he had so much time to spare I call in to check on him and just see what he’s doing.

    He’s immediately defensive. Acts as if it’s absurd. Says I already have an accountability app on him. To which I respond that he could still be fantasizing even if he’s not on porn so the app doesn’t tell absolutely everything so I want to just talk to him. (In retrospect I wish I were not so specifically defensive about that because he explained later that it made him feel like I was conveying I will never trust him.)

    And from there it became the grey cloud of his tyrant tirade of voicing all his woes (because his feelings matter more than helping rebuild my trust apparently), and the woes are all my fault. And I’m inadequate and he’s miserable/stuck.... blah blah.

    So after not too much of this I told him that he was spiraling, misdirecting and villainizing me and that we would talk later. He hung up.

    Tonight he persists in being unhappy. Even when I try to validate his worth and asked him to come to me so I could hug him. He resisted. His angst is essentially driven by feeling like he has no worth. I have pointed out multiple times today that his feelings do matter and I encourage him to voice them before they become tempestuous... however when I’m bringing him a concern is not the time to burst. He should not bulldoze my concerns by flipping everything to be my fault.

    Gaslighting. I’m getting better at shutting it down.

    But now he’s the one intent on sleeping in the other room. Weird. Not helpful to overcoming this argument. (But actually quite helpful in giving me time to think and thus write a longer entry than you probably care to read. You’re welcome.)

    I’m at a better place since I can better recognize his mechanisms and not to buy into them. I’m more annoyed than upsey right now so that’s progress. I’m getting better at putting my health above trying to accommodate him (impossible when he goes dark like this.)

    I think the trouble is that the gaslighting notions are real to him. I don’t think it’s intentional manipulation. I think he has such little self-esteem that he’s depressed, enraged, ashamed and for the sake of his ego surviving, this corrosive concoction is spilled out on me. He has to latch onto someone else being responsible for his ruin.

    So I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. But I plan to bring kiddos to the museum with or without him because I would like to decline the invitation to his pity party.
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2018
  2. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Well.... Personally... Accountability software can do alot of good... However, if you have it, before you get it, you should have already gone through the apps on the phone.
    Lots of phones come with preloaded apps that can "slip by" the program with little dirty secrets. These should be disabled prior to the install of the accountability program.
    Mostly home apps.. go unnoticed by both parties because....
    Why would a addict look so close to home? Usually they prefer the hunt or a routine they already know.
    Apps aren't perfect.
    Neither is accountability.
    It's there as a tool to help.
    You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped tho...
    And a addict who Really wants a fix....
    Will always find a way, unfortunately.
    If you want to, you can message me for more details.
    Good luck
    Trappist and Thor god of thunder like this.
  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    And how often does this occur? His rationale? I'll come back to that in a moment.
    This is what I wanted to come back to in a moment. Speaking of time management skills? if he is going to whine about "...being sad to leave each morning when our toddler begs him to stay..." and spend his time fapping about even if he is in denial and refuses to admit it, just where does he get off on talking to you about "time management"? That is so ridiculously laughable.

    Speaking of time management skills? What the hell are you doing with your time? I mean, you can't keep track of a toddler, a pair of twins, keep the house tidy, the kitchen clean, the tapestries cleaned, and pave the driveway? Why not? LOL! I think it's time to have somewhat of a role reversal for a week. Seriously consider it. You book a trip to somewhere you need to go (just make something up if you have to), and go leaving him to care for all three for a week. If that doesn't change his tune and perspective, not much will.

    BTW. make certain when you do decide to leave for a week, he is left with three with a stomach bug. Nothing like having your house smell like a shit house for a week changing diarrhea filled diapers for three! Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.
    Again, you need to, what was it he said again, "manage your time more effectively". LOL! What are you doing while you are nursing two simultaneously? Can't you mow the lawn or something?
    I'm actually going to steal this if you don't mind. I love the "appliance" analogy. There's a "Sex" cycle on the appliacne somewhere I'm sure. That is great!
    Good! Because you were always good enough. To an addict, we're stuck on stupid, so much so, we just can't see it.
    Then perhaps it is something you need to dig into and resolve.
    ...and so your marriage to him may be a self fulfilling prophecy. You need to work your way out of this one. We all have these shortcomings in one form or another.
    It is absurd. It's absurd you even had to have him install the damned software in order for you to feel safe and secure in your environment. And of course, his outrage over you calling him only reinforces yet another RED FLAG that he is active in his addiction and continues to "act out".4
    Then hit the road Jack! Stop talking. Stop gaslighting and hit the road. He's acting like a genuine addict would. And the incessant whining? It's very unbecoming and Toddler #4 like!
    That's disrespectful too. I know. I did it all too many times, and now I have so many regrets for doing it. It tells you "you just aren't worth talking to anymore". That too, is another RED FLAG!
    Woohoo! Good for you My Lady! Good for you! Shut'er down!
    I have this mental picture of my young daughter when she slugged her sister and knocked her over because she wasn't playing nicely or fairly. That is a blatant violation of the rules, but I couldn't help but laugh when she did it. She did it right in front of me and my wife, looks up and says "I go to time out now". I had to hold my composure and internal laughter as she had rationalized in her mind "I know what the punishment is for doing this, but I'm going to do it anyway because the consequence is worth it". Apparently, dear old hubby thinks it is worth it. Fine! Let him go sleep
    elsewhere. Yeah, I did that too. It is an attempt to control and manipulate you. It is also another RED FLAG!
    No it's not. Eventually he is going to tire of his efforts to control and manipulate are no longer working for him. Then he'll realize he either needs to shit or get off the pot. I'm glad to see this in you. I truly am. I'm so very proud of your progress.
    Oh yes it is. It is very intentional. It is the addiction at work. LOL, and it is working overtime because you're interfering with it.
    That would be correct on all fronts. You've really got this understanding now.
    That would be good. Do decline the pity party. I have one cautionary tale for you though. You are actively engaged in fighting his addiction head on. But you're still there. That's promising for an addict because it's hope even if he can't see it or recognize it. The fact the two of you are fighting one another is good too. That means you still have love for one another. Apathy is your worst enemy in a relationship. That's when shit gets real and the collapse is underway. You don't want to get there. Anyway, the cautionary tale is this: If you take the kids to the museum, always always always extend an invitation for him to come along. Always take the high road. Of course, if you want to, set the ground rules for the trip. "If you become belligerent, hostile, obnoxious, mean, or nasty, you'll leave. And by leave, you'll take an Uber home." If he can live by that, he can come along. If he can't, he can stay home or go do whatever it is that he does which we all already pretty much know. LOL, send his ass packing in the midst of a function like that once or twice. Really, that gets attention.
    All that @Kenzi said? Heed those warnings! There are a mountain of Apps, and installation process does matter. I attempted to start a thread to talk about this subject some months ago, because even I don't know all of them. Some people objected to the thread because it gives the addict new ideas. The intent was to identify as many loopholes as possible so as to close them for the Partner's own sanity. In the end, I just abandoned the thread, but it is worth revisiting since there are a whole new set of individuals who have cycled into NoFap as there are those that have left.
  5. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

    It’s not uncommon for him to be late. Busy days/traffic delays.

    I would love to leave on a trip! May have to at least do a weekend... I can see him complain about even that though since he usually works every day but Sunday.

    Thanks for all your comments! For some reason my phone is giving me issues with responding to more than one segment at a time.

    It feels really good for you to affirm I’m progressing in the right direction. I feel much better in general. My gloom is gone.

    You know I actually did tell him upfront he could come to the museum. He whined a bit and tried to play victim. He said I was “stealing his time” I countered him on his arguments very calmly. He said he wasn’t able to come because he was already planning to smoke brisket. I told him my timing is flexible and we could work around whenever he needed to transfer to oven. He said he didn’t want to go because we had been recently. It had been several months. My rebuttal: when he wanted to go to a pumpkin patch the weekend after I returned from our extensive separation trip— during which I went to a pumpkin patch with his mom— I didn’t whine about doing it again. I was happy to do it again so he could have that experience with the kids. And that was our last family outing so it was my turn to pick something to do. (Side note: we can go to the museum on the first weekend of the month for free. Vs his superfluous pumpkin patch visit put us over budget. A whole other dilemma...)

    Long story short I just kept calmly voicing my reasonings and showing my ability to work in conjunction with his plan without forfeiting my own goal. He griped then acted normal, then griped more, then acted normal. He gradually let go of his storm cloud. We went and the whole family had a great time. And we got to enjoy the brisket that evening which was borderline aphrodisiac in how delicious it was. I feel like this little incident may be a good incapsulation of the big picture. Hoping it’s a good omen of our future. I just hope he will eventually completely stop the ridiculous tantrums, selfishness, gaslighting, and of course PA. He claims he’s not acting out. Even if he’s not it seems his brain has a ways to go. Or he’s a narcissist and I’ll just always have to have strong boundaries. Sounds exhausting but I’ve endured this long. And now that the desperate emotional quandary and distress is gone, part of the weight has been lifted.

    I can accredit much of my growth through insights shared on this forum. I really appreciate all your advice and encouragement.
    Jennica likes this.
  6. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    Your phone isn’t the only one that screws it up. Mine does too. I’ve learned I can get the app to behave better if I go back a gage and then come back to it.

    Thank you for the update and also the growth you’ve exhibited. It is exciting to see when the trees that you planted begin to bear beautiful fruit.
    Vixen and Jennica like this.
  7. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

    Thank you!!
    I would love to know more about these home apps...I tried to message you but site told me I could not. Can’t see your profile either.

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