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PIED

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Cbelle41, Mar 20, 2018.

  1. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    In a conversation with my therapist,we discussed my SO's addiction to PMO.
    (my journal can be found here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/healing-together.159878/ )
    My SO never had much sexual experience outside of M, and had in fact never even had intercourse before meeting me.
    Of course, His sensitivity is incredibly low and his ability to maintain erection or achieve O in sexual situations is pretty shot. Makes sense when you're used to being stimulated one way for almost 2 decades.
    What my therapist and I concluded was that he has little to no connection of sex= intimacy and an expression of love.
    We are very affectionate toward each other generally. Kisses, hugs, constant cuddling etc.
    But when the clothes come off and the sexual stuff starts, he goes into "cum mode" as I call it. He loses all senses of intimacy and has the main goal of making sure he gets off and the specific ways he needs to go about it.
    Now that I know about his issues with PIED, the pressure is off of me. I no longer feel like it's because I am not attractive to him or undesirable, although I think the ED did cause him to desexualize me a bit, however subconsciously.
    My therapist said it's HIS job to face his addiction and overcome that. I agree. I can support him, but this battle is his alone.
    What we have to work TOGETHER on is his associations with sex and intimacy.
    She suggested a few activities such as nude cuddling, making out without genital contact, massage,etc.
    We are both open to this and will try it.
    But I wanted some tips, for him and for me, on increasing his sensitivity and kind of... idk how to put this...retraining his penis? Lol
    He is in hard mode for 30 days at least, so i have time before we even attempt anything sexual, but I wanted to go into it with some ideas.
    Any guys able to overcome PIED? What helped and what didn't?
    Any SO who helped your partner overcome this ?
    I believe we can make this work and I want to help him however I can.
    TIA.
     
  2. Wow. What a great perspective you've discovered regarding this. For you to have this understanding is critical and valuable. I really mean it! This is something that is quite difficult to come to terms with. I hope this insight helps you going forward.

    I've had PIED for a while now after a very, very long problem with PMO and this is essentially where I ended up. It sucks big time for the PA when they finally come to the realization that they are doing this. And yes, the desensitivity (both physical with the penis and spiritually/emotionally with the mind) will take a while to overcome. I'm still working on it, but my wife has really come around to being a partner.

    So here's some stuff that we have found helpful. Take it with a grain of salt (and other advice) and do what works for you:

    1. Being honest and compassionate about his 'failure to launch' can be very helpful. You can even lightly joke about it if that works for the two of you. If he feels comfortable being around you (and your reactions) when he is unable to perform, he will be more willing to try it again next time. That was a big hurdle for me and my SO as she would cry or get angry with sexual frustration. When she started being simply happy that we were trying, that led to me being more willing to face the uncertainty.

    2. He should be 100% with YOU. For us, if my mind wandered into fantasy, I would pause or stop until I could focus on her. His mind will wander at sometimes inopportune times. Let him know that you understand that and are willing to stop with him to reset things.

    3. Expect failure - at first. This is a major reprogramming that will need to take place. The more he abstains, the more likely you will have success in bed. But getting hard with you naked is half of it. Re-training his brain to desire what is real instead of fake is not easy.

    4. Talk about it/Make it your own to some extent. Really try to understand each others' struggles and work with each other. As you are vulnerable with him, he will be with you. You have a vested interest in him getting better: a healthy sex life. So while this is his addiction to fight, you are affected by it as well. You didn't want it, didn't ask for it, and hate it. But if you are going to try to make things work, dive into it with him and see how you can best help him get better in the fastest possible way.

    5. Hands off the penis. If he does have some desensitivity, then it's best for both of you not to touch him and let the nerve cells regenerate. Otherwise, you're just keeping them as numb as he has. That's what will make the best difference, IMHO. My wife would sometimes grab onto me and be vigorous as we've been trying to rebuild our sex life. I had to request that she either not touch me or touch me very gently.

    6. Relax and breathe deeply. Understand that this is difficult, but if you are willing, honest and patient, the two of you will get through this.

    One last note: For me, as a PA with a similar PIED past, I've kind of had to "force" myself to try to be intimate. That doesn't sound nice, as I love my wife and want to be with her. But the drive to PMO is so strong, it's my default setting. And it needs to be changed.

    After a completely unsuccessful attempt a week ago, we had a wonderful, healthy sexual session this past weekend - our first in I don't know how long. It may not go as well next time or the time after that. But we are getting to a place where we are both comfortable in just being intimate and seeing where it goes.

    HTH,
    BreatheDeeply
     
    Deleted Account and Cbelle41 like this.
  3. And let me add:

    7. Take care of yourself. Really analyze your feelings and make sure he is aware of all of them. He needs to be there for you as much as you are for him.
     
    Cbelle41 likes this.
  4. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    I appreciate that very much. I care deeply for him and I do have understanding of the addict mindset as I've dealt with it a lot with different loved ones. Before he completely came clean, there were a lot of failed sexual endeavors that left me feeling completely unattractive and undesirable to him. Like 99% of women I have my own set of insecurities that didn't help the matter. I was always wondering why we got a long so well outside of the bedroom and I knew he loved me, but how much must I suck if I can't even get him off ???
    Once everything came out, I sat back and delved deep into how this could have happened and now I feel the pressure releasing a bit.

    I had a conversation with him and told him it was OK. I said "if it fails, it's ok. I know it isn't my fault. I just want us to get to a place where we are comfortable trying."

    This is so helpful. Retraining his brain is exactlywhat I feel needs to happen.

    We decided to go hard mode for 30 days and revisit and see if we needed to go longer after. I have no issue with PMO, I do M on occasion but we're talking a once or twice a month basis. Still I decided in solidarity to abstain myself.
    I fully agree he needs to "regenerate ".

    I truly appreciate your thoughtful and extremely helpful response. All of this really gives me hope :)
     
  5. Glad I could offer something of value.
     
  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Cbelle41 likes this.
  7. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    I just briefly skimmed through this and will 100% read it thoroughly but this DEFINITELY looks like something that could help us!! This seems to be right up the alley of what my therapist was talking about. Thank you so much for sharing the info!
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    You are very welcome! It really helped my husband reset a lot of his thinking during his reboot and brought us a lot closer.
     
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