Physical Effects of PA on Partner

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by TryingToHeal, Dec 20, 2017.

  1. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Totally agree it’s not at about you or anything you did it’s about them. While they appear to be arguing with you they are really arguing with themselves. You are telling something they don’t want to hear because deep down I know it’s true. A good example is people that are gay but closeted who attack the actions of other gay persons. Or maybe a So who is not so sure her decision to stay is the best one. So she lashes out at others who are thinking of leaving. I’ve found in life not just on NoFap if you start to see things this way then you don’t get hurt as easily. And truly at this point you need to just agree to disagree and cease the conversation. They are not disagreeing with you they are having an internal argument you just happen to be there.

    Likewise when someone engages in name calling or personal attack’s what they are saying is the you have won. I think having discussions with people who disagree is crucial to learning and growing. If you have a point I don’t see explain it to me tell me why back it up with some research or personal experiences. But name calling or spewing anger simply says “ I no longer have any valid arguments to make so I’m just going to start attacking you personally to make you upset.” As a woman in a mans field when men do this to me it’s often a jab at my looks or gender. So after realizing they have nothing more they will say “stupid crazy women” or “why don’t you stop arguing with me and go dye your roots.” When two people have come to a point where they have different ideas which they have shared and can’t agree then the thing to do is say we just have to disagree and be done with it. But some people see why concession to a point other than their own as valid as a loss and they must win. So if they can’t win with an argument they will cut you down some other way to feel better.

    As far as personal journals I never kept one here but I did so in private. Often when One is upset and hurting we say things out of pain. We are so caught up at the time we don’t stop to think how our actions could hurt others. If you read something that upsets you try to see it that way first. And just stop reading. It may still hurt but unless you are personally being attacked it’s not meant like that.
     
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  2. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

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    @AnonymousAnnaXOXO - I am so sorry to hear you have sustained so much harmful sexual violence.

    It's wonderful you have turned your life experience into a means to help others. You are strong and resilient!

    I did EMDR. It helped a great deal with many aspects of the multiple traumas and triggers I have experienced. For me, EMDR made the betrayal trauma worse, though. IMHO, it was about countertransference and the therapist, though, b/c she wasn't experienced in betrayal trauma. She had previously disclosed to me about her own "stuff" with her previous addict husband, and she left her husband. Countertransference can be a big issue with infidelity b/c so many therapists have experienced it in their families, social circles, and of course, in their personal lives. Do I think she meant malice? No. It's just an issue of lack of experience causing harm.

    She was (is) very, very skilled in dealing with "traumatic scenes" though, and she works with many police officers, first responders, and such. I am not triggered (much) by my husband's graphic suicide attempt, his car (the scene), blood in general, his psychotic (blank zombie-like) expression, etc., anymore. If I get triggered, for example by seeing a suicide attempt on TV, it's mild and I can calm it down. In general, I am pretty good about avoiding that stuff in movies and shows. Good self-care.

    There is no one in our area who is experienced with both betrayal trauma and EMDR. I may do an intensive with the psychologist who handled our FTD and marital intensive. She does EMDR, too. This would involve several thousand (more) dollars and traveling quite far. I do think she & I could accomplish quite a bit if I worked with her over 4-5 days. I trust her. So did my husband. It was a breath of fresh air to work with someone who "got it".

    I had asked a CSAT about this type of therapy for betrayal trauma and it wasn't recommended. EMDR is considered the best therapy for this, but the therapist needs experience with betrayal trauma. Somatic Experiencing was also recommended as a "second line of defense" to manage the somatic manifestations of trauma. That has helped me too.

    ^^^YES! And it needs to be completed in layers. I'm currently using a process to identify the betrayal trauma triggers (which can be even more triggering), and rating the triggers form 1-10 in intensity. In the end, it will help me continue to heal.

    I know some other wives who have been doing solid, deliberate work with their triggers over 3-4 years and they are doing 80-90% better. They are also focusing on living their lives, knowing they cannot control anyone but themselves, staying true to themselves with clear boundaries, and intentionally bringing back joy into their lives in multiple ways. They are healing and thriving!

    Considering I knew only about 25% of my husband's betrayals until about 5 weeks ago, I am doing pretty well. FTD was a setback with trauma, BUT I was on a path to healing before and I know I will bounce back more quickly this time. We needed that disclosure so we could turn the page from secrets to truth. It's helpful to both an addict and the spouse.

    Part of me wants to eventually "come out" and advocate for more services in our area. This is a common problem and addicts/spouses need skilled support and guidance.

    I realize the healing process is typically 3-5 years (without major setbacks). Considering I've been married for a long time, it's worth it to me.
     
  3. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

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    @GG2002 - FYI - I don't necessarily think the poster was commenting about me; I was just trying to support the partners who may have felt hurt.
     
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  4. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Ugh! What a tricky situation for you to be placed in :( Our first therapist said "it's just porn" which traumatised me-like blaming me for my feelings. It wasn't "just porn" though- it replaced all intimacy including physical for years and contributed to years and years of lying and putting our kids and his job at risk. Oh therapists! A good one is a treasure.

    Honestly @LizzyBlanca I really admire your strength. While there has always been strength with your contributiins here, since your FTD there has been a change-towards more healing it seems.
     
  5. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

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    @Sadgirl - Thanks. I'm on a good path. It will take time.

    It brought tears to my eyes that you noticed. It really helped us both turn the page.

    Love was never an issue in our marriage, so I've had that to hold onto.

    And it really helps that my husband is working very hard on himself and why he has intimacy issues int he 1st place - nothing to do with me (intimacy is a core problem for porn/sex addicts). It's not like there was never any authentic intimacy in our relationship, but his choices along the way (and in his escalation from porn to other things) affected us slowly over time, for sure, and I realize now that I deserve more, so that's my expectation. And he's committed to working on himself, so I am meeting him right where he is.
     
  6. I think this is what is fueling most of your anger and reaction .... the thing is: isn't that very subjective? I found her comments inspiring .. you found them offensive--personally offensive because you created the thread.

    I saw her reply after the fact as trying to calm things down ... I see you copying her words in here as escalting the issue -- I get it, you want to be heard.

    I don't have any other thoughts to help calm the situation down ... other than what I said earlier about everyone has their own opinions about what "right" looks like in their exact situation -- sharing ALL of those opinions is potentially helpful and profitable for different folks.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  7. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Yes thanks that’s how I read it. I did not think it was specific to you.
     
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  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    The only thing I can say is that we are all hurting in one way or the other as a result of PMO. Me personally it caused the end of a relationship with a man I was prepared to marry. We are all hurting in different ways but we have a common cause. Sometimes if we look more to what we have in common we can gain a better sense of understanding. Not ageeement but understanding.
     
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  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I was wondering if maybe SOs could put “trigger warning” in the titles like the PA’s do and then within the post as well. That way if someone is posting something that may be traumatic someone else could see that immediately and not read it? Just an idea.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  10. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    So it is clear that A LOT of us ladies are suffering from pre-existing health conditions which have been exacerbated by the PA, or have new health problems which have arisen since finding out (whether related or not). @TryingToHeal I hope you don't mind if I create another thread about what we can do to help ourselves feel better? A positive thread on what supplements/exercises or anything SOs feel might help others? I seem to remember another thread in a similar vein but it can't hurt to create a new thread, this one contains a lot negativity (I am in no way criticising the thread, but our problems by that very nature are negative if you know what I mean, mine included).
     
  11. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

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    Perhaps in the SOs forum where we can feel safe from criticism?
     
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  12. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    No, I don't mind at all. I created this thread just to see if I was alone in having physical symptoms stemming from the PA or not. I found out I wasn't alone, and that it was actually a common symptom of trauma, which was comforting for me, and I hope for others. That's the thing I like most about NoFap for SOs, knowing I'm not alone.

    Thanks Lizzy. :emoji_blue_heart: It wasn't the PAs that said they were really annoyed by the thread, though. I don't have any issue at all with Kenzi or even that she said this thread really annoys her because she's free to feel and say that of course, but just pointing that out because putting it in the SOs forum then wouldn't make it safe from criticism from the SOs themselves. We aren't going to agree all the time, and I get that. I also don't have any issue with criticism, but I do think everyone has their own journey and others can't always know what is best for another person's situation.

    Also, on a different note, a lot of people are on these forums just reading and not joining. I know, because I did that for a while before joining. Those people can't read the SOs private forums. I post a lot of stuff public instead of private so people reading that don't feel like they can join for whatever reason can also see that they aren't alone. Maybe that is just me, or is silly, I don't know, but I feel for those people as well. Things like this that come up also may make them less safe in feeling like they could join or post (even for existing members) especially when they can't read the private group. It also may be eye opening to the PAs whose partners are having these symptoms. Like ohhhh, it isn't just my wife. Or they may have something to add to the thread like my partner had X. But yes, ultimately it definitely could go in the SO forum, you are right. Thanks for your comment. The things you've said in this thread were really helpful to me, personally. :emoji_blue_heart:
     
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think it's a good idea.
    I personally wasn't going to post my original thoughts on my life here as to not start or spread negative things to this thread as I did not see the point.
    How does this help any of you?
    It doesn't.
    I do think a thread about positive things will do us alot of good.
    I love it!


    Also, my rant was about my life and just because I mentioned the thread doesn't mean it was about the ladies on here (which I do say in a in between post)
    Although I did mention the thread because it was so negative...
    I didn't feel it was right to post on here because what I was discussing in my personal journal was about my life, and when I brought up the thread, it was a simple point of reference.
    I wasn't going to explain all of my life in this thread.
    That's backwards. So I stayed out.
    If you want to read about my work and my life, (because the clip that was posted is extremely out of context-and in response,) please do.
    I would also like to say that if we are allowed to quote journals and post peoples personal lives in other areas of the forum without context, even tho I think it's uncouth, then ok.

    Thank you TryingToHeal
    You are right...
    Lots of women see and don't say.
    It's part of why I stayed where I felt my thoughts were more fluid.
    And I thought this thread could remain in its original format.
    I thought it would help whoever was out there just reading.
    Me all week complaining about my job and then ranting would seem out of place here... In this thread.
    And silly.

    And also,
    You are not alone.
    My whole job is to help women.
    Who are hurt. Who are hurting.
    Children who are damaged and men who are broken.
    I am help.
    I am going to get tired.
    I think we are all entitled to vent in our spaces.
    I have my own BS as a SO.
    Especially when "you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped"
    That is what I do.
    This is my off time. I guarantee you...
    It's not just you. I see people everyday who struggle. Physically.
    Due to
    Trauma. Addiction. Abuse.

    I think positive vibes go a long way, even in the smallest of doses.


    I hope everyone has a good day.
     
  14. Jen@8675309

    [email protected] NoFap Moderator
    Staff Member

    All users, please stay on topic. There were many references to a third party's personal journal in this thread that have been deleted. This is a reminder for all users to please keep personal disagreements between yourselves and not allow those differences in opinion to derail forum threads.
     
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  15. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I'm pretty sure you would have been welcome to share any physical symptoms as this was the point of the thread.

    Yes the thread has negativity, there is nothing positive about a headache or vomiting or any other trauma symptoms that have manifested in physical ways. I still found it extremely helpful to read that other women have experienced the same symptoms and I am not going crazy. This was my biggest fear in the last few months. That what I was feeling, physically or emotionally, was not normal. I want to thank all the SOs who have shared their pain. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not crazy, that I am just a normal women in abnormal circumstances.
    @LizzyBlanca I already started a thread in partner support but another one could be started in the SOS forum for those who don't feel safe to post elsewhere. I can write in both :)
     
  16. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    I can't keep anything down. Just the thought of food makes me vomit.
    I never sleep.
    I'm dizzy all the time to the point my face tingles.
     
  17. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry, @Katrina Rose . Did you just recently find out?
     
  18. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    No. This has been going on for almost 8 months. He was open about it from the beginning but I didn't realize the severity until after I moved in back in November.
     
  19. SpouseofPA

    SpouseofPA Fapstronaut

    ok so i have had BAD lets call it stomach upset (I "go to the bathroom alot"). and i am developing terrible ulcers in my stomach, as well as high BP
     
    Katrina Rose likes this.
  20. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    Me too
    I'm terrified to eat because I know I'll be on the toilet either way.
    I guess the plus side is I've lost 6 pounds in 3 days. :/
    My SO gets angry that I can't eat. But it is the stress of PA that made me this way.
     

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