Phew. Ok. Here goes.

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Ifeeltoo, Dec 10, 2018.

  1. Ifeeltoo

    Ifeeltoo New Fapstronaut

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    Hello!

    I have posted a few times on NF with my feelings, but this time I think I'm going to lay it all out. For my sanity, if nothing else. I love my OH dearly, and we have kindly sensitive cuddles and talks and time together in a deeper way than we have in the past, I think.

    But. The last time I brought up the "Elephant in The Room" was NYE last year. I pleaded that it was so unfair and sad that I was being left out in the cold with no sexual contact and could only imagine he was being satisfied somehow. He apologised and agreed he needed to make more effort to engage. We slept together.
    And then once more the next day.

    And that was that. He started a new job in the New Year so I didnt want to pressure, and my life became fraught with various family and employment issues. We went on holiday together, spent almost 10 days away in the beautiful sunshine with a special tipi tent we treated ourselves to. Nothing. Cuddles but, nothing. No tender kisses, just me, a body, lying in the warm with no warmth. Enjoyed the time away, yet the gnawing physical loneliness did not leave me.

    It feels as though he almost has a contempt for my physicality. Has joked he cringes if I am near to undressed. Hurts so very,very much and makes me feel sick.

    Enter, a difficulty. A job I was about to leave, asked me to stay as Christmas rush was impending and they had lost a lot of staff.

    A new member of staff from the same town as my OH joined the team. Felt nice to have a kind of connection w my OH in a roundabout way at work as his accent is familiar, and he seems a decent guy.
    But. It seems he is flirting with me. I feel so guilty. I feel guilty because it is filling me with feelings of warmth and he is entering my mind.

    I'm frightened. I was SO relieved when it turned out he is away for our work do. Yet I also feel torn. Here I am, not necessarily as ugly or unsexy as my OH might have me believe. I almost resent the poor guy for being the way I wish my OH of 14 years is not.

    So sad, so confused. Urgh.

    Have been trying to decide whether to bring it up with OH, but don't want him to feel threatened. YET around 10 years ago he went for lunch on a number of occasions with a girl who was coming in to his work to "get" him.

    He joked about this when she first began paying him compliments and it took me blowing up at him to find out the truth that she had been visiting him for weeks. A long hurtful story.

    So, the frustrated and angry bit of me feels as though this is just desserts, but the loving kind bit of me (more mature I hope) is just sad that the same is now happening to me.

    Urgh.

    Thoughts and perspectives very welcome.
     
  2. Pleasssee talk to him. It’s not fair to you, and he probably thinks that you are ok with no sexual contact if you haven’t said anything for almost a year. Tell him your needs. I even told my SO that his PO had me thinking about a life with someone else.. it’s the truth! Sometimes they need to hear it... and hear the hard truth to be able to understand you. I told me SO that I was leaving if he didn’t drastically change. I told him I deserved more and someone who would be actively reading books and be part of a community and see a therapist. I was so scared to say these things because I thought he’d just throw me to the curb, but the radical change I have seen in him lately, had me thinking we may have a chance. He knows that one more lie, and I’ll leave.

    Sex is important in a relationship. I know for me, it’s a huge part of how I receive and feel love and affection. He can’t change unless you talk to him about it. even if it’s a frequent conversation.. that’s how change begins in my opinion

    Good luck. This journey is so hard. Its a constant struggle and I have to reread my own post sometimes to remember why I am doing it, but I could have never even been close to staying without the communication my SO and I have.

    Remember this is not about you and your looks or sexual capabilities. It’s him. It’s normal to feel desired. Your feelings matter
     
    Tannhauser and Ifeeltoo like this.

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