Personal Relapse Reports

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Deleted Account, Jan 6, 2019.

  1. Reboot started 2019-01-01, lasted for 5 days before first relapse. Reboot will reset 2019-01-07.

    what the fuck just happened? the usual follow up question after a relapse & yet it has probably happened a 1000 times before. I start to have cravings, feeling hornier and hornier, until I’m so terribly restless from resisting my hand just goes down there by itself. realizing what is happening, I stop immediately. trying to read instead but can’t focus on a single word. ”fuck this” I think. the hand goes down there again, but apparently the usual movements it’s not enough. I need visual stimuli, and so the ipad goes up and the usual ”searching for the right video to finish to”-ritual begins. after over an hour I’m done and exhausted. all of this is the usual relapse. and it fucking happened again...
     
  2. Jonny123

    Jonny123 Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear that - BUT you are in the right place and you have intention - you "just" need a battle plan and stick to it sister! Wishing you every success in 2019!
     
    Deleted Account and Soccer14 like this.
  3. bobross

    bobross Fapstronaut

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    Change does not happen overnight, especially not this change. Don't give up! I personally find physical effort to help a lot, it doesn't need to be exhausting, 10min of warm up exercises are enough. Don't beat yourself for what happened, learn from your mistake and move on. You can do this! :)
     
  4. Soccer14

    Soccer14 Fapstronaut

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    Hey Choose Life,

    I agree with the other posters here; be kind to yourself. We all know what you're going through and have gone through it. This is just a really tough process. I think one of the most important things you can do for yourself is be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. If you're too hard on yourself, then the process becomes aversive and you won't want to try again. Praise yourself for the attempt and find the little successes and improvements that you did make. They are there.

    Another way to look at it is that you currently have one problem: a porn addiction. Don't give yourself two problems: a porn addiction and anxiety about the porn addiction. This addiction takes a long time to overcome. In time you will, but you have to be kind to yourself in the process.
     
  5. Chastity

    Chastity New Fapstronaut

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    Dear Fapstronaut,
    I too made a resolution to quit masturbation for new year, but ended on just day first of it.
    Sooner i realized that real problem was linked with my thought process which i rectified by being more observant of my thoughts.
    Focusing on what really matters for the present moment is only the way through it.
    Our intellect is superior than everything, but may not be correct for the present situation.
     
  6. thank you all for replying. it warms my heart to know I’m not alone with this. being a girl I sometimes feel I struggle with a male-problem. it makes me feel somewhat alone, but the truth is women get addicted too.

    I find it vital to my reboot to report every relapse that happens to affect me, and the truth is things haven’t gone very well recently. I’ve relapsed twice since I last posted here, and the reason is insomnia. not being able to sleep is a one way ticket down in the hole, whatever addiction you happen to struggle with - because it eventually shuts down your rational abilities and makes your brain go autopilot. I’ve struggled with insomnia for some time, and will hopefully get an appointment with a psychiatrist for this. good luck to you all, and don’t beat yourselves up for failing. failure is the best teacher, you just have to map out what you do wrong.
     
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  7. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Well, that's frustrating as hell. I'll get to this in a moment.
    I assure you, while there are overwhelming numbers of men versus women addicted, it is not uncommon for women either. So please, don't feel like you are alone. It is a huge problem for women as well.
    Do you have any idea how huge this is? This is monumentally encouraging. And guess what? The more you address it head on, the less embarrassment, guilt, and shame that encapsulates you. This is so huge, you can't begin to imagine.
    You don't need an appointment with a psychiatrist for that. A simple call to your doctor, and a phoned in prescription for Trazodone will take care of the immediate insomnia problem. But I will also tell you, that as your brain begins to heal, so too will your sleeplessness. Think about it this way. Your Insomnia is directly correlated to your propensity to masturbate. You've conditioned yourself to respond to the dopamine such that you are using it to pacify yourself and as a result, a sleep aid. It's the same type of conditioning that a baby receives when their mother rocks them to sleep as an infant, and then whines and complains because they won't go to sleep on their own when they are 2-3 years old. Hell, "you conditioned the baby that way". Many addicts have used Trazodone to get past this. Here is the thing though. I assure you, if you get tired enough? You'll got to sleep. You won't have any choice in the matter. And if you do this process without masturbation for 7-14 days, you'll begin to see your insomnia subside.

    Indeed, failure is a great teacher. For if it isn't, then you haven't failed enough.

    Now, this is important. Take it one day at a time. Wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, say aloud to yourself "just for today, I am going to stay clean and free from pornography and masturbation. Just for today". And when you are successful today, get up tomorrow, look yourself in the mirror, and say aloud to yourself "just for today...". And the next day, and so forth, and so on. And if you fail on day 5? That's your bar. Set your bar for 5 days. Why? Because you know you can make it 5 days. You've done it before. And you start the process all over again "Just for today..." Each time you do this, you will see changes in magnitude, frequency, and duration of your masturbation behavior. And you'll look at it and realize "I don't have the types and strength of urges I used to have" and it becomes easier and easier to go longer, with less impact and less control over you.

    I don't know when you started masturbation, but if you think about it, you didn't just say "I think I'll start masturbating today" and become addicted. It didn't happen overnight. You're not going to back out of it overnight. To put it into perspective, one who is overweight wants to diet and lose all the weight like yesterday. They didn't put that weight on overnight. They're sure as hell not going to lose it overnight. It's the same principle with this addiction. Incidentally, overweight is an eating disorder addiction if that makes that analogy clearer for you.

    Start and keep a journal. It allows you to see where you have been, where you are, and where you are headed. It's a good method for tracking your own personal progress.

    Insomnia is a symptom. Not a problem. You need to do some soul searching and see if you can dig into why you were ever masturbating to begin with. It didn't begin because you couldn't sleep.

    Do like you did here. Reach out for love, and support, and help. There is an abundance of people ready, willing, and able to help you. If you want/need help, all you need to do is ask, and it will be given you.

    Find yourself an Accountability Partner. This is a person you can count on and also share your deepest darkest secrets you wouldn't necessarily tell your very closets friend. Besides, and AP isn't about to judge you in ways friends and relatives will. Get an AP.

    That's it for now. I wish you all the best.
     
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  8. Thank you @GhostWriter. I can’t find any words to express my gratitude for all your advice and support.

    This morning I looked in the mirror and told myself exactly that: ”Just for today, I am going to stay clean and free from pornography and masturbation. Just for today.” And you know what? It made me feel huge. Like nothing could stop me to climb this mountain, least of all a pitiful relapse. I have decided to devote this year to recovery from my addiction. Just beginning to dream of who I can be and what I can do if I get through this.
     
    remainfocused likes this.
  9. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    I just got on NoFap, right now because for whatever reason my urges are high today. They have been for the last 3 hours.

    I am being flooded with images from a lesbian sex scene that gets me going. However, I ALSO realize that my stress level is high as I am involved in several things that are going.

    I literally have said OUT LOUD: "I am okay. I am stressed out. I want to masturbate BECAUSE it will calm me down. That is a lie. Thus will pass. I just need to make it 1 more hour. What strategies do I have for this".

    My number 1 strategy is to come to this site.....and what do you know.... I find your post. Here I am encouraging you.....and by going so much urges are staying maintainable.

    My question to you is this: When you have your urges, what were you thinking about prior. Are you bored, lonely, stressed, etc. Horniness has almost become a cover for other things we are feeling. Take the time to find this out.

    Hope this helps.
     
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  10. just relapsed. again. for the first time in 6 days. couldn’t resist the urge. it was like it made me nauseous. really trying not to feel bad about myself, but I am afraid. I am so fucking afraid. this one flooded my limbic system with dopamine. I could feel it exploding through my head like some kind of an overdose. & since I’ve been struggling with shame and social anxiety, how won’t this make me feel? fuck I don’t want to get depressed...
     
  11. Thank you for replying. I really hope you managed to go through your attack of urges without relapsing.

    You’re right. There is no romantic attachment to horniness anymore, it’s more like some kind of twisted expression for unmanageable anxiety. To answer your question, I think my urges always come with anxiety, when I feel all alone and stressed about my life being mess. I don’t know yet how to cope with this. Maybe posting here is the answer, but it’s difficult to know what to write when anxiety hits me.
     
  12. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    It is an incredible rush is it not? Yeah, you have to learn to curb that, and the only way to do so is to detox your body's dependency on it.

    So you fell off the horse. Dust yourself off, climb back up on the saddle, and go again. You made it how many days? Six? There's your bar. You know you can make it six days. So set your bar to six. Then start all over at Day 0, and take it one day at a time. When you reach six days? Double it to twelve. Why twelve? Because you know you can make it six days. If you can make it six, why can't you reset the clock and make it another six (hence doubling it to twelve)? If you make it to 11 and relapse? There's your new bar. See how this works? Eventually, you will build on this until the days become weeks, the weeks become months, and then the months become years. That's what you're looking for Pal. Dust yourself off and get back up on that horse.
     
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  13. Yes, I see. I might loose a couple of matches, but as long as there’s improvement I can win the game. Thank you.
     
  14. Beautiful_Life

    Beautiful_Life Fapstronaut

    Hi!!
    Good luck in our journey, it's something difficult but for sure not impossible.
    It's when you realize how beautiful life is when you look for happiness in things that make you feel full.
    In my case it helps me when I appreciate them, the sun, a smile, a song, saying thank you, a laugh, forgiving someone...If we achieve that our looking and view of things change so that we can see people in a beautiful and deep way, (as what they really are, as persons and admire them as they are) admire their inside beauty, but also the outside one with pure eyes, we will win. We will be also able to admire us totally and transmit it to the people around us.
    I think our goal is to find love in the pure way.
    Good luck again!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. lasted 10 days this time. been occupied with other things recently. a friend came to visit during the weekend & for a while I almost forgot my addiction. it felt good. it made me calm. then she left & I relapsed. it’s a hard thing living a double life, doubting the people you love will ever understand. maybe when it’s all over I’ll be able to tell them.


    reset is on. next goal: 20 days at a minimum.
     
    Sun_shine likes this.
  16. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Just set it for 10. You know you can make 10, so set it for 10. Then take it one day at a time. When you reach 10, set it for 10 again, this a total of 20. Don't sweat it. Everybody has failures. We learn from them, pick up the pieces, and keep going. You're doing fine.
     
  17. Plucki

    Plucki Fapstronaut

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    Encouraging reading this. And hey, I haven't made it past day zero apparently (occasionally getting to one or two), so you're actually an inspiration! Perspective is always helpful. :) I'm hoping to actually get to 90 days myself. I believe in you. We all believe in each other. We can do this.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. Thanks. Got you. 10 days it is. 10 days +
     
  19. it happened again. been feeling stressed out recently. not much to report really. I’m ok. resetting counter. starting over.
     
  20. 11square

    11square Fapstronaut

    Fall down seven times, Get up eight.
     
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