Partner of porn addict

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by SadSpongebob, Jan 2, 2019.

  1. SadSpongebob

    SadSpongebob New Fapstronaut

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    I tried to explain to my boyfriend how much porn hurts me, how I see it as a form of cheating. I’ve tried to be as nice as possible about it, but he says that there’s nothing wrong with it and ‘like all men do it’. Other times he says it means ‘nothing’ to him. If it means nothing to him, why does he have to watch it?
    I understand why guys watch porn, but he doesn’t seem to care that it impacts me and - obviously him too. He can’t ejaculate during sex. He has never ejaculated whilst having sex with me... I feel so worthless and I can’t talk to him about it without him getting mad.
     
  2. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    It is cheating.
    A) There is a lot wrong with it
    B) 'like all men DO NOT do it'
    In other words, "you mean nothing to him". After all, if your hurt is a direct correlation to it, then he may was well have said "my porn means more to me than you do".'
    BINGO! Exactly!
    Yep, it would appear that way.
    Yeah, so he doesn't see it as a problem? Perhaps he needs to take a look at the Forum "Pornography Induced Sexual Dysfunctions" and see how many people see physical symptoms associated with their pornography use. This is one of many reasons pornography is a problem.
    So what if he gets mad. You're mad. And you should be. Something I want you to remember though. You are not worthless. You are beautiful in body, mind, and spirit. This isn't about you. It is all on him. He has the problem. Just remember that this addiction of his has nothing to do with you.
     
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  3. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

    I can understand that you feel let down and betrayed.

    It is obvious that your partner is addicted to PMO, and that it has taken a priority over you.

    Here's the thing about addiction, and it makes no difference whether the addiction is PMO, alcohol, or any other type of addiction: An addict will remain an addict, and oblivious to the effects that it has on others, until they admit their problem and do something about it.

    My brother was an alcohol addict, and used to say, "I don't know why other people are worried about it. It's my problem and it doesn't affect them." He'd say this even as he was begging me for a place to stay and to help him out of his problems, losing his own daughter, destroying relationships, owing people money…

    Until your partner admits his problem and does something serious about solving it, the problem will only continue to worsen. It will not stay the same, and it will not improve.

    You have a couple of choices.

    You can stay with him and hope that he turns around. Given your age and the fact that he denies any problem despite the clear evidence, I don't hold much hope for this in the near future.

    Or, you can leave and find someone without this addiction.

    Also, I second the statement that @GhostWriter said: "You are not worthless. You are beautiful in body, mind, and spirit." You deserve better.

    Good luck, and I'm sorry that you have had to face this dilemma.
     
  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Thanks! I didn't realize you were so young. That being the case, I'd be inclined to set my bar and expectations really high and my level of tolerance really low. I wouldn't give him much in the way of lattitude to screw this up. Trust me dear, YOU DO NOT want to get so involved with someone who is toying with this disease, let alone active in it. Just pick any SO in here, and ask them. I assure you they will respond with one word; "RUN"!
     
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  5. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry you need to be here, but there is a lot of good advice and support here if you want it. As long as he denies a problem things will not change for the better. He needs to see it, admit to it and want to change it. Try to talk calmly to him about it. Is he willing to at least look into PA and the problems it causes? Yourbrianonporn.com is a good place to start. If he is not open to at least talking about it or is very defensive about it your options with him are limited sadly. Trust me, this is a long, hard and painful road to travel down. Most so if you are trying to do it by yourself. I've been with my BF for 16 years, every few years we'd have a blowout about this and he claimed he would stop blah blah blah. Of course I didn't know it was PA or that PA was even a thing until a couple years ago. It has been a bit over a year now of him getting serious and getting clean. While I am grateful for that and we are working towards healing him, me and us there are times I think I should have left the first time around. Then I wouldn't have sunken down as deeply as I have. I'm so torn still on if I'd be better of if I'd left back then or thankful I stuck it out. That said I know that if I had to do it all again I wouldn't. I won't go through it again.
    Think long and hard about your current situation. What are you willing to live with? If he continues to PMO are you ok with that? Things will only get worse, many(most?) guys end up with PIED and escalate as time goes on. Remember to take care of yourself. Don't stress yourself trying to control his behaviors, it doesn't work. He needs to want it. Make a list of boundaries and consequences to protect yourself and make sure to follow through on them.
     
  6. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    THIS! Absolutely THIS!
     

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