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Partner Has Seen Me...So VULNERABLE!

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Deleted Account, Oct 6, 2018.

  1. Hi! This is my first post!

    I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 1 year (He is 28). He suffers from PMO addiction. Halfway into our relationship, he found a counselor he likes and that has been helping him immensely. He is still struggling. I have a very high sex drive and would like to have sex every time we see each other, but our sex life is very sporadic. I never know if he's abstaining or not, and I don't feel like it's healthy to pry or monitor him.

    Through his struggling with his own addiction, I have felt open enough to talk about my deepest insecurities. Often times, it feels like too much. Even though I am aware his addiction does not have to do with me, I am a codependent person and I have a hard time not taking things personally. I find myself activated and triggered by small things (like him telling me to do something in a different way when we're cooking).

    I beat myself up and I find myself crying around him A LOT, especially when I open up about worrying I'm not enough for him or he doesn't accept me the way I am. He tells me he loves me and accepts me. He is receptive and understanding and respectful. He hears me out and owns up to where he is at fault too. Then I start to feel like I'm crazy and hypersensitive and I can't seem to get over this hump of not taking things personally.

    My question is, what is the boundary in a relationship (with someone struggling with an addiction) that you decide it's not working between the two of you? Should my partner have to deal with me being upset this much? How can I work on not taking it personally? When he doesn't want to have sex with me that is. I'm worried that I am hindering his progress.

    Sometimes I get home after we've talked and I feel so drained. My closest friends tell me we should break up because they don't like seeing me so sad, but I love him so much. I feel really confused.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 6, 2018
  2. Wow. I can't thank you enough. Reading all of this advice feels like such a relief. I knew NoFap forums would be helpful, but I couldn't predict nearly HOW helpful. Amazing. Thank you again for taking the time to write this.

    I have read Codependent No More, but I realize I should keep going back to it for reminders and support as I work through my codependency.

    I could really use some help on Boundaries & Consequences, is there some reading material that might help me learn my own?

    THANK YOU AGAIN!
     
  3. I'm worried my partner might not respond well to this and get mad I'm giving him an ultimatum. I know this is what I need but I feel like I'm asking a lot.

    I don't even know if he's willing to attempt hard mode. How do I approach talking about this?
     
  4. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    If I may add about boundaries. having a few non negotiable boundaries and negotiable.

    Example that I have with my hubby for non negotiable boundary, this is a promise I made to myself, not an ultimatum or a threat.

    #1 if he is sexual with another person I will leave the relationship.

    #2 full transparency in regards to porn with 100% honesty, and I will stay and support him.

    Negotiable example,

    His phone restriction was installed, after a certain point we wanted it disabled (he couldn’t access recovery stuff on his own) so we renegotiated that he has 3 acts of recovery each week. Either a video or article on recovery, something for our relationship and we spend time on together. His SA meeting (once a week) and his journal post one a week. If he can’t make an SA meeting (for example) then he does an extra one of the other two. But it’s still 3 recovery actions a week or he will put the phone restrictions back.
     
  5. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Sure and completely agree. I just wanted to add the point another way to look at that is the negotiables are something you can and safely look at to change down the road. Kenzie phrases it well but it’s before my first cup coffee so my levels of articulation is not very good yet.

    The non negotiable are a set of realistic boundaries you have that would/could compromise yourself if crossed and is something that will not change. This is a very clear boundary for the rest of our lives. They are something you can have full trust in with yourself.

    The example of non negotiable for me that will never change for me, infidelity and affair recovery is something I will not go through again. I feel very heard line on that. I guess you could say it’s “deal breaker” boundary and has been since his infidelity. I hold myself to this promise I made to me. There is no compromise on the consequences of it for life with anyone.

    The other boundaries (out side of non negotiable) we can adjust as time goes on and things change hopefully for the better as recovery happens (negotiable).
    What I’m trying to get at is it’s ok to have a set of very clear non negotiable “deal breaker” boundaries on both sides in a relationship. My original post was meant to put the emphasis on that concept and not to take away from the help you are giving.

    My example of the phone restriction being taken off was all me. Something that for months I had thought about. I’m the one that felt safe and trusting enough to have it off, I felt it was more important for Us both with him having access to recovery stuff more readily. The reality is I felt he has earned the renewed trust that is building so it was renegotiated.

    I never disagreed, I full heartedly agree just wanted to put the concept of the non negotiable versus negotiable out there. I hope I’m making sense here.

    Just found this and it describes the concept nicely, far better than I was!
    https://vickitidwellpalmer.com/non-negotiable-boundaries/
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2018
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. Thank you so much for the help Jennica and GhostWriter!!

    I recently watched this TedTalk and I thought it was really helpful. Wondering how I can frame my boundaries in a positive way...??



    "If you are brave enough to be transparent about your porn use..."
     
    Jennica likes this.

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