Panic & PMO

I'm a 30-something-year-old who wants to quit PMO. The past five years, the main problem has been MO--usually, I only slip up and watch P a few times every several months or so, then I get disgusted enough with myself (and the P) to stop.

It's been tough to quit the MO entirely, but usually there's a period of lethargy/disgust after MO-ing that makes it easier for me to leave it behind for a few days. When you add the P, though, it's easier to "overcome" the lethargy and depression that goes along with MO, in order to binge-watch/act out more frequently. Then, of course, there's an even more intense disgust, afterwards...but one that drives me back to the addiction for a few days or weeks.

I've struggled with a PMO binge for the past month. It's worse than previous lapses. Less time in between "sessions." You know how it gets you: first there's excitement and allure. Then, before you know it you're just numb, and you do it anyway, and you ask yourself why you're even doing it, and you hate it, and you hate yourself for doing it, and you do it again just to experience something other than numbness and depression.

I have a bad anxiety disorder (lots of panic attacks) and spend a lot of time lying down to rest. I'm not afraid to do things, I'm just so physically worn out from the panic attacks many times that I lie down to try to relax or rest. As you can guess, being in bed doesn't help with the PMO...especially when you're stressed out.

Anyway, I have to stop this. I want to stop this. I am going to stop this. I don't want PMO, and the P binge right now makes me feel even more disgusted than usual. I am not just this guy who struggles with s*x. I am not just this perv who struggles with P. I have positive, worthwhile traits that I am developing in myself. I am going to stand back up, brush myself off, and become a man who can look people in the eye, again--a man who has friends, again--who has real relationships with real people.