Outplan's log

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by outplan, Apr 30, 2018.

  1. outplan

    outplan Fapstronaut

    Ok. In an effort to keep my reboot on track, I plan to post daily (as possible).

    Day 1 is always easy for me, day 2 is usually where it starts to get difficult and day 3 often feels impossible/expected/routine...

    My day 1 was exhausting completely unrelated to rebooting. Worked late and then very sick wife meant a day of looking after kids and doing absolutely everything other than work. Brain was so tired it was barely thinking let alone fantasising. So easy done.

    Day 2 so far has been the frustration of trying to catch up on a missed day of work and for some reason just everything going wrong. Already my brain is like "hey, today sucks, I know how to make you feel better". That's why I'm writing this, as a distraction and a way to verbalise my thoughts and broken thinking that might help beat it. I've analysed myself enough to know how it all works, what the triggers are etc but it'd be nice just to log them to facilitate clearer thinking. I think honesty helps, as does sharing...

    So day 2, challenging so far but I know I can overcome it. Might have to find a way to get some fresh air or outlet the frustration positively. A punching bag might help.
  2. Hi Outplan, cheers for the like! It’s good to know we’re all in this together.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. outplan

    outplan Fapstronaut

    Hi @Will 8 , no problem, happy to share some positivity!

    So day 2 went in a bit of a blur. I have a very unusual positive feeling, like how I feel after a first beer, and I think it's all from contributing here. I have to work on a computer all day and unfortunately largely isolated. This means I have instant access and no accountability. So anytime I felt triggered or weak I just came to nofap instead and read people's posts and feelings (and contributed where I could) and I drew a lot of strength from everyone. Honestly, it feels a bit psycho-babble writing it down but it is honestly how I feel (and this is a journal so here's where it goes).

    It's day 3, I'm checking in now and catching up on things overnight and it feels like a new me, with new strength to go once again into the fray.
    Jordan Peterson's book is helping me immensely. It was nice to see someone write that life is a constant struggle. He doesn't write it in a negative way but just stating it as plain fact. So much of what TV and media tells us is polar, it's either joy or horror, they don't tell you of the grind.

    So while other people might present themselves on social media and in life as being incredible successes none of that is ultimately true. Thus find what makes you happy & complete and work on those (and I am).

    I'm excited about what I might be able to do with the free time I'm generating from not wasting away my life anymore. Last night I went to bed at 8:30, watched a little Netflix and then slept for 9 hours... Unheard of for me. Always finding an excuse to stay up late (when the family is asleep).... PMO is so destructive in the simple pleasure of robbing sleep and that is just a waterfall for even worse things to come.

    Next step is to get fitness back in my life I think. I love working out, lifting heavy things so working on a plan for that one.
  4. I totally get what your going through man, conflict is everywhere, it's a part of life. I think I used PMO to help deal with it instead of open up and communicate, now I know I'm better than that and I know how important it is to stand up for yourself! I just hope I have the strength to carry this through the 90 days. I hope you do too.

    I also plan on working out, I have a great workout plan with 6 exercises that covers the whole body, and I have a calorie counting app on my phone to loose the pounds.

    You can do this! Think of your family every step of the way, and if you stumble, get back up and keep going!
    Ready to start and outplan like this.
  5. outplan

    outplan Fapstronaut

    Yep, that's me too. Coping mechanism that I didn't realise was a coping mechanism. So obvious in hindsight!

    Shout out if you're ever feeling weak. This isn't my first rodeo but it's my first time sharing it! I reckon I'm on to a winner sharing here, so keen to share and support as much as I can.
    Sad_but_true and Deleted Account like this.
  6. Thanks man, I will and you do the same. Cheers.
    Sad_but_true, PMO addict and outplan like this.
  7. PMO addict

    PMO addict Fapstronaut

    Hi @outplan ! Thanks for your journal posts so far. I can relate a lot. Coming here and posting has definitely made the big difference for me so far. Also I appreciate the days alot more. Before I was always kinda wondering when 90 days would be over :lol:

    I miss weight lifting sometimes. I got some injuries so now I just go for walks and do stretching. But I could see how that would be good for NoFap. Plus I always was doing PMO while I worked out. (not at the same time but you know what I mean) And I wonder what kind of gains I would have got if I hadn't been fapping!
    Sad_but_true likes this.
  8. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut Moderator Assistant

    Hi @outplan ! Thanks for the link to your journal! It sounds like your off to a great start on your reboot. Congrats on day 3! I just finished my day 3, too.
    Sad_but_true likes this.
  9. outplan

    outplan Fapstronaut

    Yeah, the days seem fuller, it's really a little wierd!

    That must be some injuries! There's usually something you can do?? I've got to get me a pull-up bar, I learned to love pull-ups slowly...

    Sweet! I think timezones are messing my count, so I might need to shuffle it a few hours to track the count in my head. Keep it up!
    Sad_but_true, P-Free and PMO addict like this.
  10. outplan

    outplan Fapstronaut

    So day 3 came and went. Surprisingly easy. I've maintained that same "first beer" buzz all day. Went to bed relatively early for me again and got some good sleep with some comparatively good dreams I can't remember. I'm a firm believer that dreams are important. Not particularly because of anything spiritual but because it's your brains chance to unravel the day and cement things. To me it's your subconcious unraveling and sorting stuff so pay attention!

    Completely and utterly out of the blue my wife walked into my office this morning and said she wanted sex! Now this is pretty unheard of when you have young kids. My friend sent me a joke about condoms a while back which for you young players is scarily true:
    18yo condoms: 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 10pm
    20s condoms: Mon, Wed, Fri, Fri, Sat
    30s condoms: January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, Septembers, October, November, December
    40s condoms: Birthday, anniversary
    Etc etc
    Now it's all my fault that I hadn't broached the PMO challenge with her yet. It was something I wanted to discuss at a suitable time which is also hard to find with kids. Anyway, it was now or never. She was a little upset but supportive. I told her I can help her out no problem but that wasn't what she wanted. Women want intimacy and so this was kind of a personal decision that she wanted to be part of first. So here's the rub, I didn't think I'd make it to day 4. I actually thought "well it's never going to happen so this won't be a problem". I guess when you're so used to failing at giving up you don't, subconciously, think you can be successful.

    Which leads me to my next thought. I've read a lot of other peoples posts, they're inspirational and enlightening but so many of them seem so clear to me what the problem is. The guys have never learnt to love themselves. I worked that out a while ago and I don't write this to boost my own ego, my ego is pretty rock solid, I write it because it has to be step one. It also aligns with why this might be proving so easy for me right now. I've got a lot of things lined up. Beautiful supportive wife (and when I say beautiful I don't mean porn, or magazine cover or Instagram model, I mean my world lights up when she smiles at me, (another trick for young players)), happy engaging children, my house, greater family and so many other things. I've learnt to say thanks for these things everyday (which is something religion teaches us and I'm not religious). Saying thanks and trying to be humble is another great step for guys trying to rebuild their ego and learn some self love. So i might be a big call on day 4 calling it easy but it might be because of the foundations already laid.

    All of that is a long way of saying that sharing and interacting at Nofap may have been the missing piece for me. No man is an island.

    I wish anyone reading this strength and hope that you're working on your foundations first. Love yourself, be humble (not rap god humble or sportstar humble, honest to goodness appreciative humble) and make everyday a day of positive choices.
  11. aknn83

    aknn83 Fapstronaut

    This is super important.
    Sad_but_true, P-Free and outplan like this.
  12. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut Moderator Assistant

    They sure do seem fuller! It's a little weird, but I'm loving it. :)

    Thanks for the encouragement, @outplan ! Time zones are strange things... lol You're doing great, though!
    Sad_but_true likes this.
  13. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut Moderator Assistant

    @outplan Congratulations on your great work! I love so much about this entry. :) First, I'm glad that your wife is so understanding and supportive of your journey. Second, loving oneself is an absolute must, I agree! Finally, the "first beer" buzz... Thank you for a way to describe the feeling! I totally get it!

    I am borderline obnoxiously cheerful today. lol I even spilled my coffee all over the floor this morning... and LAUGHED about it! Definitely not my usual reaction to such things.

    You're absolutely right that the interaction and support we find here are important! I know it's vital to me.

    Have a great day!

    Fantareality and Sad_but_true like this.
  14. Sad_but_true

    Sad_but_true Fapstronaut

    Hey @outplan nice to meet you and thanks for your journal very insightful and you seem to have a lot of really great things in your life like a supportive wive and kids, good luck with your progress and talk soon.
    Fantareality likes this.
  15. outplan

    outplan Fapstronaut

    So day4, what a day. I'm trying to write these in the morning to clarify my motivations and reinforce my resolve so yesterdays was written early on.

    The entire day turned into a shitstorm. My wife, while supportive became more and more resentful during the day and it exploded in some pretty spectacular marital fireworks. The kids had got exhausting for her, kids are hard when you're emotionally drained, so I came in during work to help but whilst my actions were wanted my presence wasn't. Then at dinner time same thing but worse. Real intentional button pushing abusive stuff. It's funny, I'm listening to Spotify and Black Sabbath's Ironman live has just come on and that's how I felt yesterday. The barbs and button pushes just bounced off. If anything they made me stronger, like Black Panther's suit. I just absorbed the negative energy and became the Hulk Buster. BOOM!

    I handle the kids, they must have felt that energy because I didn't need to raise my voice or threaten consequences, they just did what I said. I was a rock. Got the kids to bed and then it's battle with the wife time. I'm receptive, I want to understand her but I also need her to be rational. I'm done with that "that's ok you can feel however you want and its legitimate". I know a lot of my feelings are illegitimate and I'd trust my wife to call me out on them. So I owe it to her to call her out on them. And so it was. And it hurt us both. Digging, digging, digging. Tears, anger, frustration. I refused to walk out and I took no shit. Dig dig dig (as in digging for truth, not digging to hurt). The truth means a lot to me, I want to know, I need to know. I realise she's lost herself in her feelings so call time and leave the house to pick up supplies at the supermarket. I buy her her favourite icecream. Not as an apology, not as an I'm sorry, or I did something. Purely as an "I love you and I want you to feel loved and I want you to have something you enjoy". On my return, we reset, regrouped and restarted. More focused this time, sharper, more refined in the thinking and then boom! I thought it was going sour again and then boom; Enlightenment.

    To learn to love myself I've built up walls against criticism. I can brush off whatever any one says because I know who I am, what I stand for and the value I can bring to any situation. I'm a good person who does good to those around me. Meaningless words of others fall off me. But they don't with my wife because there are no barriers in the way. Her words can hurt me more than anyone. Enlightenment. I'm still as weak as I was when I was a desperate to please kid, teenager, young adult but to her only. Combine that with her fragility as a hardworking mum who's had it tougher than most with our pregnancies and births and she's only just rebuilding her identity so is more casual with her language and easier with criticism and anger. Recipe for marital distress. We discussed this new found enlightenment and talked about what we can work on to make those things better. I also need to point out that it was her that so accurately summised my problem. I couldn't see it. She recognised it and articulated it. That's what partnerships are about.

    The pain you go through in a relationship is very real. It's hard work but when you can dig through it and become better together, well there's nothing like it. As true a love as you can ever represent in the movies. And so today is pure bliss. We're on the same page again. Affection is tangible and real. I threw her on one of the kids beds this morning and we kissed like teenagers. She even giggled like one.

    So day 5. Have at me. I'm the mother fricken Hulk Buster and I feel invincible.
    Last edited: May 3, 2018
  16. freedom rings

    freedom rings Fapstronaut

    Nice motivation. Stay humble, I like the morning entries myself.
    outplan likes this.
  17. Awesome!
    outplan likes this.
  18. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut Moderator Assistant

    That sounds like a challenging day, @outplan but with EPIC great results! I am so glad you were able to work to an even deeper understanding of each other and such a great day.
  19. Sad_but_true

    Sad_but_true Fapstronaut

    @outplan well done that was an awesome share full of insight and raw emotion, way to to turn that frown upside down on the negative emotions and feeling and make a positive effective outcome. I will say that I used to bottle my emotions and tamp them down and think it was ok but eventually you forget how to feel or it comes out in some other negative way you might not recognize. Sticking it out and facing the hostility also takes a tremendous amount of courage a bit of armour sometimes but you figured out a way to turn it around and you earned your cape for that superman! One other thing that might be useful as Ive been having hourly confrontations with my wife for days now is if you feel the confrontation is gonna yield a negative result, then you need to withdraw and explain that you'ld be happy to talk when cooler heads prevail but right now the discussion is too painful. Then go do something that allows you to calm down like take a walk or have a small cup of that ice cream!
    outplan, P-Free and Fantareality like this.
  20. outplan

    outplan Fapstronaut

    So today is day 7. Filled all of day 5 and 6 up so I only had time to reply to a few people here and not log anything down over those days.

    Day 5, Friday, can barely remember it now. That's when I wrote my last entry in the morning and the Hulk Buster metaphor was apt. Work went pretty well, I remember feeling quite drained and tired, similar to the first week when I went sugar free. I've not actually read too much into the phrases thrown around here and i'm not sure if I was genuinely tired or just going through some sort of dopamine withdrawals. I didn't look into any further as it wasn't bothering me. It was a good day and felt especially close to the wife with both being able to talk about nofap as a team effort. Great to have such an understanding partner.

    Day 6 I was in the garden working hard digging holes and concreting posts. Got a lot done and worked until the sun went down, just in time for dinner. I've often felt lethargic when working outside. I like lifting weights but doing long strictly physical hours of labour always has me coming up with a reason to stop and doing something else. Not today though, kept on powering through as if I had some extra reserves to draw on. It was a strange feeling and even my wife commented on it. After the kids were down I sat down with the wife to catch up and started to watch a movie. I also gave her a pedicure but didn't have all the tools at hand to paint her toes. I've always enjoyed painting my wife's nails. Obviously I'm attracted to feminity but it feels like a gift I can give her. It's also a little bit technical which is a challenge and you can be as creative as you like. It was nice to share without her thinking I wanted sex out of it (a common theme sex is a way many women like to thank their men). It was great to share the intimacy as genuine intimacy. Something not entirely new but kind of feels new. It felt great. Movie was boring so headed to bed.

    Day 7 was more time in the garden. Rough night with the kids and ending up sleeping in the eldests bed. Getting woken up at 12:30 then 6am is never fun. More hard labour in the garden and more frustrations. Physically very sore from the day before but ploughed on and mostly achieved my goals. Thought a lot about how the old me probably would've made some excuses by now. I was wondering what the old me would be thinking about doing and almost got triggered. I'm not afraid of triggering thoughts like others on Nofap are. I like to analyse them but obviously that requires an element of strength. Being outside labouring in the sun means no ability to act on them, especially as I'm so physically exhausted, so the brain can have a little run of the ideas. Sometimes I get tempted to expose my brain to triggering images to see what happens but I've resolved to wait 'til 30 days before I try any strict de-triggering work.

    So yeah, not feeling like a superhero today but have an underlying sense of self-satisfaction. Looking forward to dinner and sleep and seeing what tomorrow brings.

    I wish you much success in your journey.

    Oh, and I really just find the phrase "porn addict" or "sex addict" quite hopeless. Alcoholic is a good summising word and I felt like the orgasm seekers needed a better more encapsulating phrase and it suddenly came to me: dopaminion - someone who serves an evil master in the quest for ever more dopamine. I can confidently say I'm a dopaminion but would never call myself a porn or sex addict... your mileage may vary.
    Last edited: May 6, 2018

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