Orgasm with partner

Hi @bethechange365 and welcome to NoFap. I’m sorry to hear you recently relapse due to the chaser effect after having sex with your Wife or SO. Were you aware that any O can cause the chaser effect before you decided to have sex? My first time having sex with my wife after beginning reboot, I was certainly worried about the chaser effect and knew my habits of using PMO after having sex with me wife. I think this awareness and worry over it helped me resist and not have it. I made a conscious decision to be mindful of it, not indulge it, and prepare for it, but it didn’t happen. We’re you prepared for it, and still it happened?

To help clarify for you “hard mode” is actually no Orgasm or O, even with your partner. Regular mode is just cutting out P and M, but allowing real sex with a committed partner.

In my situation I abused PMO as a way to self soothe. Can’t sleep at night? PMO. Fight with the wife? PMO. Stress from work? PMO. Bored? PMO. I could go on and on.

The point of a recovery is to break these habits and routines. You don’t require PMO in your life as a coping mechanism. You now have to fill up your time with new things to do. Find new ways to feel comforted. Don’t replace your PMO use with sex with your wife, as you are then only using her as a PSub (porn substitute), and practicing unhealthy behavior.

If you are to have sex with your wife, have connected sex, this means being present (I.e. no fantasies), focus on her (exploring touches, tastes, feelings and rhythms) not your O, feel your love you have for her flowing through your body and into hers, maintain eye contact as much as possible.

If you start to have fantasies or p images during sex, stop it and tell your partner you just aren’t ready yet. Maybe wait some time for them to pass and try again.

If you are intending to use sex and orgasm to comfort yourself, don’t initiate it as you are trying to break the PMO habit and self soothing cycle. What helped the most during my early recovery was to find comfort in the arms of my SO. Naked cuddling, massages, skin on skin contact, yes I would be aroused, but I would focus on being present with my SO. This promotes the release of oxytocin, which is one of the essential ingredients to pair bonding. I found the stimulation I received from this to be more rewarding than orgasm as my brain was desensitized to dopamine, which is released during orgasm. Held or be held, it doesn’t matter, you will find there is much comfort and relief in it regardless of how you to do it.

Find new hobbies and passions to spend your time. The point is to create a new routine or new drives that are rewarding for instead of PMO. Get out and exercise (get away from your computer, a trigger for me). Try something new until you find something that works and becomes a new passion for you.

Above all communicate with your partner. Let her know what you are struggling with, she needs to know what you are going through. This helps to resolve fears she may have if you can’t perform (weather if that is fantasies, or if you are in flatline). It will also bring you two closer together and start healing the disconnect caused by PMO addiction.

Best of luck to you. I hope this helps with your confusion on your way to recovery.

 

Yes, hard mode is no orgasm. If you have to have sex, you may want to only have vaginal sex while you are looking directly into your spouse's eyes. I've heard this can help. If not, then I would avoid all sex and orgasm, i.e. hard mode, to give your brain some time to rewire. If your spouse won't understand, say you read that this can help the relationship (which it can).